Capitalizing on Miami’s ongoing fascination with driving poorly, spaghetti interchanges, and beeping at cyclists, the City of Miami Beach and the City of Miami jointly announced today the construction of a new 4-lane interstate class express road. Unlike other express lane construction in Miami-Dade, this newly announced I-305 project will be exclusively express lanes that cater only to wealthy South Beach residents willing to shell out $12+ each direction for an exclusive road, unobstructed by recently immigrated Uber drivers and abuelas talking on their speakerphones.

The construction will roughly follow NW 20th St in Miami, tunneling under Wynwood and Overtown. A tunnel was chosen for this area because both districts have already benefited from the pleasures of highway noise and exhaust. The expressway will then proceed over Biscayne Bay in a sweeping multi-million dollar arc causeway with blue LED lighting. The road will terminate at the 1111 Lincoln Road parking garage, a fitting monument to using expensive land to park more and more leased Maseratis.

Sofía Volga, resident of exclusive Sunset Harbor North complex in Miami Beach, expressed excitement to Plantain reporters. She looks “forward to soaring over the boats which keep blocking up the drawbridges on Venetian Causeway. Why they have to make me later than I am already I really don’t know.” Volga’s husband Sebastián, a real estate agent for Berkshire Hathaway who is also a DJ, agreed while adding that “the special exit into the new Trader Joe’s parking lot will really help Sofía drink more sangria, which she needs.”

José González, director of Miami Beach transportation, cut into the press conference proceedings to mention that this beautiful new highway project absolved everyone in the room of trying to build reliable public transportation. Despite Miami Beach being the single most logical place in Miami-Dade for Metrorail, another road soaring over Biscayne Bay is exactly what we need.

By Mike Garcia

At a press conference Thursday morning, Miami Beach Mayor Dan Gelber announced that his office has issued an executive order declaring brunch a basic human right for all Beach residents.

“In times like these Americans need to remain committed to our core principles of civil liberty, equality, and bottomless mimosas. I only wish I could guarantee brunch to every man, woman, and child in our State,” said the Mayor who is expected to run for Governor next year on a platform of economic and ecological reform, gun control, and universal access to brunch. “Everyone deserves to have some eggs benedict with cayenne peppers late on a Sunday morning,” he added.

Residents responded enthusiastically to the news, with many taking to the streets to celebrate what is being referred to as “The Brunch Declaration”.

“I can’t believe I lived to see this”, said 38-year-old bike messenger Joseph Gonzalez. “You live your whole life hoping against hope that the world sees the light, and suddenly it happens. My children will now have access to a future I never did”.

But not everyone is happy with the declaration. Local restaurateurs questioned whether Mayor Gelber’s declaration meant they could no longer charger patrons for brunch, or if this meant that Miami Beach’s government would subsidize the costs of the meals. The Mayor’s office has yet to respond to inquiries from The Plantain.

For brunch activist Michael Roman, Mayor Gelber’s Declaration is a step forward, but by no means a complete victory. “We will not rest until the entire world has the right to enjoy a drunkenly decadent meal between the hours of 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM at taxpayer expense. We cannot stop to congratulate ourselves until #brunchrights are enjoyed by all.”

The Plantain caught up with 17-year-old Liberty City resident Antoine Jackson to gather his thoughts on the move for equal-brunch rights. The high-school senior told the Plantain that he was happy for the residents of Miami Beach and hoped to one day enjoy a brunch on Miami Beach, but couldn’t talk long because he had to walk to a convenience store eight-blocks away from his home to pick up a box of generic Cinnamon Toast Crunch for his siblings to enjoy before school.

“It’s so fucking hot I need to bring a change of shirt,” said Mr. Jackson before adding “I hope the Miami Beach residents enjoy their free meal though.”

By Daniel Jimenez

Ernesto Padron, 38, was killed Friday evening by a group of costumed moviegoers as he exited a screening of the new Avengers movie. Mr. Padron reportedly screamed out the movie’s ending to a crowd of dozens waiting for their theater to open, purposefully ruining the climax of Marvel’s 22-film cinematic universe for no reason other than to be a jerk and to show off to his friends. Mr. Padron’s attackers have been caught, but charges are not expected after the State Attorney’s Office called the killing “fully justified.”

The attack was reportedly orchestrated by an overweight Captain America, who attacked Mr. Padron at the insistence of his friend Hispanic Nick Furry and his girlfriend, who was dressed as Daenerys from Game of Thrones for some reason. When asked about the anachronism, fat Captain Ameria’s girlfriend explained: “I just think she is super cute and I already had the costume.”

“What kind of person waits for months to see a movie, purchases tickets six months in advance, goes to see the movie on opening night, and then immediately decides to ruin the movie for everyone else that was just as excited to see it as he was?” asked every decent person in the world who is now forced to completely avoid the internet until they see this stupid movie.

“I don’t even really like the Marvel movies, but I’ve seen all of them, so what, am I not going to see the last one? This sucks, I can’t even check my Instagram because all of my friends are jerk nerds too,” said Daniel Ceverdas shortly before purchasing tickets to the new Star Wars movie which doesn’t even come out for like 8 months and he knows he is going to hate it too, but what is he going to do, not see the Star Wars movie, goddamnit.

The Miami Dade Expressway Authority (MDX) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the Dolphin Expressway.

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said MDX spokeswoman Anne Hinga, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving has failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Ms. Hinga. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

MDX says it has entered into a memorandum of understanding with a national road consultant to draft plans for installing bumpers along each side of the middle lane of the Dolphin, an improvement expected to cost the County upwards of $75 million dollars. The Authority says it has already started to assess the viability of installing additional texting lanes on other County thoroughfares.

Sixteen-year-old Gulliver student Kelsey Gutierrez said she supported the new lane, admitting that she has already been in eight minor traffic accidents caused by phone-related inattentiveness since receiving her S-Class Mercedes at her Sweet-Sixteen party last February. The young driver noted, however, that “only old people text” and questioned whether the lanes could also be used for drivers “sending snaps” or “Instagramming cute traffic pics.” She also noted that she was “not a Millennial”, who are at this point pushing 40.

The Plantain reached out to the Miami-Dade Police Department to ask whether the texting lanes would also be available to drivers who were making Snapchat videos, Instagramming, or watching Youtube. A local law enforcement officer who asked to remain anonymous advised the Plantain that highway officers will have quite a lot of discretion about who can or cannot use the new lanes and noted that individual decisions will likely come down to officer’s mood and the driver’s race.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when there’s a murderer loose in South Beach and the MacArthur is completely backed up?

That’s the question audiences will be asking themselves when the long-awaited third installment to the Bad Boys series debuts in early 2020. In a portion of the script leaked to the Plantain by a grabby Club Madonna stripper, Detectives Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) are in hot pursuit of notorious drug dealer and murdereous bad guy hiding out at a South Point safe house. Unfortunately for our heroes, it’s 7 PM on a Saturday night so traffic on the MacArthur is just fucked and the duo has no choice but to spend the entire runtime of the movie inching their way across the Causeway while listening to Power 106.

Read the Leaked Script here:

Bad Boys III: Bad Boys Figh… by on Scribd

Move over Fontainebleau, the pool at the University of Miami, and the two blocks in the design district they no longer allow black people to visit, Miami’s hottest new spot for independently wealthy people to spend a weekday afternoon is Brickell City Centre.

Initially unwilling to spend the $40 to park at the mall, I was eventually tempted to visit by the promise of stores with unpronounceable names and an abundance of Patek Phillip watches for sale that for some reason no store would let me try on. Like, how did they know that I’m poor? I bet it was my shoes.

Unlike most malls which at least has a GAP you can go into to purchase a cheap sweater or take a nap in the dressing room, Brickell City Centre has no clothing stores that you can afford. The conciliation, of course, being that those clothes wouldn’t look good on your body type anyway, so there’s that. There is, however, a welcoming Bath and Bodyworks which you can escape to in order to momentarily pretend that you are back at Dadeland where trash like you belongs.

As for food options, standouts include Tacology and that place that people who have never been to Eataly say that it’s exactly like Eataly. Buyer beware: Tacology requires you to order on an iPad but still somehow adds an 18% service fee onto the bill without telling you they did it and then still has a TIP line on the receipt. The Nopali tacos are, however, delicious.

But it isn’t all fun. For those of you that come from family money and like the idea of saying you are an “entrepreneur”, WeWork offers a great place to both run your made up business and waste parts of your vast inheritance at the same time.

“It seems like you are just bitter because you are less wealthy and attractive than you want to be,” I said to myself in a moment of self-reflection. “Maybe those people aren’t so bad and you should just focus more on your own happiness instead of criticizing others for just living their life. You’re doing pretty good for yourself, why can’t you appreciate it?”

“I’m right,” said I, to me, “Brickell City Center isn’t so bad. It’s just not for me.”

“It’s spelled ‘Centre’ not ‘Center’, I reminded myself. “Oh, fuck this place,” I said, also now wondering if I’m schizophrenic.

Life isn’t easy for North Park Elementary teacher Alice McGeary, affectionately known to her kindergarten students as “Ms. Alice.”

“I love being a teacher, but it’s so hard to survive on a teacher’s salary,” said Ms. Alice, who due to budget cuts often has to pay for school supplies such as chalk, crayons, and semi-automatic assault rifles for personal defense out of her own pocket.

“It adds up, you know,” said Ms. Alice as she showed off several handguns she purchased to strategically hide around her classroom in the event of a mass shooting. “Don’t get me wrong, I feel much safer having a gun in a room of 5-year-olds, but guns are expensive!”

The Florida Senate passed a bill this week to permit teachers to carry guns in their classroom, but without any provision for reimbursement of the guns. “While we applaud the Senate’s proactive approach to surrounding our children with guns, we must not forget that this type of legislation has put an increased burden on our teachers,” said a teachers union representative from Miami-Dade County.

Ultimately, teachers like Ms. Alice will carry the increased burden and do what is necessary to protect their students. “We do what we have to do. If that means I buy the guns for my classroom, then that’s what I’ll do.” When asked whether she felt comfortable wielding a gun during an armed attack, the 24-year old Ms. Alice admitted that she didn’t and began to cry. “Of course not! My last job was at a Jamba Juice, I literally am scared to death.”