The Plantain

Scientists Designate Marco Rubio An Invertebrate

In a controversial decision, University of Miami Professor of Taxonomy Devin Rohan announced yesterday that his team had reclassified Senator Marco Rubio as an invertebrate. The decision comes following what Professor Rohan says is irrefutable proof that the Senator lacks a spine.

 Speaking before his Taxonomy 101 class, Professor Rohan explained his finding: “As we have seen this week from Marco Rubio taking $100,000 from Betsy DeVos' family before voting to confirm her as the Secretary of Education,, the man lacks a backbone,” he told his class before eliciting questions from the students. “Professor, how will this reclassification impact the marginal tax rate?” asked freshman Ian Lorber who had intended to take the similarly-named Taxation 101 course and was still a bit confused. 

 “So what you’re saying is Senator Rubio is a snake?” asked another student, drawing a wave of laughter from everyone in the classroom except Ian, who was trying to figure out whether a fox could claim a  domestic dog as a dependent since they are in the same taxonomic family. 

 “No, no, no,” said Professor Rohan. “Snakes, contrary to what many people think, are vertebrates and have backbones. Marco Rubio would better be classified in the Mollusca phylum alongside snails and slugs since he both lacks a backbone and also has a tendency to get slime everywhere.”

 By Javier Romero-Feinstein