Donald Trump spent the morning at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, reportedly sizing up the Wall while quietly wondering to himself whether he will ever be able to build his own long-promised wall.
The Plantain spoke to the Western Wall, who reports the President spent several minutes standing close to it while whispering: "You're not so big, Wall! Who paid for you anyway? How does something like you even get built? I bet whoever built you didn't have to deal with an Independent Investigator."
"It was pretty awkward," said the Wall, who was only there for the photo op and didn't expect Trump to get so emotional.
The Wall ignored Trump's insults and, seeing his antagonism as a teaching moment, explained that it was built in the year 19 by Herod the Great, who was only 25 at the time. "Wait, so that means he was born in -4?" asked Trump, who said that was "stupid." The Wall agreed.
The Wall explained to the President that Herod built it at a time of great turmoil for the Judaic Kingdom. "Herod was under investigation for conspiring with the Assyrians to take over the Judaic throne from Antigonus II Mattathias," said the Wall. "So he built me to distract the people from the investigation and changed his name from "Herod" to "Herod the Great" to remind people that he was great.
The President appeared to cheer up as he and the Wall conversed, telling reporters after that speaking to the Wall inspired him. "The Wall is itself not so impressive. It's not so bigly. But it's a wise wall. A very wise wall."
Before leaving the Wall, President Trump took a small piece of paper, scribbled something onto it, and stuffed it into one of the Wall's cracks, as is Judaic tradition.
Shortly after leaving, the Plantain paid an unscrupulous Yeshiva student a few shekels to fish Mr. Trump's note out of the crack. It read:
Best of luck!
Donald J. Trump The Great.