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Trump Rails Against Biased “Resist” Crane, Insists Millions of Cranes Support Him

Speaking before a packed room of reporters already sick of this shit, Press Secretary Sean Spicer chastised the press for its coverage of a banner hung from a crane overlooking the White House by activist that said “RESIST,” noting the biased media should have also covered the millions of cranes around the country that do not have any anti-trump messages on them.

The President himself weighed into the controversy, noting that he had reports and information that the crane in question was manufactured oversees and promised that he would personally make sure the offending crane would be used to build the wall on the U.S. Southern Border before being deported as a “punishment.”

“But how are you going to get the crane out of the country once the wall is built,” asked someone who’s name I didn’t feel like making up for this story. “We’re gonna build a ramp folks. A great ramp. And then we’re going to drive the crane over the ramp to Mexico and just leave it there.”

“And how are you going to secure the ramp to make sure the crane doesn’t come back in?” asked that same person I made up from before. “A second wall for the ramp. We’re going to build a wonderful ramp wall,” said the President, who promised he would get the ramp to pay for the wall.

Editor’s Note: It is being reported that Saturday Night Live has executed three of its writers for reportedly making jokes about the 10-year-old crane. In a statement, the comedic institution stated that while it firmly believes in the First Amendment and protecting the speech rights of its comedians, it actually doesn’t.