The Plantain
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Six More Dead In War On Christmas

At least six were killed yesterday in the War on Christmas after a TJ Maxx Homegoods employee wished elderly members of a church group touring the store for seasonal throw pillows “Happy Holidays” as they exited. “It’s “Merry Christmas” said 87-year-old Westchester native Darleen Hitler-Smith in unison with 5 of her octogenarian friends before the group keeled over and had to be cleaned up by store clerk Jennifer Lorber who is like so over this job and literally can’t even anymore.

Ms. Hitler-Smith and her church friends are the latest casualties in this year’s War on Christmas and the first since it broke that hundreds died last week after finding out that a black man was cast as Santa Claus at the Mall of America. “But Santa is WHITE, everyone knows that!” cried Loreen Day of Minneapolis, Minnesota shortly before her head literally exploded, also causing quite the mess.

“It’s time to Make America Christmas Again!” said Christmas advocate and Grand Dragon Daniel Weinder while wearing a shirt with the same slogan. Speaking to the Plantain at a Starbucks Coffee that has been decorated in Christmas decorations and playing the soundtrack to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special on loop since before Halloween, Mr. Weinder said that phrases such as “Happy Holidays” and mall Santas that deviate from the way Coca-Cola executives envisioned him in the 1950’s could threaten the very viability of the holiday.

“I just don’t think people will want to celebrate Christmas if they don’t hear “Merry Christmas” from every minimum wage clerk they encounter or if they have to have their children sit on a black Santa’s lap,” said Mr. Weinder of the holiday literally everyone, including the Jews, loves because it gives them a week off of work and that Mariah Carrey song.  

The Plantain spoke to the real Santa Claus at her North Bay Village home and asked what she thought of all of the controversy. “Oh it’s so silly. Christmas is about spending time with family and buying gifts for coworkers you don’t like. It doesn’t matter if you say Happy Holidays or what people think I look like,” said the elderly Asian woman.