The State of Florida has reclassified the portion of US1 south of the I-95 as a parking lot, a decision officials say was legally required due to the "constant fucking standstill" of traffic drivers experience every "god-damn day."
State law clearly defines a "road" as "a paved street used by vehicles to transport motorists from one destination to another," said Adolf Braunsman, Miami-Dade's Director of Traffic Abatement. "Unfortunately, US1 no longer fits that definition, with most drivers spending a good portion of their daily commute flipping through Instagram because literally no one is moving, what the fuck!"
An unfortunate result of the reclassification is a substantial decrease in State funds to Miami-Dade County for maintenance of US1. In order to make up for some of that lost revenue, police will begin issuing parking citations to those stuck in traffic.
"It's very common for cities to operate municipal parking lots," said Mr. Braunsman. "Commuters wishing to avoid a citation as they sludge from their homes to work will be required to pay a small, constant, never-ending fee collected through Park by Phone.
"I'm not parked, I'm driving to work!" said attorney Jason Ireland, who received three parking citations as he spent an hour and a half inching from his Pinecrest home to his Brickell office this morning.
"Have you moved from this space in the last 10 minutes?" Asked the officer.
"Well, that sounds more like being parked than driving," said the office as he handed the 32-year-old a $67.00 ticket, which the man initially planned on challenging but then decided to just pay it since it costs more to challenge an unjust ticket than it does to just pay it, goddammit.
When asked why he doesn't just take the Metrorail to work, Mr. Ireland explained:
"Look, the Metrorail is fine, but is completely impractical for nearly anyone in South Miami-Dade to use. In order for me to get to the Metrorail, which is only like 4 miles from my house, I need to drive in nonstop traffic for 30 minutes and then go up literally 10 floors to find a parking spot. If I don't want to do that then my only other option is to take the busway, which means I need to take an Uber to the bus stop, then wait in the heat or rain for a bus, which is always late, and then transfer to the Metro. The amount of time it takes to actually get onto the Metro far outweighs the efficiencies of actually taking the Metro, and ends up costing a lot more."
A long-promised rail expansion to South-Dade was recently defeated, with the County choosing instead to just order some more buses that no one wants right after subsidizing a bunch of Stadiums no one needs.
When asked what the County's Transportation Department was doing to alleviate the congestion, Mr. Braunsman said there was a proposal to turn the M-Path bike lane into a tolled expresslane, but that it has been met with some opposition