Governor Rick Scott addressed his constituents on Monday to propose legislation that would force South Florida’s severance from the rest of the state. His demand is modeled after the controversial British referendum to depart from the European Union in an historic “Brexit”. Donning his best person costume, the human-snakebat hybrid held a press conference during which he pressured North Florida legislatures to campaign for South Florida’s exit from the state. In a dramatic realization of a policy move decades in the making, the Miami Exit referendum quickly popularized as Northern and Southern Floridians alike rallied behind a possible “#Mexit” or, in the less popular alternative, a “#Bro-Exit”.
“Just to be clear,” Governor Scott said in parseltongue, “when we advocate for a Miami ‘Mexit’ from Florida, we are also including the totality of the state's Mexican population, which, for simplicity’s sake, includes Cubans, Latin and South Americans, people from the Caribbean, and any darkly complected Caucasians with a medium income of less than $38,000 per year. God bless us all in the Northern Gateway to the South.”
On the heels of the announcement, a number of Political Action Committees pounced into the fray. Emulating the British nationalistic leadership in England’s “Vote Leave” organization, Florida’s “Going Toward Florida’s Opportunities” (GTFO-PAC) declared a platform to sever the bottom half of the state from the northern border of Palm Beach County to the Southern tip of Monroe. Alternatively, a small opposition party in favor of state unification, “Southern Tier Floridians Incorporated” (STFI-PAC), took to the internet with a viral video campaign telling north Florida voters “You’ll cut off your nose job to spite your slack-jawed face.”
Tempers flared as age-old rivalries between the ‘two Floridas’ passionately erupted. Territorial grabs along the mid-state “MGM-Disney Line” forced each camp to consider the precarious economic risks of a North Florida left to fend without essential tourism dollars and the South contending with limited agricultural resources.
“Those southern heathens are talking a bunch of pure hooey,” claimed GTFO’s public relations officer, Bobby Joe St. James MacGoop in an interview with The Plantain’s northern affiliate, The Yeehaw Junction, “As we always say up here: ‘Y’all don’t need Disney when ya got Deltona!”
As of this publication, polling suggests the state’s voters are evenly split on forcing an uneven split down the center of the state. Promises abound in motivating support for the severance, including assurances from Governor Scott that, should he gain the support needed, he will undoubtedly have a wall built along the dividing line.
“We promise you a border,” he declared to rallying supporters in a parking lot at an Ocala Cracker Barrel. “And we guarantee you when that wall goes up, it will be paid for in Miami pesos!”
The referendum is scheduled to be included in the November ballot, with promises from Tallahassee that South Florida polling stations will feature malfunctioning voting machines, last-minute voting precinct relocations, and at least 5,000 pre-hanged chads for Palm Beach County.