“Miami is a cultural and intellectual desert”, so says 23-year-old lifestyle reporter Melissa Hitchens in this month’s issue of “Brooklyn Pedantic Magazine.”

“Despite every effort to engage locals in a thought-provoking conversation about art or literature, I simply could not find any takers,” reported the Dubuque, Iowa native who moved to Brooklyn last year after graduating with a degree in sociology from Ohio’s Kenyon College. “Indeed, after unsuccessfully searching high and low on Collins Avenue for an authentic human experience, I am convinced that none exist in Miami,” the reporter concluded after two days in South Beach sipping expensed mojitos under a cabana at the Fontainebleau and spending her nights dancing at LIV.”

When asked whether a two-day trip to South Beach could form the basis of such a scathing review of an entire community, Ms. Hitchens defended her reporting: “I take my role as a journalist seriously, and though I was only in Miami for a couple days, I went out of my way to live like a local. I went to Lincoln Road, I ate at Pizza Rustica, and I bought an “I’m in Miami, Bitch” tank top. It all sucked and the shirt shrunk after one wash. I live in Brooklyn, so I know real culture, and Miami just doesn’t have any.”

7 comments

  • Eric Garcia
    Eric Garcia
    Reply

    Hey 23 year old “journalist”. Lincoln Road, LIV, mojitos and Pizza Rustica are all things locals DON’T do. Maybe you should go to Disney World for two days and judge Florida. I’m not claiming Miami has more “culture” than Brooklyn. I do know some could make that argument strongly. But Miami has mad culture that is unique to anywhere in the world. Like most things… You gotta know where to look. It doesn’t hit you in the face like in New York.
    So, if you want to come down here for two days to judge and write your blog, that’s one thing. But don’t claim “journalism”, cause what you did is the farthest thing from it.
    Come correct.

  • Pete
    Pete
    Reply

    Congratulations you came to Miami and did everything shitty tourists do, nothing you did is anything a local would do, most importantly No one would but that shirt that lives here!

  • Dr. Robert Cleary
    Dr. Robert Cleary
    Reply

    LOL, That is a worldly wise person I will listen to… NOT
    very juvenile, but I understand that ‘the world revolves around these types”

  • Alison
    Alison
    Reply

    Miami is culture-free. Stay at Miami Beach (not even a top-tier beach) for a couple of days and unless you’re into dancing at generic clubs with a sunburn, and nothing else, you’ll quickly run out of things to do. Oh, and the traffic is hell. And the rudest people in the U.S.

  • Brooklynite
    Brooklynite
    Reply

    Hey I am an ex-Brooklynite living in Miami for three years now. Perhaps “once a Brooklynite always a Brooklynite?” There are a lot of new yorkers living here in Miami and I will just start with that. I would’ve love to hear you went to the Frost or Perez Museum. Perhaps you spend some time in Calle 8 sipping mojitos and watching a cigar rolling process and practice your spanish with cuban locals that can talk about world history and politics (the cuban regime and what it is to force migrate your country) and those people in calle 8 do it every day with interested tourist. You can check out the live music bands that play in calle 8 and learn about the different types of salsa and derived music like Boogaloo that comes from
    New york and it is still played live in calle 8. Did you got yourself a guayabera to show off in your next rooftop party? What about the Frost Art Museum? A beautiful top of the line Museum located in drumroll Florida International University mostly a latin american art exhibition and its free! What about amazing Colombian, Venezuelan and Spanish food? Got yourself a kick*ass paella? Miami was Spanish one time, so we have a lot of that culture going on. Ceviche? That is un heard of in New York. The closest would be CocoRocco in the slope. But nothing like freshly caught fish from the atlantic made it into an original peruvian ceviche! There is a reason why the best peruvian chef Gaston Acurio is here! Did you check out his restaurant? I can keep going on. Miami might be one of the best cultural places I have lived. People here live their culture and that is why sometimes Miami feels foreign to Americans. Hope next time you can explore and understand all the beauties Miami has to offer to their visitors you just have to get out of the limits of “collins ave”

  • Another Mia local
    Another Mia local
    Reply

    She is totally lost, we dont do none of that cliche that she wrote about….jajajja, poor thing

  • Clint White
    Clint White
    Reply

    I invite you to return to Miami Beach and meet with real people who have been living here for a while. As a former “Northeastener” I understand some of your frustrations…but there is culture in this city, there are people of intelligence who would love to have a stimulating conversation. Miami Beach is more than Ocean Ave. Its full of real people and I can show you that side of this town.

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