The Plantain
latest

Raining Iguanas From Sky Evidence Of Plague, Says Religious Leaders

Rabbi Mordechai Shalomberg-Deckchair of Temple Beth Um told his congregation that reports of iguanas raining down from the sky is indeed a sign that the people of earth were experiencing a new plague from god.

"What many so-called "scientists", mostly goyum, say is just a consequence of the cold weather freezing the cold blooded reptiles' central nervous system into immobilization is actually, according to the Talmud, evidence that Hashem is very angry at us and wants us to repent.

"Aw, come on!" said synagogue attendee Benja Saferstein, who only went to this morning's services because he is visiting his parents from his home in San Francisco. "What could god be so angry about again? The guy has everything?"

Rabbi Shalomberg-Deckchair contemplated the young Juden's question for a moment, before responding, "Mostly the shellfish, Benja! As they say at Yeshiva, 'If you eat shellfish, you're being selfish!", said the Rabbi to his congregation who chuckled politely.

Rabbi Shalomberg-Deckchair said the apocalypse is expected to last a few more weeks, with high chances of dead oxen, boils, and several nights of intense darkness. He said that some of the more nasty plagues may be avoided through a healthy donation to the Temple's B'Nai Brit Youth Drive.

Author image
Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
Miami Website