Capitalizing on Miami’s ongoing fascination with driving poorly, spaghetti interchanges, and beeping at cyclists, the City of Miami Beach and the City of Miami jointly announced today the construction of a new 4-lane interstate class express road. Unlike other express lane construction in Miami-Dade, this newly announced I-305 project will be exclusively express lanes that cater only to wealthy South Beach residents willing to shell out $12+ each direction for an exclusive road, unobstructed by recently immigrated Uber drivers and abuelas talking on their speakerphones.

The construction will roughly follow NW 20th St in Miami, tunneling under Wynwood and Overtown. A tunnel was chosen for this area because both districts have already benefited from the pleasures of highway noise and exhaust. The expressway will then proceed over Biscayne Bay in a sweeping multi-million dollar arc causeway with blue LED lighting. The road will terminate at the 1111 Lincoln Road parking garage, a fitting monument to using expensive land to park more and more leased Maseratis.

Sofía Volga, resident of exclusive Sunset Harbor North complex in Miami Beach, expressed excitement to Plantain reporters. She looks “forward to soaring over the boats which keep blocking up the drawbridges on Venetian Causeway. Why they have to make me later than I am already I really don’t know.” Volga’s husband Sebastián, a real estate agent for Berkshire Hathaway who is also a DJ, agreed while adding that “the special exit into the new Trader Joe’s parking lot will really help Sofía drink more sangria, which she needs.”

José González, director of Miami Beach transportation, cut into the press conference proceedings to mention that this beautiful new highway project absolved everyone in the room of trying to build reliable public transportation. Despite Miami Beach being the single most logical place in Miami-Dade for Metrorail, another road soaring over Biscayne Bay is exactly what we need.

By Mike Garcia

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