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Thousands Accidentally Attend "March For Scientology"

As thousands of scientists and their supporters gathered at the "March for Science" in Washington D.C. and other cities on Saturday to show support for the sciences, a contingent of about 1,000 Miami science supporters accidentally misread an Eventbrite invite and showed up to a "March for Scientology."

The "religious organization" held their "march" in celebration of its newest "church", located on a full city block on "US1".

The Scientology march began inauspiciously enough, with only about a dozen vested church workers in attendance at 11 AM, most of whom just stood outside of the new church building smoking cigarettes and complaining about how the media lies about them. By noon, however, hundreds of pro-science marchers showed up having mistook the March for Scientology's Evite with the "March for Science" being held at the same time downtown.

"Is this the Science march?" asked Javier Jose Ramirez upon his arrival, to which one of the Scientologist quickly flicked away his cigarette and said "you are in the right place!" and offered him a free lemon square.

As the church's staff made its way through the crowd of science supporters asking vague questions like "have you ever felt inadequate" or "do you think there is anything holding you back" or "Isn't Leah Remini the absolute worst," senior Scientology members administered free personality tests and gave out lemon squares to the confused science supporters.

After about an hour most of the marchers had been brought inside the church for coursework and could each be seen leaving several hours later carrying dozens of books authored by Scientology's founder L. Ron Hubbard and thousands in debt administered by the church's staff.

When asked by the Plantain whether it was proper to proselytize to the pro science supporters that showed up at the church, a senior church member said that it was because Scientologists are very pro-science. "We are so pro science we aren't even allowed to have a conscience."

The Plantain spoke to science supporter Javier Jose Ramirez as he exited the building and asked him about his experience inside what we assume was the den of a terrifying cult:

"They were all very nice," said Mr. Ramirez, who had crumbs of lemon squares all over his mouth.

"Is that all you have to say?" we asked, frankly expecting a little more juice given all of the media reports about how Scientology is evil and kidnaps and enslaves people.

"Look, they believe in some crazy things, for sure. But most of the people in there seem pretty nice and are just looking for some happiness, so who am I to criticize. What they believe isn't any crazier than what Catholics or Jews or Muslims believe."

"So what was it like in there?"

"I just sat and they played me a few videos."

"What type of video?"

"Mostly just clips from Cocktail actually."

The 31-year-old computer engineer said he decided to buy 1 book from the Church for $20, mostly as a thank you for all the lemon squares he ate, but also to figure out exactly what it was these people believe. "It's one book," said Mr. Ramirez, "what's the worst that could happen?"

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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