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South Beach Mosquito Slut Shamed For Contracting Zika, Gonorrhea

Juliana Obando, a four-day old mosquito from Hialeah, is at the center of a County-wide controversy after she was caught by the Florida Department of Agriculture last week and tested positive for Zika, and also Gonorrhea.  

Florida’s Agricultural Commissioner Adam H. Putham said that his team is working hard to contain the outbreak, which he described as challenging because Juliana was “acting like a real whore”:

“Our initial investigation reveals that Ms. Obando likely caught Zika, and Gonorrhea, from a visiting university student from São Paulo who failed to use DEET. As Ms. Obando bounced indiscriminately from the arms of many sweaty South American tourists, the viruses likely spread.”

The Plantain spoke with Ms. Obando and her father, Retired Navy Colonel David Abreu Obando, and was surprised to find the young culicidae cavalier about her promiscuous and free spirited behavior.

“Why would I be sorry?” asked Ms. Obando defiantly. “I’m a mature, intelligent, and proud Mosquitx and am free to suck fluids from whoever I want.”

“Juliana!” said Col. Obando with force as his daughter buzzed above their pool of standing water. “Where is this coming from? You were not raised this way!”

“Of course I was, Papa! I learned it from you, we all knew you were stepping out on Mom before she died. She knew it too." 

The color in Col. Obando's face drained as he remembered his wife, who died tragically the day before last at the hands of a rolled-up newspaper. Juliana continued: "And what about the way you always joke with Ramone about all of his girlfriends. Like you're always so proud of Ramone. How is me enjoying my own life any different?”

“It just is, Juli! You are my daughter.”

“Yeah, Juli. Stop being such a  slut,” said Juliana’s club-promoting brother Ramone.

“Shut up!” Juliana and her father shouted at Ramone at once.

“I shouldn’t have to live by different set of rules and standards just because I was born with less flagella on my antennas than Ramone.”

“Juliana, I’m not arguing with you, but as long as you are living under my…”

“Well maybe I’ll leave then,” she interrupted her father.

Col. Obando stared at his daughter, remembering her birth as if it were only last week, which it was. He sighed deeply, realizing that he would not be able to protect her forever. “Okay,” he finally said after a long pause. “Just promise me you'll be careful. I can't stand the idea of losing you too.”

“I will,” said Juliana, surprised at her father’s concession. They hugged.

“I can’t believe you’re really okay with her being a slut,” said Ramone, ruining the moment. 

Shut up” shouted Col. Obando and his daughter in unison.

By Samantha Alvarez