It's summer again, so South Florida locals can once again expect 6 goddamn months of apocalyptic temperatures, thickets of humidity, and uncontrollable rain showers that only occur during those brief moments of your day when they are forced to step outside.
"This weather is going to be really miserable," said the Plantain's chief meteorologist Reina McCloud as she swatted a zika infected mosquito away from her frizzed hair. "Our Doppler Weather model predicts daily showers localized to your lunch break and commute home. If that weren't bad enough, we are also expecting another four straight months of humid 90-plus degree weather that is going to make you want to literally die," said the 26-year-old climate scientist as she began to prepare for the next unnecessary, round-the-clock "Hurricane Watch" reports for storms developing off the coast of Africa that have no realistic likelihood of ever reaching South Florida.
But not everyone is upset about the temperature increases.
"The weather is just the price we pay for being able to avoid the cold during the winter months," said overly-cheerful accountant Paul Notowitz outside of a Coral Gables Publix. "The trick is to have a job that lets you work indoors and provides you with enough money to keep your home and car reliably air-conditioned," laughed the accountant as 17-year-old bagboy Antoine Jackson loaded bulk packages of Gold Bond powder and bug repellant into Mr. Notowitz's Lexus.
As our interview with Mr. Notowitz was wrapping up it started to rain. The 46-year-old professional entered his car and flashed Mr. Jackson a smile and thanked the young man for his help, jestingly advising the teenager to "try to stay dry."
"I'll do my best," replied Mr. Jackson as he wiped away perspiration from his upper lip. The teenager then sighed, reentered Publix to end his shift, and began walking in the downpour to the University Metrorail Station in order to make the hour-and-a-half return trip to his Liberty City home.