The Plantain
latest

Tim Kaine Takes Cuban Mistress To Pander To Hispanic Voters

Despite the fact that he is very, very white, Vice Presidential candidate Tim Kaine is seen by many Clinton advisers as someone who can help the campaign attract Hispanic voters. The former Virginia Governor, who is fluent in Spanish, and has been campaigning in swing states with large Hispanic populations since he was selected as his party's VP pick last month. Now, in an attempt to further solidify his growing popularity among Hispanic voters, Governor Kaine has purportedly also taken a Cuban mistress.

The Plantain has confirmed that Governor Kaine has begun a fling with 29-year old Yenisleidy Rodriguez-Arroyo. Ms. Rodriguez-Arroyo, a Miami-based DJ/waitress/Instagram model, was selected by the Clinton campaign after an intensive vetting process that included multiple background checks, a swimsuit competition, and a dance contest. She purportedly passed with exceptional marks to become Governor Kaine's new mistress.

“We think that Yeni is the ideal side-piece for Tim Kaine,” said campaign spokesperson Melissa Donovan. “Donald Trump's racist platform has brought many Hispanics to our campaign. But Governor Kaine still needs to do all he can to bring out the Hispanic vote. Even though the Governor has been hitting it out of the park by speaking to crowds in high-school level Spanish he learned as a Missionary in Honduras, the stakes are too high for us to not do all we can to endear him to the Country's Hispanic voters. We think Ms. Roderiguez-Arroyo, and dat ass, brings the added sabor the campaign needs to energize Hispanic voters for a Clinton/Kaine presidency.”

The Plantain spoke to Ms. Rodriguez-Arroyo who described her feelings about Governor Kaine and her status as his mistress.

“Tim, he is so sweet. "He tell me 'Yeni baby, I love you' all the time and buys me gifts and clothes." When asked whether their relationship was sexual, Ms. Rodriguez-Arroyo admitted that it was not, noting that "Tim is so nervous and shy around me."

The Plantain met up with Governor Kaine and Ms. Rodriguez-Arroyo backstage at a rally in Tempe, Arizona and questioned Governor Kaine about his relationship with Mr. Rodriguez-Arroyo.

"Yeni is such a great, top-notch mistress," said the Governor nervously.

When questioned why the two had yet to consummate their relationship, Governor Kaine nervously replied that he "looks forward to having relations outside of my marriage with Yeni very soon," before fidgeting uncomfortably as his purported mistress put her arm around the small of his back.

Following this interaction, the Plantain overheard Governor Kaine tell Anne Holton, his wife of 32 years, that he did not feel comfortable having sex with Ms. Rodriguez-Arroyo.

"We did polling on this, Tim. You need to fuck her for the good of the Country," said the Governor's wife, adding "I'll always be your bottom bitch. You know that."