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Tourist Rushed to ER After Drinking Entire Colada

Robert Wendt, a vacationer in South Beach was rushed to Mt. Sinai today after mistakenly consuming an entire colada. He is expected to survive.

The news represents an escalation in reports of tourists in and around Miami endangering themselves by mistakenly drinking the popular Cuban colada whole. The coffee, which is designed to be shared and is known for being at least 1000 times stronger than "café gringo," is the leading contributor of hospitalization, insomnia, and diarrhea among white people.

This dangerous misunderstanding has put scores of tourists in the hospital.

"There was just no helping him." said Maria Dos Fuentes a server at "Abuela's Cuban Kitchen" in South Beach. "I told him that he was supposed to share it with his friends, but he told me that he "knows" coffee because he lives in New York and spent a semester in Italy 14 years ago. I can see why he didn't have any friends to share it with."

Witnesses on the scene describe Mr. Wendt gulping the coffee before engaging in what they described as "erratic" behavior.

"He ran down to the calisthenics gym on the sand and started doing pull-ups. I had never seen anything like it, mostly because I had never seen anybody seriously use the equipment at that park. He must have done over 200 pull-ups. His legs were swinging. His mouth was foaming. It was pretty inspiring until his heart gave out." reported Miguel Tavares a bystander on the scene.

Paramedics arrived and transported Mr. Wendt to Mt. Sinai where they administered him a cup of watered down Folgers to calm his nerves.

Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain

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Peter Mir is confoundingly the owner of Villain Theater