After posting on her Instagram that fans should vote Democrat this November, Taylor Swift seems to have directly caused a sizable spike in voter registration. When asked for comment, the twenty-eight-year-old singer was apparently “shocked and disturbed at the amount of power she wields.” Sources close to the singer say she was genuinely unsettled by the idea that she could have a large impact on the nation’s democracy, and wondered if she could truly command her followers to do anything she asked.
Due to the spike in voter registration, politicians across the country have sought Taylor Swift’s support, with some even leaving gifts for the deity, er, I mean celebrity, at the gate to her home with the hope that their meager offerings will appease her enough to earn favor. Those who cannot send her gifts have instead created crude statues of her that they place at the entrance to their homes, praying that her presence may be felt and bring with it prosperity.
Swift has said she does not wish to enter the political arena, yet it seems millions believe she already has. A new SuperPac called WhatWouldSwiftWant claims to know Taylor Swift's opinion on any candidate in any given election across the nation. Despite not being in direct contact with Taylor Swift, the SuperPac asserts it can discern Swift's political leanings by slaughtering a cat and poking through its entrails while listening to her music.
The Superpac's website has crashed multiple times since launching due to an explosion of web traffic. We spoke with the site’s proprietor, Andrew Pumdkin, who had the following to say. “So as it is in 1989, so shall it be in the present. Let all who possess bad blood, embrace the power of Swift and shake it off! Swift’s will be done!”
by Daniel Jimenez