President Donald Trump reportedly sought the advice of former pro baseball player Alexander Rodriguez on how to best handle the coronavirus outbreak and also how to get fuckin’ ripped fast.

Mr. Trump admitted in an exclusive interview with The Plantain that he has known Alex since his days as a Yankee, noting that they used to “bang the same broads if you know what I mean.” We told him we understood, but he still elaborated. “We used to have sex with the same models, you know?” We told him we got it, but he still went on, “but they weren’t all models. I mean, they all could have been models. The women we would bang. But they weren’t all professional models–“. This explanation went on for some time before we interrupted to ask about the contents of his call with the baseball player.

“Right–Well, when I was, you know, having sex with these beautiful women, I would ask them who had the better body, me or Alex Rodriguez. They would say I did, but deep down I knew they might be not telling the truth because at the time he was a professional athlete at the prime of his career and I was a 63-year-old reality TV star who lived on filet of fish sandwiches and diet cokes.”

It was at this point when the President stopped talking. “Mr. President, are you there?” I asked.

“What, oh…yeah. What were you asking me about?”

“Why you had a call with Alex Rodriguez.”

“Oh, right. So I would be having sex with these models–“

“You said that part already.”

“Oh, right. So anyway, I was always aware of Alex’s body so I figured I want to look tough on TV so if coronavirus is watching it is intimidated and maybe decides it doesn’t want to fight a strong, muscular man like me, so I call Alex and asked him if there was something I could take that would let me have a body like his. Not his body now, which, let’s be frank is a bit doughy, but his body 15 years ago when we would bang the same broads, meaning have sex.”

After taking all that in, I asked the President if Alex had been of any help, to which the President said he was extremely helpful and offered to introduce him to an unlicensed Hialeah-based physician who could “hook [the President] up with some really great, really strong roids.” I asked whether he thought it was appropriate for the President of the United States to take illegal medications from an unlicensed doctor, to which the President called me a pussy and explained that “this guy gets all the best medicines, no questions asked.” He went on to say that Arod told him this “doctor” was “the best” and that based on that recommendation he was considering having him replace Dr. Anthony Fauci at the National Institute of Health, whom the President said was “too small” to intimidate Coronavirus.

The Plantain reached out to Alex Rodriguez for comment, but upon learning that we would be recording the conversation he hung up and had his lawyer send us a cease and desist letter.

The Coronavirus is bad. Like really, really bad. But, in a time of social distancing and a worldwide panic about the spread of infectious disease, at least you can take solace in knowing you no longer have to give your friend’s creepy cousin a kiss on the cheek.

“This is bullshit, bro,” said your friend’s creepy cousin, Juan, as you stop him from leaning in. “For real? Bro, I’m so sick of people overreacting to the Coronavirus. It’s just flu,” said Juan before leaning in again to kiss your cheek. When you decline his advances again, he explains that he was “just being polite” before changing the subject to what high school you went to.

“Not leaving the house or being able to go to Ultra is hard, but at least I don’t have to kiss every greasy guy I meet on the cheek,” said esthetician Marielys Rosario after leaving a small, 40-person social distancing get together Juan’s cousin Yammy was having.

The Plantain spoke to Juan about how he feels about not being able to kiss Marielys’s kiss, to which the 27-year-old Belen alum said he understood the precaution but still thought Marielys was a total bitch for not kissing him.

The Miami Marlins announced it would play the remainder of its home games without fans in attendance, a move the team says has nothing to do with the spread of coronavirus, but a practical decision given the team’s historically low attendance records.

“It costs a lot of money to pay all the janitors and hot dog vendors for our games, and it just isn’t worth it since we’re only getting like 250 fans per game anyway,” said Marlins’ CEO Derek Jeter. When asked whether the spread of coronavirus contributed to the team’s decision, Mr. Jeter said it hadn’t. “It’s just a coincidence that people are avoiding major sporting events around the world. They’ve been avoiding us for years.”

The Plantain spoke to Marlins player Brian Anderson about whether it will impact his game to not have fans in attendance. “I don’t think I’ll even notice,” said the third baseman as he walked to the Stadium from the home of an elderly Haitian man who lives next door and lets the players park their cars in his front yard for only $10 a game.

Between interviews on local television and releasing a rap song that surprisingly fucks, the ‘Only In Dade’ crew is having quite a month. Now those crazy Jabberwockys are at it again with the launch of a new Insta page “Also in Broward.”

“I was in Pembroke Pines looking at affordable housing options and saw a naked man riding a moped that was on fire and was like ‘ONLY IN DADE!’ but then some old man wearing a Lacoste shirt stopped me and told me that stupid shit also happens in Broward,” said one of the sites masked founders who asked that we not reveal his identity. “I can’t risk it, you know. Life can be dangerous for an internet mogul,” said the unidentified man before offering to sell me an Only in Dade shirt from the trunk of his suped-up Mazda.

The Only in Dade crew had to update some of its cultural references for a Broward audience. For example, where Only in Dade features jokes about croquettes, cafecitos, and Versailles, Also in Broward has jokes about cheese sandwiches, mountain dew, and Arbys.

“We want to make our Broward audience feel like we understand the dumb shit that makes them unique. So instead of like a joke about an Abuela throwing a chancleta at her grandson for talking during Walter Mercado, our Broward page will have a Bubbe feed brisket to her grandson as she sort of racistly explains why she left Miami after Hurricane Andrew.”

“I think this is great,” said Coral Springs resident Nathan Something-White, of the new Always in Broward page. “Broward has everything Miami has plus like a ton of Arby’s, it’s about time we got a hot meme Insta and a catchphrase,” said Mr. Whitename as he bit into a cheese sandwich at Arby’s. “ALSO IN BROWARD, DUDE!” he said before chasing it down with some Mountain Dew.

Update: The Plantain will be launching its own Broward specific satire website called The Oxycontin, a reference to Broward County’s chill attitude and horrible prescription drug problem.

ALSO IN BROWARD, DUDE!

AT&T released a statement Monday morning that it had fired an employee who had mistakenly issued rapper Pitbull a 786-area code number at one of its Miami stores.

The incident went viral after a customer tweeted a video of a perplexed and angry Pitbull, who bills himself as “Mr. 305,” rejecting the offensive area code. “What is 786? Is that New York? I’m Mr. 305!” shouted a frustrated Pitbull at the 22-year-old store clerk. 

Tensions escalated after the clerk suggested the singer change his moniker to “Mr. 786”, a proposition that not only angered the superstar singer, but also Geraldo Arroyo, a local businessman who uses the title to promote his Kendall-based used electronics and furniture rental business. “The ordeal has been very upsetting,” said Mr. Arroyo before offering to rent us a Blu-Ray player for only $8.99 a month.

At one point during the video Pitbull approaches the store clerk for what appeared to be the initiation of a well-deserved beat down, but in a stunning display of forbearance, the gracious singer simply sternly requests to speak to his manager. The video concludes with the singer pacing around the store shaking his head in disbelief for several minutes as he waited for the store’s shift supervisor to return from her meal-break at the Jamba Juice next door.

In its statement, AT&T reports that it has issued Pitbull a 305 area code, and confirms that it had fired the employee and would be using the incident as a “teaching moment” for store managers. The Plantain reached out to Daniel Tellerman, the AT&T employee who lost his job because, who says he holds no hard feelings toward Pitbull and reports that he has taken a new job at a sports-ticketing agency. “I’m really excited for what the future holds,” said Mr. Tellerman. “Dale!”

Update: The Plantain has learned that Mr. Tellerman has been fired from his job for offering to sell Daddy Yankee New York Mets season tickets. “I’m Daddy Yankee!” said the die-hard Orioles fan in a statement to the Plantain.

By Manuel Del Fango IV

Citing fears of mass-contamination from the Coronavirus, the Ultra Music Festival has been canceled.

The Plantain spoke to several elderly homeowner’s association members who, while nervous about a global pandemic, were happy the noise and traffic typical of Ultra weekend would be avoided. “It’s a shame this thing didn’t catch on a few months ago, we could have avoided Basel traffic as well,” said Ari Fautbreath of Sunny Isle before apologizing and admitting he is very scared.

But not everyone is happy about Ultra’s cancellation. “Tsk tsk tsk tsk era era voooooooooom, robot noise,” went a track “written” about the cancellation by DJ HotStuffRiot AKA Derek Walters, from his parents’ Aventura home. Mr. Walters was supposed to make his major festival debut at Ultra but will now be doing nothing that weekend because he has no other plans or girlfriend or friends because he has put all his time into his fledgling music career and everyone he knows is just sick of hearing about it.

“Vava va va, robot noise, electronic static, BROOOOOM,” he played before stopping to tell us how electronic dance music “literally saved his life” and how important Ultra is to the community of drug users and tank-top wearing frat boys who attend every year.

Guest post by Vermont Senator and Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders.

Sure, during the Cuban revolution, the Castro regime systematically violated the rights of its citizens. They murdered dissenters, stole private property, and wrought so much hell on Cuba that to this day the island still suffers. But it wasn’t all bad! Here are my personal 5 favorite good things about the Cuban Revolution!

1) Literacy. When Castro came into power he implemented a literacy program. Learning to read is a good thing if you ask me, and being literate certainly came in handy when the people of Cuba received written notice from the government that their property was being seized and their relatives were arrested and executed by the secret police.

2) A low obesity rate. We have a real problem with obesity in this country and we could learn a thing or two from post-revolutionary Cuba, whose people have a very low body weight as a result of widespread poverty and mandatory food rationing.

3) Cool cars. I don’t know about you, but when I walk around Burlington I see a lot of Toyotas and a lot of Teslas, but not a lot of 1952 Studebakers. But when I visit Havana I see lots of great classic cars that frankly do a great job of distracting visitors from the subgrade infrastructure Cuba has maintained over the last 60 years.

4) Hats and beards. Say what you want about Castro, but in my opinion, he was a pretty, pretty, pretty…handsome guy and I don’t think he gets enough credit for originating a look that lots of authoritarian apologists try to emulate. So, I guess while I’m saying I would condemn his authoritarian tendencies, I wouldn’t necessarily kick him out of bed even though Cuba’s communist government still believes LGBT behavior is subversive.

5) No media saturation. All-day long I see young people twittering and googling this and that, a problem they don’t have in Cuba where people are more likely to engage in a conversation offline because they don’t have access to a free internet. Now, just imagine how happy you would be if you didn’t have the countless voices of the internet in your pocket and instead just had a steady stream of state-run propaganda telling you things are great even though your lying eyes don’t agree, traitor.

Drivers rejoice! The Florida legislature has suspended tolls on the 826 leaving drivers with a few extra bucks in their pockets while they sit in traffic questioning why they decided to move to Doral in the first place.

“There are so many places in the world to live, why would I choose here? said 40-year-old Arturo Diaz who spends an hour each morning on the 826 driving behind an overheated car driven by a street rooster to his Wynwood office. “Fuck it, bro — 305 til I die,” said Mr. Diaz who has a 786 area code.

The Plantain asked freshman University of Miami psychology student Vanessa Broder why people like Mr. Diaz are willing to move to areas that require they spend so much of their lives in Miami traffic to the detriment of their overall mental health. “Um, it’s like a lot of factors probably — maybe their parents live close by or maybe it’s more affordable or maybe they just made a bad decision and don’t want to admit it so they yell out “305 til I die, bro” as a way of drowning out the persistent thought that they could probably have a better standard of living if they moved.”

I thanked Ms. Broder for her impressive level of insight, which was frankly at odds with the party-goer mentality of most University of Miami freshmen. The 19-year-old thanked me for the compliment but said that UM’s reputation as a party school was overstated and that she takes her studies very seriously and also if I knew where she could score some coke because her connect was stuck in traffic coming from Doral.

Breaking news out of Cuba: Fidel Castro is still dead. 

Despite conflicting reports, the A.P. confirms that maximum leader Fidel Castro is still dead, although he is feeling better and better each day. The news, which is still developing, has been confirmed by several independent sources who report that they have spoken to Fidel Castro since his death and can confirm that he is, in fact, still dead. 

The Plantain has not been able to reach Castro for a statement on his death on account of his death. More as this story develops. 

Governor Ron DeSantis signed legislation this morning to consider relocating Florida’s capital from Tallahassee to President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort in West Palm Beach. The move is being hailed by Republican lawmakers as an innovative new revenue stream for Trump to exploit and has even found support among Democrats who would very much never like to go to Tallahassee again.

“While I strongly oppose giving more tax dollars to Trump’s resort, it would be nice not to spend so much time in Tallahassee which is really just about the worst place in the world,” said Democratic Senator Annette Taddeo, adding “You can’t get a decent meal in that entire place and everything closes at 6:00 PM.”

But not everyone is happy about relocating the capital. John McKintlock, the lone TSA agent at Tallahassee International Airport who said he will miss all of the lawmaker and lobbyist friends who he sees fly into the airport. The Plantain spoke to Matt D’Amore, a big sugar lobbyist who has seen John at least twice a week over the last 10 years about not being able to see his friend at the TIA anymore.

“Who? I’m just happy I don’t have to fly up to that shithole again. Mar-A-Lago has a great golf course,” he answered.