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Supreme Court to Decide If Jehovah's Witness Owned Bakery Must Make Birthday Cake

A Miami-based bakery owned by Joseph Rutherford will be in front of the U.S. Supreme Court next year to decide whether Rutherford, a devout and very boring Jehovah's Witness, can decline to make a birthday cake on account of his religious beliefs.

The case arose late last year when Kendall residents Jeffrey and Amelia Amarillo attempted to commission a cake for their daughter Bethany's 8th birthday from Mr. Rutherford's bakery "Where the Knead is Greater." Mr. Rutherford, a lifelong Jehovah's Witness, refused, telling the couple that his religion does not allow celebrations or birthdays. "Get the fuck out, really?" asked Jeffrey to Mr. Rutherford, who is always serious.

"I don't believe in celebrating birthdays," said Mr. Rutherford, who has no idea how old he is. "Happiness is a pagan concept."

Mr. Rutherford politely told the couple that he would make them a cake if they promised not to eat it in connection with any happy event or in celebration of anything. The couple, who really just had to get to Party City and didn't have time for this shit, agreed and then surreptitiously served the vanilla sheet cake to their daughter and her friends at a female Ghostbusters themed party that night. When Mr. Rutherford found out he was irate and sued, arguing that serving his cake to happy children upset Jesus or whatever.

"They told me the cake was just for dessert!" said Mr. Rutherford of the cake he made featuring a frosting rendition of Leslie Jones yelling about something (you know her shtick). Now, Mr. Rutherford is hoping Bethany's parents will get their just deserts at the Supreme Court.

The Court is expected to hear the case in October, shortly after Bethany Amarillo's 9th Birthday, which her parents expect to be Wonder Woman themed.

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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