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Universal to Open “US-1: The Ride”

By Ángel Saxon

Universal theme park in Orlando will be opening an exhilarating new ride based on the infamous US-1 highway in South Florida, it has been announced. Representatives of the much loved family friendly park have officially confirmed the news after months of excited rumours and rumblings amongst theme park aficionados.

“We’re thrilled to finally confirm this breathtaking new addition to our lineup of attractions,” Tom McPlainsuit, a representative for Universal, told The Plantain. “Our audiences have been clamouring for a new thrill ride at our property, and this one really delivers,” he added.

“As with all our licensed properties, we aim to bring both the fun and the authenticity for our audience, which is why US-1: The Ride is a spinning rollercoaster operating at breakneck speed. Much like the real US-1, guests to our park will be tricked into believing they are in control of the ride, but this will of course be a very complex illusion.”

"We made sure that the ride experience has all the adrenaline of the real thing."

“We’re very excited about this new property as it contains groundbreaking new elements for a rollercoaster thrill ride. Guests to our park will step into specially leased carts mocked up as overpriced German cars, and will be submerged in an exciting and also terrifying world played out by other carts operated by an advanced AI."

"The ride will effectively be randomised each time, with an assortment of hazards playing out around the riders including random heavy braking, simulated drunk and/or texting drivers, mirrorless and signal-free merging, zero lane discipline, peacock interaction events and of course, a faint but very genuine and impossible to ignore sense of death - we made sure that the ride experience has all the adrenaline of the real thing.”

We stopped Mr McPlainsuit in the middle of his breathless pitch to confirm if he had just said that riders actually faced a real risk of death on the new ride.

“As I was saying, this ride is as authentic as it gets,” he added, winking. “We’ve literally thought of everything. We even scrimped on every cost to make sure the construction and build of the ride is as flimsy as possible. The actual feel of the ride itself is awful, I want to assure all fans of US-1 that.”

After the disastrous launch of Universal’s “The Fast and the Furious Ride” which closed two days after it opened, Universal Orlando will be hoping that their new US-1 ride will represent a win for them.

“They didn’t realise how boring the people of South Florida would find a Fast and the Furious ride,” an anonymous source at the park told The Plantain. “They’ve finally accepted that a ride based on the real driving experience in South Florida is far more electrifying than anything The Fast and the Furious franchise depicts.”

Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.