Capitalizing on Miami’s ongoing fascination with driving poorly, spaghetti interchanges, and beeping at cyclists, the City of Miami Beach and the City of Miami jointly announced today the construction of a new 4-lane interstate class express road. Unlike other express lane construction in Miami-Dade, this newly announced I-305 project will be exclusively express lanes that cater only to wealthy South Beach residents willing to shell out $12+ each direction for an exclusive road, unobstructed by recently immigrated Uber drivers and abuelas talking on their speakerphones.

The construction will roughly follow NW 20th St in Miami, tunneling under Wynwood and Overtown. A tunnel was chosen for this area because both districts have already benefited from the pleasures of highway noise and exhaust. The expressway will then proceed over Biscayne Bay in a sweeping multi-million dollar arc causeway with blue LED lighting. The road will terminate at the 1111 Lincoln Road parking garage, a fitting monument to using expensive land to park more and more leased Maseratis.

Sofía Volga, resident of exclusive Sunset Harbor North complex in Miami Beach, expressed excitement to Plantain reporters. She looks “forward to soaring over the boats which keep blocking up the drawbridges on Venetian Causeway. Why they have to make me later than I am already I really don’t know.” Volga’s husband Sebastián, a real estate agent for Berkshire Hathaway who is also a DJ, agreed while adding that “the special exit into the new Trader Joe’s parking lot will really help Sofía drink more sangria, which she needs.”

José González, director of Miami Beach transportation, cut into the press conference proceedings to mention that this beautiful new highway project absolved everyone in the room of trying to build reliable public transportation. Despite Miami Beach being the single most logical place in Miami-Dade for Metrorail, another road soaring over Biscayne Bay is exactly what we need.

By Mike Garcia

The Plantain is, at its best, a waste of time during the day. And not even a very good one. Our most popular article is about a chicken worrying that Little Havana is being overdeveloped and how she is nervous she’ll be priced out of her home in a storm pipe behind a Navarro. That’s the sort of content we are most comfortable producing.

But more and more often, we find ourselves taking on the role of media critic when The Miami Herald does something inept or offensive or racist or anti-Semitic. That’s happening far too often these days and demonstrates a real issue that faces our community. It’s honestly exhausting trying to keep up with all of the Herald’s issues as of late and to come up with ways to spin them in a way that is either funny or not too preachy or tries not to concede that for many in Miami, the failures of the Herald’s leadership have irreparably tarnished the reputation of the paper as a whole.

So we decided to change things. The Plantain has partnered with Billy Corben and a team of independent journalists and editors to provide a new front page for Miami and a platform for editorial and analysis that is run by a board of locals from all walks of life whose only goal is to raise voices otherwise ignored by The Herald.

There’s not going to be any ads or sponsored content or conflicts of interest. Just the news you need from across Miami-Dade County located in one place so you can empower yourself to participate, hold our leaders accountable, and make Miami better. Will it work? Maybe. This is an experiment in independent, community-led journalism so if it is going to succeed it’s going to need your help. Join us at www.becausemiami.com to sign up to learn more about our mission and follow us on Twitter @BecauseMiami.

It shouldn’t be the responsibility of a satire website to try to save our mainstream journalistic institutions, but that’s the world we live in…Because Miami.

El socialismo es malo y el capitalismo es bueno. Lo sé porque mi papá me lo dijo cuando era niño y cuando escuché a un grupo de hombres parados afuera de una ventanita reiterar el punto después de ver a una mujer con un anillo en la nariz pasar cerca de ellos.

Sabemos que el socialismo es malo porque Cuba es socialista y es mala, y sabemos que el capitalismo es bueno porque Cuba es socialista, entonces el capitalismo es bueno. Bajo el socialismo, la gente muere y no puede pagar las necesidades básicas como comida y vivienda, pero bajo el capitalismo la gente podría permitirse cosas como comida y vivienda si trabajaran más duro.

A veces puede ser difícil saber qué es socialista y malo, especialmente en un lugar como Miami, donde todos saben que el socialismo es malo a pesar de que tenemos el nivel más alto de inscripciones de Obamacare en el país. Entonces, para ayudar a determinar si algo es socialista y malo, hemos creado esta lista:

La seguridad social, el Medicare y el Obamacare eran socialistas y malos, pero ahora son capitalistas y buenos. La expansión de la seguridad social, el seguro médico y la atención médica universal siguen siendo ideas socialistas y muy malas.

Si un programa del gobierno me ayuda, es capitalista, pero si ayuda a alguien más, es socialista.

Los proyectos de vivienda asequible financiados con impuestos son socialistas. Los estadios financiados con impuestos son capitalistas y buenos. Todos los deportes son capitalistas y buenos, excepto el hockey, que es popular en Canadá, un país socialista que es malo. Cualquier deporte popular en los países socialistas es socialista y malo, excepto el fútbol, que es capitalista y por eso Miami necesita otro buen estadio capitalista para el fútbol.

Conseguir trabajo en el sector privado es capitalista y conseguir trabajo en el sector público es socialista … a menos que uses tu trabajo en el sector público para criticar a los demás que consigan un trabajo en el sector público, en tal caso eso es capitalista y muy bueno.

Coconut Grove era socialista pero ahora es capitalista, excepto durante el King Mango Strut Festival, que es socialista.

Miami Beach es capitalista excepto durante Beach Week. Brickell es capitalista y Downtown es socialista, pero se está volviendo un poco más capitalista hoy en día. La Pequeña Habana es capitalista, pero la Pequeña Haití es socialista y no preguntes por qué, esto no tiene nada que ver con raza, cállate.

Coral Gables es capitalista, excepto Books and Books, que es socialista.

Las protestas son socialistas y violentas excepto si son contra algo socialista, en tal caso las protestas son capitalistas y pueden ser violentas porque el socialismo debe detenerse a toda costa.

Los reporteros del Miami Herald son socialistas, pero el personal editorial es capitalista. Excepto cuando apoyan a Daniella Levine Cava, que es una socialista que quiere causar sufrimiento dándole seguro médico a tu nieto y un tren a la playa.

La Bahía de Biscyane es capitalista y buena, excepto cuando está llena de peces muertos, lo cual es socialista y malo y probablemente podría arreglarse con más desarrollo a lo largo de la Bahía de Biscayne.

Los cheques de estímulo son socialistas, al igual que la asistencia social, que está sujeta a fraude. Los préstamos PPP son capitalistas y cualquier fraude que ocurra por parte de una empresa que busca uno es capitalista.

El transporte público es socialista y malo, excepto el Metromover antes y después de los juegos del Heat, cuando es capitalista y muy conveniente.

Los impuestos que se utilizan para el arte son socialistas y malos, con la excepción de las obras públicas de Britto que son buenas y capitalistas. La mayor parte del arte es socialista, excepto aquellos que se pueden comprar en Bed Bath & Beyond o que muestran a un hombre con un sombrero inclinado sobre su cara mientras fuma un tabaco.

El Nuevo Plantain es socialista y malo. OnlyinDade es capitalista y bueno. Toda sátira es socialista y todos los videos de carros en llamas en la 826 son capitalistas.

“I’m telling you, folks, if Joe Biden were president there will be many, many more 9/11s. I mean, 9/11 was bad, very bad many people say, but you have to remember it was many years before I was President. But before me, as you know, you had Barack Husein Obama and Joe Biden, Sleepy Joe Biden as I like to call him, as President and, I don’t know, some people say they could have prevented 9/11, done a little more they say, maybe, but the point is I am the law and order President and Sleepy Joe and the radical, the radical AOCs don’t even watch Law and Order, let alone…let alone…Burn Notice, Blue Bloods, Bull, all of these shows which are great even though some of their creators said some pretty not nice things about me, but that’s okay, that’s okay because on 9/11 I was, I’ll never forget, I was in New York and I remember when those great, beautiful towers fell down to the ground and as I watched them I thought ‘well I guess Trump tower is the tallest building in New York again, that should be very good for my business because, as you know, I was a very successful businessman before becoming President, in New York real estate which, you know, I greatly enjoyed, I had a great life, but beyond that, beyond that I thought this is a shame because if only America had a strong leader no one would attack a great City like New York and get away with it and in fact, some people say it’s very bad that Joe Biden and Barack didn’t stop Osama sooner, some say they totally failed, but I don’t know, of course, New York recovered very big because we had Rudy, Mayor Rudy who was in charge back then and a very big supporter of me, not like New York now which has gone completely down the drain with DiBlasio and Cuomo in charge, I mean now its riots and looting non-stop, black lives matter signs along 5th Avenue, it’s awful, really,” said President Trump to the housekeeper as she entered his room to remove the 6 quarter pounders containers he had the Secret Service pick up for him from a Bethesda McDonalds late last night.

67 times the number of Americans that died on 9/11 have died of Covid-19.

Socialism is bad and capitalism is good. I know this because my dad told me when I was growing up and I heard a bunch of men standing outside a ventanita reiterate the point after seeing a woman with a nose ring walk past them.

We know socialism is bad because Cuba is socialist and is bad, and we know capitalism is good because Cuba is socialist so capitalism is good. Under socialism, people die and can’t afford basic necessities like food and shelter, but under capitalism people would be able to afford things like food and shelter if only they worked harder.

It can sometimes be hard to tell what is socialist and bad, especially in a place like Miami where everyone knows socialist is bad even though we have the highest level of Obamacare signups in the country. So to help you determine whether something is socialist and bad, we have come up with this list:

Social security, medicare, and Obamacare used to be socialist and bad but now they are capitalist and good. Expanding social security, medicare, and universal healthcare is still socialist and very bad.
If a government program helps me it is capitalist but if it helps someone else it’s socialist.

Tax funded affordable housing projects are socialist. Tax funded stadiums are capitalist and good. All sports are capitalist and good, except hockey, which is popular in Canada, a socialist country that is bad. Any sport popular in socialist countries is socialist and bad, except soccer, which is capitalist and why Miami needs another good capitalist stadium for soccer.

Getting a job in the private sector is capitalist and getting a job in the public sector is socialist…unless you use your job in the public sector to criticize people for getting a job in the public sector, in which case that’s capitalist and very good.

Coconut Grove used to be socialist but now it’s capitalist except during the King Mango Strut Festival, which is socialist.

Miami Beach is capitalist except during Beach Week. Brickell is capitalist, but Downtown is socialist but is getting a little more capitalist these days. Little Havana is capitalist but Little Haiti is socialist and no don’t look into why this is it has nothing to do with race shut up.

Coral Gables is capitalist except the Books and Books which is socialist.

Protests are socialist and violent except if against something socialist, in which case protests are capitalist and can be violent because socialism must be stopped at all costs.

The Miami Herald’s reporters are socialist, but the editorial staff is capitalist. Except when they endorse Daniella Levine Cava, who is a socialist that wants to cause suffering by giving your grandson healthcare and a train to the beach.

Biscayne Bay is capitalist and good, except when it’s full of dead fish which is socialist and bad and could probably be fixed with more development along Biscayne Bay.

Stimulus checks are socialist as is welfare which is subject to fraud. PPP loans are capitalist and any fraud that occurs by a business seeking one is capitalist.

Public transportation is socialist and bad except the Metromover before and after Heat games which is capitalist and very convenient.

Taxes being used for art is socialist and bad, except for public Brito pieces which are good and capitalist. Most art is socialist except those that can be purchased at a Bed Bath & Beyond or that features a man in a hat angled over his face as he smokes a cigar.

The Plantain is socialist and bad. Only in Dade is capitalist and good. All satire is socialist and all videos of cars on fire on the 826 is capitalist.

Mayoral candidate and current Miami Commissioner, Esteban Bovo, says he wants to tackle Miami’s increasing unemployment problem even though there is no problem, shut up, everything is fine.

In a press conference held earlier this week, Commissioner Bovo announced his plans to have 10,000 trabajo candles sent from Cuba utilizing a Miami-based shipping business owned by his cousin but that doesn’t matter, shut up, everything is fine.

“One thing we hate here in Miami is socialism or anything even remotely socialist…which is what we Cubans define as anything that effectively address a social problem, so the Trabajo candles are a perfect solution because they don’t work and therefore is not socialist,” said Commissioner Bovo who wanted to stress that the ineffectiveness of the candles is not a problem, shut up, everything is fine.

When asked what else he would do as Mayor to address joblessness in Miami-Dade County, Commissioner Bovo said he was committed to helping the community by doing the only thing he knew how to do: characterizing any type of governmental intervention as socialist for some reason and then demonizing those who want to help as Castro. “CASTRO BAD,” said Commissioner Bovo to which everyone around him readily agreed.

“I like that he isn’t a socialist,” said an elderly Cuban woman on social security who receives discounted public transit fees from the County. “SOCIALISM BAD,” said the elderly Cuban woman to which everyone around her on the bus readily agreed.

The Plantain asked Commissioner Bovo whether the Cold War-era mentality around all governmental relief programs was still relevant given the reliance so many within the community have on social programs which serve as a safety net.

“Son, you sound very ignorant. Don’t you realize that if Miami became socialist there would be massive unemployment, dirty water, corruption at every level of government, and people being unable to afford basic necessities like food and shelter?” asked Commissioner Bovo. “Socialism says it’s about helping people, but capitalism is about helping yourself and working honestly for what you have,” said Bovo before leaving to meet with a lobbyist for the candle company who happens to be a different cousin of his, but shut up about it, everything is fine.

Citing fears of mass-contamination from the Coronavirus, Art Basel has been canceled.

“What, this is terrible news!” said Miami Beach resident Darren Vanderdaren who uses Art Basel as an excuse to pick up women by talking about recently learned art facts, party with Adrien Brody, and do drugs. “I just learned what pointillism is,” he told us as he chucked his art book out of his condo’s 23rd story window. “I fucking hate art,” he said. Everyone does.

“At least we won’t have to deal with Art Basel traffic this year,” Coral Gables resident Hernando Martiz as he waited impatiently for traffic on U.S. 1 to ease up.

“Where is everyone going? There is a pandemic happening why is there still so much traffic?” he asked himself as he inched in traffic on his way to the Coconut Grove Flanigan’s to meet 30 of his friends and the Mayor for some rib rolls. “Until we take this virus more seriously we’re never going to get back to normal.”

“I’m really into mindfulness now,” said Brenden Williams to literally everyone he encountered. “It’s really important to self-reflect and meditate,” said the 29-year-old, who also now identifies as a “raw vegan” and is literally the worst.Mr. Williams found that mindfulness offers him the opportunity to seem deeper than he is and to evade responsibility for years of dicking over his closest friends and family by claiming those actions were “in the past” and “not a reflection of my current manifestation,” whatever that means.

“I guess I’m glad Brenden has found inner peace,” said his ex-girlfriend of three-years, Marianna. “But I’m still pissed at him for cheating on me and then trying to gaslight me by accusing me of cheating on him when I confronted him and then stealing $4,000 from our checking account, and taking a bunch of my things from my apartment including a vinyl case of CDs that I had been carrying around since high school. But maybe he really has turned over a new leaf.”

The Plantain spoke to Brenden, who is taking a two-weekend teaching seminar so he can “help others” through mindfulness, about whether his new enlightened persona is authentic or just a manipulative tool that allows him to emotionally abuse the people closest to him by pretending years of selfish behavior is somehow not attributable to his new “mindful” state.

“Nah,” replied Brenden as he placed a burned cd of Before These Crowded Streets into a yellow discman he also stole from Marianna’s apartment. “I truly am a better person now,” he said, before leaving me to attend a private meditation class with a 19 year old girl he found online and definitely plans to have sex with.

“Oh, and can you say my name Guru Amos Love Singh,” he asked me before plugging in his headphones and saying “I fucking love Dave Matthews!”

Between interviews on local television and releasing a rap song that surprisingly fucks, the ‘Only In Dade’ crew is having quite a month. Now those crazy Jabberwockys are at it again with the launch of a new Insta page “Also in Broward.”

“I was in Pembroke Pines looking at affordable housing options and saw a naked man riding a moped that was on fire and was like ‘ONLY IN DADE!’ but then some old man wearing a Lacoste shirt stopped me and told me that stupid shit also happens in Broward,” said one of the sites masked founders who asked that we not reveal his identity. “I can’t risk it, you know. Life can be dangerous for an internet mogul,” said the unidentified man before offering to sell me an Only in Dade shirt from the trunk of his suped-up Mazda.

The Only in Dade crew had to update some of its cultural references for a Broward audience. For example, where Only in Dade features jokes about croquettes, cafecitos, and Versailles, Also in Broward has jokes about cheese sandwiches, mountain dew, and Arbys.

“We want to make our Broward audience feel like we understand the dumb shit that makes them unique. So instead of like a joke about an Abuela throwing a chancleta at her grandson for talking during Walter Mercado, our Broward page will have a Bubbe feed brisket to her grandson as she sort of racistly explains why she left Miami after Hurricane Andrew.”

“I think this is great,” said Coral Springs resident Nathan Something-White, of the new Always in Broward page. “Broward has everything Miami has plus like a ton of Arby’s, it’s about time we got a hot meme Insta and a catchphrase,” said Mr. Whitename as he bit into a cheese sandwich at Arby’s. “ALSO IN BROWARD, DUDE!” he said before chasing it down with some Mountain Dew.

Update: The Plantain will be launching its own Broward specific satire website called The Oxycontin, a reference to Broward County’s chill attitude and horrible prescription drug problem.

ALSO IN BROWARD, DUDE!

“We start with the freshest ingredients,” said Sergio Mendoza, owner of “Biscayne Bay Sushi”, an unregistered food truck that usually can be found operating on NW 71st Street unless Sergio is staying with his girlfriend Yami in Kendall.

“We got lobster, stone crabs, all sort of random fish for sashimi, plus all our meals come with rice and plantain chips,” said Mr. Mendoza. “Why go to Joe’s if you can get good food from my truck for like $10 bucks?” he asked seriously, poor thing.

But business hasn’t been so great for the aspiring club promoter. “I would have thought what with all this economic turmoil or whatever people would be lining up to try my sushi,” said Sergio, who also acts as the truck’s chef. “I watched like 7 Youtube videos and half of Jiro Dreams of Sushi, so I know what I’m doing. I don’t know why there aren’t more customers.”

Biscayne Bay is full of shit and Sergio serves fish that died as a result of unhealthy water conditions,” said Miami Herald Food Editor Carlos Frías. “Can you actually attribute me as “James Beard-winning Food editor, Carlos Frías?.” We declined.

When asked to respond to allegations that he was serving fish that perished in Biscayne Bay, Mr. Mendoza was quick to explain. “That’s not totally true. We also serve lobster and like a few frogs. Biscayne Bay is like locally sourced, so it’s healthy. We even found a chicken that drowned in there. It’s so much fresher than Chicken Kitchen.”

We declined Mr. Mendoza’s offer of a lobster roll and a bootlegged Miami Heat jersey for $13 dollars, as well as his follow up offer of “okay, bro make me an offer then, what you don’t remember Norris Cole?”

After leaving the truck, the Plantain called the City of Miami’s code department but was told they did not have the resources to investigate Biscayne Bay Sushi on account of all of the one lawyer they are going after for working at home for shady fucking reasons. “It has nothing to do with the fact that he sued us a bunch of time,” they told us preemptively.


OHhhhh. And if you do want to further support the Plantain consider buying some of our new merch. We owe $50 for our stupid website’s servers because we’re too lazy to optimize our Google ads.