After a video of Hillary Clinton surfaced Sunday morning of the Presidential candidate fainting outside a 9/11 memorial, Republicans have renewed criticisms that the former Secretary of State is not healthy enough to become President. In an effort to quash persistent rumors about her health, Ms. Clinton submitted herself to an intrusive, multi-hour physical examination Monday evening that revealed the 68-year-old grandmother suffers from pneumonia, the beginning stages of osteoporosis, seasonal allergies, and 30-years of relevant Presidential experience.
Secretary Clinton’s physician, Dr. Norman Bano, explained to The Plantain that the presidential candidate’s immune system had weakened recently from the prolonged lack of rest and hydration caused by this unusually long campaign season.
“The woman has been under a spotlight over a year without a break. I’d like to see anyone go through such a long and stressful campaign without getting sick,” said Dr. Babo. When questioned whether that is precisely what 70-year-old Donald Trump had done, Dr, Babo scoffed, saying only that Secretary Clinton was as healthy as a 68-year-old pneumonic horse.
As her campaign tries to dismiss health concerns about Secretary Clinton as mere conspiracies, the candidate has not helped to ease anxieties by refusing to release her medical records to the public and engaging in what some are calling an “unhealthy obsession with privacy.” Following Sunday’s fainting incident, however, Secretary Clinton agreed to release her medical records and, on doctor’s advice, take a week off from the campaign to rest. She will be replaced by the actor Kevin Klein during her brief sabbatical.
“I’m really excited to play Secretary Clinton,” said Mr. Klein, donning a blond wig and a navy pantsuit. “I’m looking forward to exploring the duality of her personality. To some, she is the bedrock of American politics, a feminist icon, and the most qualified person to ever run for the Presidency. To others, she is a dishonest Warhawk hellbent on obtaining power at any cost. I think I’m going to be able to bring both sides of her personality to this production.”
The Academy Award winning actor landed the role of the Democratic Presidential candidate after campaign advisor John Podesta stumbled across the actor’s 1993 political comedy “Dave” on TBS late Sunday night, a movie which starred Mr. Klein as a Presidential lookalike tapped to be the acting President after the real commander-in-chief fell ill.
Coinciding with the start of Mr. Klein’s performance as Hillary Clinton, the campaign also released several hundred pages of medical records, a copy of which was provided to The Plantain for review.
The nearly 400-page document contained a one-page medical memorandum about Secretary Clinton’s health, a full copy of Mr. Klein’s medical records, which revealed that the actor had recently been diagnosis with pneumonia (which he says he caught from Secretary Clinton while researching this role) as well as mild hypertension and an elevated heart rate. The record also contained a full copy of Secretary Clinton’s 2014 memoir “Hard Choices”, with sections of the book documenting about the candidate’s foreign policy experience highlighted in yellow, as well as a signed letter of recommendation for the Presidency from Henry Kissinger.
“I don’t feel no ways tired,” said method actor Mr. Klein in faux southern drawl before setting fire to his personal laptop and cellphone and attending a $15,000 a plate fundraiser held in Secretary Clinton’s honor. “Champion of the masses or crony for the 1%?” said the actor whimsically before adding “I guess we’ll let the voters decide…The Academy voters, am I right!”