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Starbucks to Forcibly Remove Black Coffee From Its Menu

By Ángel Saxon

Starbucks plans to forcibly remove black coffee from its menus in all 13000 locations across the US, it has been reported. The news caused an uproar on social media, where commenters took to their keyboards to decry what they saw as blatant colorism.

“You’ll notice lattes and frappuccinos seem to be exempt from this new policy!” a Twitter user anonymously told The Plantain. “And why does it have to be forcible? If they have an issue with black coffee, couldn’t they just sit down like adults and clear it up over a nice cup of… well, you get what I mean.”

“Black coffee has just been sat quietly on the menu, not doing much"

The Plantain asked Starbucks’ CEO, Kevin Johnson (2017 winner of Time magazine’s "Whitest Name" and "Whitest Face" award) if there was any merit to these criticisms.

“Absolutely not!” he insisted, his eyes darting around the room, his fingers drumming an erratic beat on the table. “It’s all very reasonable and above board. Our customers are increasingly more interested in drinks like the white chocolate macchiato, the soy latte, the non-fat frappuccino… these are the ones that make us the real money,” he gestured, his hands shaking into a frenzy.

“Black coffee has just been sat quietly on the menu, not doing much. Sure, it hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong, but it isn’t bringing in a real profit, and we’re worried that its bold presence on the menu makes our decaf latte drinking clientele uncomfortable,” he jittered, attempting to adjust his glasses but instead scattering them onto the floor.

When pressed for further explanation, Mr. Johnson brushed our reporters aside:

“Look, I would love to answer more of your questions, but I simply must hurry down to Starbucks for a hit of that neat, sweet coffee.”

The Plantain tried to ask him about the accusations of colorism, but Mr. Johnson bolted through the door, shaking and muttering something about “mandatory caffeine sensitivity training”.

Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.