After returning to his North Pole home following another all-night shift of delivering presents to the world’s children, Santa Claus has decided that he is just too old for this shit.
“It’s just so much work,” said an exasperated St. Nick as he peeled off his sweat drenched robe. “There are so many more children now than when I started,” he said, noting that he now spends nearly half of his time in Asian and South American markets. “And they all want iPhones! Every single one! That’s really eating into my margins.”
Papa Noel also cites growing health concerns, including diabetes and gout as making it more difficult for him to physically traverse the globe. “All of those cookies finally caught up to me, I guess,” said Father Christmas as he took a seat next to his third wife Kim.
“The truth is, this has been getting harder for me for a while. I need to focus on me from now on and spend some more time with Kim and the grandkids before I put myself in an early grave.”
When asked how children around the world would receive presents on Christmas morning in his absence, Santa Claus said someone else would step up and take over, stating that he plans to talks to Jesus about filling in.
When asked for a comment, Jesus said he had not been contacted about the job yet, but was disinclined to do it because he doesn’t want to work on his birthday