President Donald Trump's administration announced today that they are looking into editing and potentially renumbering the Bill of Rights, telling a group of petrified reporters “maybe the First Amendment shouldn’t be First anymore,” adding, "how do you like that, losers?"
“Look, I’ve been taking a lot of unfair hits by the Media and have been subject to terrible and unfair insults about my great businesses, my computer genius son, my hands-- which are very very big, by the way, and my totalitarian tendencies, which are fantastic. These terrible things are being committed under the name of the First Amendment. Sad! No, Bad? Mad? Glad? No...Bad. Bad! So now I’m looking very bigly into making sure there are consequences for criticizing the President, something President Obama, who was a complete disaster and also very weak and a Muslim, by the way, should have done a long time ago but didn't because he was, after all, a very weak Muslim and I did, if you'll remember, win the election.”
When asked specifically how he would change the Bill of Rights, Trump said that he thinks the Second Amendment should be moved up to become the new First Amendment and that he plans to delete the Eight Amendment’s prohibition against Cruel and Unusual Punishment entirely, saying "sometimes you gotta be hard with bad folks.
Trump said he also plans on amending the Third Amendment’s provisions against quartering troops to allow the quartering of troops, but only in official Trump licensed hotels at taxpayer expense. He also plans on getting rid of the Fourth Amendment’s prohibition on unreasonable searches of a person’s property, adding that if people don’t want their things searched they should just become President and have the secret service protect their home like he did.
As for the First Amendment, Trump says he is not willing to get rid of it completely. “The First Amendment, which will now be known as 'the Ninth Amendment', is important, but right now it goes too far.” When asked to clarify, Trump said the new Ninth Amendment will get rid of provisions guaranteeing freedom of all religion (but noted that normal Christians and probably Jews should still be okay) and assembly, and will likely also be amended to prohibit dissenting speech against good, fair-minded leaders like Trump.
"It will still allow plenty of other forms of speech," reassured Trump, "including cross burning, raising the Confederate flags, and wearing Swastikas.”