In a nose snub to President Obama, President-Elect Donald Trump has said one of his first acts as President will be to repeal President Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate. "I've been saying it for years, folks. President Obama is not an American citizen and does not have a U.S. birth certificate to prove it, and come January when I'm sworn in, that will finally be true."
Pacing the White House halls while waiting for Mr. Trump's arrival, President Obama responded to news of President Trump's birth certificate repeal by saying"Fine, whatever. Nothing shocks me or matters anymore," as he lit a menthol in the East Wing and began repeating the Lord's prayer to himself, an act Mr. Trump said would be illegal under his presidency since he planned to pass the "Obama is Officially a Muslim so I'm Also Right About That Act."
When asked about the unrest among the American public following his election, Mr. Trump said while on a tour of the White House (which he called “a real dump”) that "America is going to be so unified once that jerk is out of the White House."
Meanwhile, thousands and thousands of young people have taken to the streets to protest the stunning realization that there are more people in the world than their 570 friends on Facebook. "Our pain is worse than yours!" chanted a swarm of young protesters quietly regretting their third-party vote.
"I don't really care if the American Middle Class has seen their way of life deteriorate over the last several years," said Esme Velasquez who was a super enthusiastic Bernie supporter but didn't really see the point in voting last Tuesday. "We need to be a country that has compassion for, and takes care of everyone, so fuck those rustbelt voters desperate for economic relief."
The anti-Trump protest, unfortunately, disbanded after about 30 minutes when several different groups of Trump protesters began to fight among themselves over whether Trump's surprising election signaled the need for the progressive movement to acknowledge that maybe not every one of the 50,000,000 people who voted for Donald Trump were acting out of racial animus but rather their own economic self-interest.
"I absolutely hate what he says. I do. I hate it. But I can't afford to feed my family because a globalized economy and loose immigration regulations have moved the jobs away," said middle-age Ocala factory worker Dave Hendrix who lost his assembly line job last year when his company relocated industrial operations to Mexico. "Trump acknowledged the problem, and to me, that was enough."
When asked to respond to Mr. Hendrix's rationale for voting for Trump, graduate student Heather Mulaney scoffed. "He is just mad because his old, white, patriarchal life doesn't matter anymore," said the 25-year-old before joining a group of Black Lives Matter protest.