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Trump Promises Future Internment Camps Will Be Very, Very Classy

“We have to keep America safe,” said President Trump in front of a crowd of love dolls with old-timey reporters hats that were sitting in the otherwise empty White House Briefing Room. “That is why I have just signed an executive order that will round up all the bad dudes out there in order to keep them in a camp until just temporarily until we know they to thoroughly vetted,” said the President of his latest executive order. “But it’s not an internment camp,” said the President. “We are just going to concentrate bad people in a camp for a little while. And boy will it be a great camp. Like Sandals or Club Med. Wonderful pools too. The Best.”

After his announcement the President opened the floor of inanimate reporters for questions, but was only asked “how did you get to be so brave and fair, President Leader?” by a trembling 26-year-old reporter who was fed the question by Steve Bannon. “That’s a really great question,” said the President who insisted that he could have just rounded up all of his enemies and the country’s undesirables and put them in a disgusting place like a Marriott, but that he told senior staff that he wanted to show these prisoners a good time. “There’s going to be an open bar,” said the President before adding “now the Muslims in the camp might not like that so much, but oh well. They’ll get over it. They’re going to have to, folks. It’s for safety.”

As he exited the briefing to a recording of thunderous applause, Donald Trump stopped in front of what he was told was a mirror but was actually a life size portrait of a young John Voight and told himself he was doing a real bang-up job and would probably go down as the best President this Country has ever had.  

“I’m so proud of you,” said Presidential advisor Steve Bannon as he escorted the President back into his bedroom to watch TV and eat the McDonalds he had promised him. “Don’t let him out,” said Mr. Bannon to armed security guards stationed outside the room before making his way back to the Oval Office to govern.