Last Tuesday’s night sky was clear atop Junction Hill, a relatively unremarkable little bump along magnetic ley lines in northwest Florida where less than a dozen professional astrologers met to welcome the end of a particularly unusual celestial period. Equipped with charts, skyview apps, and crystals of all varieties, the metaphysical researchers spent the night discussing the closing of what one referred to as the “Semi-Millennial Ironic Quadrilogy”. The group spent hours pouring over their predictions, reviewing archaic tomes, and excitedly sharing their insights with The Plantain’s field reporters.
We had a long conversation with Cassandra “Moonlight Sundance” Leibowitz, the group’s head organizer– or as she preferred to be recognized, the “Chief Orrery Scientist”– who enthusiastically explained the significance of this shift in star charts.
“See, it all comes back to Nostradamus,” claimed Leibowitz. “His predictions line perfectly. For instance, his quatraine claiming ‘The false trumpet concealing madness Will harken unto the seat of governance an ignorance of laws- uttered from a mouth of unnatural tanning, of the man who issues forth and withdraws edicts as the bird doth tweet’. We’ve spent years aligning this prophecy to motion of the skies, and can safely and scientifically declare that this prediction foretold a prolonged series of what our experts refer to as ‘Opposite Days’. Four years’ worth, according to our calculations.”
Whether from the enigmatic writings of an ancient eccentric, or from the meticulous research of a hilltop full of moon gazers, the strange energy of the last several years should probably not be disregarded. There may be lessons to learn from a period of time that seemed to bludgeon irony to a slow and simultaneously shocking and unsurprising death.
“I can’t speak to the physics or logic of ‘Opposite Day’,” claims actual scientist Tim Muldroon, an astrophysicist and NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory. “I can say, however, as a scientist I have to acknowledge and consider patterns when they become apparent. Just consider how every head appointed to each major government agency the last four years was a former critic and hellbent deconstructionist. Thanks to the Brookings Institution, you can track the scores of rollbacks and deregulations from the Trump Administration, and the whole thing looks as though the people leading the initiatives were specifically chosen to do the antithesis of their job requirements. The last few years have been what we call in the scientific community ‘totally fucked’.”
Coming out the other end of this strange period in astrological influences, what is in store for the next few years?
“Who can tell?” shrugs off ‘Moonlight Sundance’ Leibowitz.
In the spirit of Astrological integrity, The Plantain has divined the following horoscopes to help you clarify your experiences during the “Four Year-Long Opposite Day”, and hopefully give you some perspective moving forward:
Pices: You didn’t get the cleanest water ever, but you did get resource drilling options in protected species habitats.
Aires: You didn’t get to keep Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but you did have Mitch McConnell ram a varsity football team’s worth of judges into lifetime appointments.
Taurus: You didn’t get peaceful discourse to ease racial tensions, but you did get peaceful protests all summer that the media spun as radical violence and violent white supremacist riots in the Capitol that the media just spun.
Gemini: Funny enough, you got peace in the Middle East, but you’re going to lose it any second now.
Cancer: You didn’t get an alternative to the Affordable Care Act, but you did get a pandemic that killed hundreds of thousands of your fellow citizens.
Leo: You got the Tiger King.
Virgo: You didn’t get grabbed by the pussy, even though you were alone with your own hands for the last 300 days.
Libra: You finally got that UFO disclosure your reclusive uncle has been waiting for all these years, but no one cared and he replaced it with Q Anon anyway.
Scorpio: Murder Hornets.
Sagitarius: You didn’t get Infrastructure Week, but you did get paper towels thrown at Hurricane Maria victims as if that was helpful or something.
Capricorn: You didn’t get a border wall, but you did get scores of children locked inside fenced cages.
Aquarius: You didn’t get President Michelle Obama, but you wound up with Joe Biden, so whatever.