Recognizing its power to improve society and wishing to serve as an example to other companies on how to be a responsible corporate citizen, Starbucks Coffee announced today that it plans to donate all of its unsold CD’s to the City’s homeless. “Who’s Norah Jones?” queried a local homeless person when asked to react to the news. “How about a scone?” he added.
The idea was spearheaded by twenty-five year old Barista and art major Clarissa Summers who told the Plantain she was “like driving into work the other morning and almost hit some bum or something that was wheeling around a shopping cart full of bottles and junk and stuff and he got real mad because I almost hit him so I wanted to give him something to make it up to him so I remembered we just got a new batch of Harry Connick Jr. albums and were just going to like throw away the old ones so I put the old ones in a garbage bag and gave them to the guy and he was like “get away from me” but then took the bag anyway.
Clarissa’s generous act was witnessed by store manager Alexis Brontis who immediately fired her for misappropriating company property before calling the company’s corporate office to pitch the idea as her own. “What, that’s not fair!” said Clarissa before saying “Whatever, I’m over it anyway” and ordering a Chai latte from her former co-worker.
Recognizing the positive press and tax benefits they would enjoy from donating their unsold CD’s to the less fortunate, the corporation decided to implement a nationwide pilot program. “Normally we would just throw out our unsold compact disks with the pastries, sandwiches, and other food items we toss at the end of every single day. I can’t believe we were so wasteful,” said Vice President of Charitable Giving and Cup Design Damian Roosh. “I think everyone can use a little more Michael Bublé in their life, especially those who have fallen on hard times,” he added before clarifying that they would still not donate the old pastries for “liability reasons.”
The Plantain caught up with a homeless man whose name we now realize we never asked as he clutched about a dozen cellophane wrapped Sheryl Crow Christmas albums behind a Hialeah Starbucks. “I..I don’t own a CD player,” he said before asking the store’s disgruntled barista Marisabel Cruz-Perez how he was supposed to listen to the CDs. “Gross. No one listens to CD’s anymore,” said the 22-year-old as she walked back into the store to grab the man several hundred more copies of Sheryl Crow’s Home for Christmas album.