“Miami is a cultural and intellectual desert”, so says 23-year-old lifestyle reporter Melissa Hitchens in this month’s issue of “Brooklyn Pedantic Magazine.”

“Despite every effort to engage locals in a thought-provoking conversation about art or literature, I simply could not find any takers,” reported the Dubuque, Iowa native who moved to Brooklyn last year after graduating with a degree in sociology from Ohio’s Kenyon College. “Indeed, after unsuccessfully searching high and low on Collins Avenue for an authentic human experience, I am convinced that none exist in Miami,” the reporter concluded after two days in South Beach sipping expensed mojitos under a cabana at the Fontainebleau and spending her nights dancing at LIV.”

When asked whether a two-day trip to South Beach could form the basis of such a scathing review of an entire community, Ms. Hitchens defended her reporting: “I take my role as a journalist seriously, and though I was only in Miami for a couple days, I went out of my way to live like a local. I went to Lincoln Road, I ate at Pizza Rustica, and I bought an “I’m in Miami, Bitch” tank top. It all sucked and the shirt shrunk after one wash. I live in Brooklyn, so I know real culture, and Miami just doesn’t have any.”


  • Eric Garcia
    Eric Garcia

    Hey 23 year old “journalist”. Lincoln Road, LIV, mojitos and Pizza Rustica are all things locals DON’T do. Maybe you should go to Disney World for two days and judge Florida. I’m not claiming Miami has more “culture” than Brooklyn. I do know some could make that argument strongly. But Miami has mad culture that is unique to anywhere in the world. Like most things… You gotta know where to look. It doesn’t hit you in the face like in New York.
    So, if you want to come down here for two days to judge and write your blog, that’s one thing. But don’t claim “journalism”, cause what you did is the farthest thing from it.
    Come correct.

  • Pete

    Congratulations you came to Miami and did everything shitty tourists do, nothing you did is anything a local would do, most importantly No one would but that shirt that lives here!

  • Dr. Robert Cleary
    Dr. Robert Cleary

    LOL, That is a worldly wise person I will listen to… NOT
    very juvenile, but I understand that ‘the world revolves around these types”

  • Alison

    Miami is culture-free. Stay at Miami Beach (not even a top-tier beach) for a couple of days and unless you’re into dancing at generic clubs with a sunburn, and nothing else, you’ll quickly run out of things to do. Oh, and the traffic is hell. And the rudest people in the U.S.

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