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"The Beach is a Slut and Was Asking For It" Says Man Who Defiled Pristine Shoreline During Floatopia

Miami Beach’s most hedonistic Mid-April tradition, Floatopia, made waves last weekend as participants disgusted their way into national news. Hundreds of Miamians hit the surf on assorted floatation devices for an afternoon of bathing and debauchery, leaving a literal sea of garbage in their wake. Lauded as “Miami’s Third Dirtiest Party”, the eighth annual Floatopia saw revelers use the Beach repeatedly and without remorse. By sundown, countless loads of junk were left all over the inconsolable Beach.

The ransacking, which left dissatisfied Beach residents in need of a long showers and cuddles, made the news roundups on Sunday as Miami Beach Commissioner Michael Grieco took to social media with pictures and posts of the aftermath. “This is an absolute travesty,” the Commissioner declared in a video posted to Facebook. “Floatopia will never happen on Miami Beach again. From now on, Miami Beach will only allow wholesome, respectable, and family-oriented traditions that set positive examples for conduct and decency, such as Winter Music Conference and Spring Break”

Floatopia’s “floaters” felt otherwise, however, as droves of wet, sweaty, and drunken mainland residents were seen collectively hi-fiving each other as they left the Beach to recover on its own. Floatopian volunteers tried to console the dejected Beach, telling it that "it was not its fault."

“The Beach deserved a lot better,” said one volunteer as he loaded empty Corona bottles and lemon wedges into a deflated raft.

Mayor Philip Levine, who participated in Floatopia by riding the waves on his float, a "modest" $22.3 million dollar yacht named “The Phil-otopia”, addressed the issue from both ends in an emergency press conference, simultaneously trying to assuage angry Beach residents by declaring the Beach's treatment a “gross violation” while also trying to promote the Beach's service industry revenue by encouraging visitors to “come back for more anytime”.

“The Beach could have said no and told us to stop,” claimed David Suarez, who works sporadically as a "brand ambassador" for Vapor Shark. “I didn’t hear any crying when we penetrated those sweet waves and rode them till the tide went out. I mean, the Beach was wet the whole time.”

Meanwhile, discontented locals who could not find parking were quick to criticize the Beach for not giving them what they came for. Chad Testerverter, a Third-Year business major from the University of Miami, angrily complained on Twitter that he couldn’t find a parking spot, and therefore concluded Miami Beach was a float-teasing “dyke”, vaguely understanding the term had some nautical definition, but not quite certain of its exact meaning.

Floatopia left Miami feeling conflicted with one hell of a mess to clean up. The Miami Beach City Commission has vowed to address the festival's future at its next meeting. Agenda items include ways to clean-up its image and a plan to test the event site for venereal infections.

On a brighter note, the Commission was told Monday that the Guinness Book of World Records had recognized the municipality for the Most Ironic Demonstration of a Region’s Complete Detachment from Basic Human Decency for allowing Floatopians to debase the City's beautiful Beach at the very same time the annual "Baynanza Beach Cleanup" was turning out hundreds of volunteers to different sites across Biscayne Bay to clean up trash from Miami's other defiled shores. Seriously.