A video of Lake Worth resident Cara Jennings berating Governor Rick Scott at a Gainesville Starbuck for being the biggest asshole in the whole goddamn state has gone viral and caused the world to cheer. “I wish it were me who called him an asshole”, said literally every person in the entire state of Florida. But the Plantain’s investigatory team has discovered that Ms. Jenning’s impromptu tirade against Florida’s serpentine governor may have ultimately been to Governor Scott’s benefit.
“I saw him walk in, and I was like ‘oh, I hate that guy…I should totally shit in his coffee'”, said 19-year-old Starbucks barista Jason Ireland. “When he walked up to the register and ordered a mocha latte, for Christ’s sake, I just knew I had to do it. It was like my civic doody“, giggled the blood-shot-eyed teenager.
But Mr. Ireland’s dastardly plan was derailed when Ms. Jennings started screaming at Governor Scott. “At first I was pretty thrilled about it, because it gave me cover to duck behind the counter and start shitting in that jerk’s cup, but the lady just kept calling him an asshole over and over and over again. He eventually just left without even taking his drink. I was pretty bummed.”
When asked why he was so intent on defecating in the Governor’s drink, Mr. Ireland explained that Governor Scott has been one of the biggest disasters the State of Florida has ever seen. “He has purposefully made it harder for women and the poor to get the healthcare coverage they need and has supported policies that have done irreparable harm to our environment,” said the part-time coffee maker.
“I just wanted to give him something to justify that shit-eating grin he always has on,” the barista added.