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Screw The Rock: Five Reasons The Undertaker Should be President

By Michael de Armas

Reason ONE: MY President is very respectful at soldier’s funerals.

MY President is an undertaker by trade and is always wearing black tastefully, so we know that he would handle the funerals of the soldiers that perish under his command with the utmost respect. It would be a point of PRIDE and RESPECT that this PRESIDENT would HAVE for the people that DIE for HIM. People would comment and RESPECT his RESPECT for the job of MY PRESIDENT.

Reason TWO: My President tastefully wears a black leather HAT!!!!

This is important because he can now go places normal people cannot. Places where you have to wear HATS!!!! to go there. These places are the SEATS of POWER in this WORLD people RESPECT HATS!!!! PEOPLE will tell each other MY president Undertake has A HAT equal to his RESPECT. PEOPLE RESPECT will comment that my PRESIDENT'S HAT is worthy of OUR nations PRAISE, just like Presidents FROM when PRESIDENTS RESPECTS and PRASIDS meant HATS!!! THEY MEANT it!! For somebody, like with EACH OTHER in a cordoned off area! PEOPLE talk! Imagine.

Reason THREE: MY PRESIDENT’S hair is always wet so we can be sure he is healthy and virile.

MY President always has wet hair, what else is water good at? Bringing LIFE into this WORLD, it’s something that a good President that has RESPECT for his job does. LIFE is in all of us, people will talk and word will get out that MY PRESIDENT Undertaker has RESPECT for HIS LIFE of MY PRESIDENT’S wet HAIR in this WORLD. People see that not ANYMORE! That’s something.
NOT TO MENTION MY PRESIDENT CAN DRINK HIS HAIR IF HE IS THIRSTY. PERHAPS DURING A LONG MEETING? DEHYDRATED? NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT!!! WHO ME? NOBODY TODAY.? GOOD LUCK. FUCKING ROCK!

Reason FOUR: HE’S ALREADY COME BACK FROM THE DEAD ONCE

Most presidents are losers who can be killed! MY PRESIDENT NO! MY PRESIDENT NO! MY PRESIDENT NO! MY PRESIDENT NO! We spend million SECRET SERVICE. NOT SECRET EVER. MY PRESIDENT CAN’T BE KILLED! Even if he is? HE JUST COMES BACK. SEE ABOUT THAT MEDIA!.

Reason FIVE: HE CAN HAVE EMMY WINNING ACTOR KELSEY GRAMMER ACT AS HIS STAND-IN

Michael de Armas is a staff writer for The Plantain.