The Plantain
latest

Scientists Discover 11 Out Of 12 Universes Have Sensible Gun Control Laws

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND. — Is our Universe one of many?

Scientists at the European particle physics laboratory CERN may now definitively agree that there are many universes in addition to our own, and that they all have common sense gun control.

The idea of parallel universes, once consigned to science fiction, is now proven, thanks to an international coalition of scientists and their groundbreaking work with the LHC or the Large Hadron Collider.

The UK Astronomer Royal, Martin Rees, suggests that the discovery represents a "fourth Copernican revolution": the fourth time that we have been forced to downgrade our status in the heavens. After Copernicus suggested Earth was just one planet among others, we realized that our Sun is just one star in our galaxy, and that other stars might have planets. Then we discovered that our galaxy is just one among countless more in an expanding Universe and that guns kill people. And now perhaps our Universe is simply one of a crowd of universes that know better than to let people have seemingly completely unlimited access to guns, regardless of mental illness or utility, and no matter the clear and obvious danger of it.

The experiment which included colliding particles at nearly the speed of light and then recording the tiny rifts in space time with a state of the art quantum imaging computer revealed 12 different universes and potentially infinitely many more.

"It is hard to know what mysteries these universes possess." says physicist Bryce DeWitt. "Some may have completely as yet unknown laws of physics. Some may one day show words similar to our own. But one fact that is no mystery is that all of the many "new" universes contain the knowledge that some type of gun control is better than no type of gun control."

At any rate, it does seem odd that the multiverse is so difficult to grasp yet so resolutely united. "It's proven remarkably hard to write down a theory which explains why our universe is the only one that doesn't understand the importance of public safety" says physicist Max Tegmark.

These ideas that once lied on the border of physics and metaphysics are now part of the history of human discovery. But that doesn't make it any easier to describe.

When asked "What does the multiverse look like?" Lisa Randall of Harvard University describes it as "It was like looking into a kaleidoscope of different realities being reflected back at you. Infinite particles existing as mirror images and simultaneously in different and identical spaces"

When asked about the Thousand Oaks shooting and why the United States local, state and Federal government has still taken no action to help prevent future mass shootings, Proffessor Randall had this to say. "I cannot say that I have the answer. As a scientist, I have to make peace with the fact that for some questions there may be no answers. In science, we understand that we live in a cruel and unforgiving universe. But today we perhaps have proof that it should no longer continue to be that way.

Author image
Peter Mir is confoundingly the owner of Villain Theater