Walter Mercado is dead.

Your Abuela swore he saw the future. But who was Walter Mercado and how can you succinctly explain him to your sorority sisters before they come over for Noche Buena?

Here are some quick answers you can give to Rebecca and Hillary so they don’t make a fool of themselves by confusing him with Rue from the Golden Girls when they see your Abuela watching VHSs of his show she has had since the 80s.

Who is Walter Mercado?
Walter Mercado was a TV astrologer who owned a lot of capes. He has been on TV since it was invented and could predict the future in a vague sort of way.

What is an Astrologer?
An astrologer is, generally speaking, a con-artist. Not to be confused with an “astronomer,” which is a scientist. Neil Degrasse Tyson is an astronomer, but that lady who your Tia Larissa gives $40 to once every month that told her to break up with her boyfriend is an astrologer.

So Walter Mercado was a con-artist?
You shut your mouth. Walter Mercado was a national treasure who has brought untold joy and entertainment to Cuban matriarchs for more than 50 years.

Oh okay, so your grandma likes him because he is Cuban?
No, Walter Mercado is a proud Puerto Rican. But every Spanish speaking country has basically claimed him as their own, so you’re sort of right. 

Are you sure he isn’t one of the Golden Girls?
Pretty sure, but I wouldn’t want to bet money on it.  

Con mucho, mucho amor. 

What’s that mean? Why do you guys eat so much pork? Your cousin just gave me his number, but like isn’t that his girlfriend in the corner?

Just go with it, Hillary.  

By Jasmine Perez-Santiago

After receiving criticism over his decision to host next year’s G7 meeting at his Trump National Golf Course in Doral, President Trump has moved the international summit to the party room in the back of Doral’s Las Vegas Cuban Cuisine.

“Doral is one of the nicer cities within a 5-mile radius of Miami International Airport,” said the President who is sticking to his position that Doral is the best place to hold a meeting of world leaders. “Doral is perfect for an international meeting like this. It is completely landlocked and at least 40 minutes from anything more interesting, so we will have plenty of time to focus on diplomacy, plus it is still close enough to my golf club that I can still peddle influence to the highest bidder.”

The Plantain reached out to Las Vegas Cuban Cuisine’s management who was unaware of the President’s decision. “Oh, we are definitely not prepared for this type of attention.”

After hyperventilating for a few moments, Las Vegas’s manager said that he believed he could handle the international spotlight. When asked how he planned to accommodate the expectations of a global menu, the restaurant’s owner said he plans to approache this event as he does all of the quinceaneras he hosts: “With lots of pastelitos and croquettes! If the world leaders don’t like that then they are probably communists anyway.”

When told that representatives from Communist China and Russia would unofficially be in attendance even though they are not part of the G7, the restaurant’s manager thought briefly about whether to serve Communists. “Well if they aren’t part of the G7 then why would they be there?”

After explaining to him that Russia and China now apparently control all of the United States’s corporate and governmental interests, the manager thought briefly about the financial ramifications of refusing to serve Communists and decided it was okay to accommodate.

“Communists like pork, right? I’ll just make sure we serve plenty of pork.”

On Thursday morning, Kendall resident Roberto Medina inconsiderately arrived to a 10 a.m. business meeting with Jorge Lazaro on time, leaving Lazaro with more than an hour to kill before his next appointment.

Lazaro, an architect, had arranged a brief meeting with Medina to go over the latest design plans for a vape shop Abbot is opening in South Miami in what is now the Big Cheese. Lazaro, who has worked with Medina in the past, had prepared for him to be typically late.

“Roberto is always late. He never plans ahead for traffic or for finding a parking space and usually doesn’t even leave his office until when we are supposed to be meeting,” Lazaro explained.

The two decided to meet at Pasión del Cielo in Coral Gables, which Lazaro expected would take no more than 15 minutes but nevertheless blocked off a full hour from his busy schedule to accommodate MEdina’s usual tardiness. When Abbott arrived a few minutes early to the meeting Lazaro was flabbergasted.

“Usually I get a series of texts from Roberto telling me that he is ‘ten minutes away’ before he strolls in at least 40 minutes late like nothing happened. But this time that jerk was there on time. He didn’t even waste time getting a coffee. He brought his own travel mug from home!”

When their meeting concluded at 10:15 a.m., Lazaro was left unsure of what to do with himself until he needed to leave for a noon meeting in Miramar.

“I only had 14% battery, so I just ended up sitting in the coffee shop for 45 minutes with nothing to do except think about why my wife has been spending so much time with her “work friend” Dan,” the frustrated architect explained. “That jerk’s promptness really ruined my day.”

Miami is due to get an amazing new destination mall at a cost of $4 billion, and at six million square feet, it will be twice the size of the biggest existing mall in the US.

Called American Dream, the retail and entertainment complex has been approved by the Miami-Dade County Commission and will be a great place to go and try on all the things you can order on Amazon for a lot cheaper. THIS MALL HAS EVERYTHING:

  1. It’s in the middle of nowhere, so plenty of parking!
  2. 113 Auntie Anne’s.
  3. Hoards and hoards of stray cats.
  4. A kiosk selling candy that’s illegal in the U.S.
  5. A Burdines.
  6. Employees texting while you’re trying to check out.
  7. Improv comedy performed in the lobby of an onsite bank.
  8. Mario Diaz-Balart
  9. A second Mario Diaz-Balart for when your first one runs out.
  10. Elderly people sitting on leather chairs charging their cell phone.
  11. A DJ playing to an empy jeans store.
  12. A Chick-Fil-A (but it’s closed today).
  13. An Olympic sized track cafeteria surrounded by Asian restaurants that will feed you a bite of teriyaki chicken upon the completion of every lap.
  14. The last Blockbuster video, but it’s closing soon.
  15. The mall is in the shape of a Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

  16. The murder rate is like really low, all things considered.
  17. Live music every day, but its too god damn loud.
  18. Israelis trying to sell you cell phone cases.
  19. A 37-year old shopping at Forever 21.
  20. Foreigners carrying empty suitcases.
  21. An old Cuban man masturbating in the bathroom.
  22. The last Claire’s.
  23. JNCOs!
  24. A young Pitbull trying to sell you his mixtape.
  25. Thousands of workers not making a living wage.
  26. An uncomfortable child with his parents in a Spencers.
  27. Spaniards with their collars popped.
  28. Your dad buying Jewelry, which you think is sweet that he would get something for your mom after all these years, but then he never gives it to your mom, so you’re all like “Holy shit. Is dad having an affair?”.
  29. A Dippin’ Dots ice cream stand.
  30. A disappointed child next to the Dippin’ Dots.
  31. A Pizza Rustica that closes down every two weeks and moves to a different location.
  32. A man with a homemade sign warning those who pass by about the mafia.
  33. Dan Marino reluctantly signing autographs while eyeing potential locations for a new Dan Marino’s Grill.
  34. Allen’s Drugs sign, but inside it’s just a CVS.
  35. A rickshaw operated by someone name Dick Shaw.
  36. A teenage couple breaking up in the food court.
  37. A Virgin Record Store that is a portal back to 1996 and in which you can see a pre-Don’t Speak No Doubt making an in-store appearance. They won’t be performing, but they are signing autographs!
  38. Free smells!
  39. A somehow more expensive but worse version of Benihana.
  40. An Apple employee condescendingly making fun of the Microsoft store employee.
  41. Teenagers buying the clothes I wore in high school twenty years later from Urban Outfitters for twice as much as they cost when they were new.
  42. Liam Gallagher! Look at that, that’s pretty cool.
  43. Suicide booths.
  44. A murdered drug informant from the 80’s.
  45. A developer scoping out where they can build a hotel tower and yacht marina.
  46. Donna Shalala’s 347 Grill.
  47. Kristin Rosen Gonzales, god bless her, just trying her hardest, poor thing.
  48. A Cuban Guys restaurant.
  49. A Brookstone employee learning to tie a tie for the first time.
  50. A child on a leash
  51. A dog in a baby carriage
  52. A young Joan Cusack
  53. A Sergio’s that is always out of ham croquettas.
  54. A mattress store with no practical way to carry that mattress to your car.
    .
  55. An abandoned corridor with a Christian book store and a place that sells Marlins branded clothing and accessories
  56. A Sound Advice run by my high school girlfriend’s father.
  57. A teenager on drugs. Several, in fact. Also, adults on drugs. But they are all trying to hide it.
  58. Que Pasa USA VR experience.
  59. An Earls Kitchen + Bar that conspicuously only hires really sexy people. How is that possible? Why are they so good looking?
  60. “Mares” – Claire’s for horse accessories
  61. A group home for children who got lost in the mall and just live there now.
  62. A Medieval Times funded by The Knight Foundation, but it’s not THAT Knight Foundation.
  63. A bunch of Gulliver students smoking cigarettes outside of a Starbucks.
  64. A man stomping away from an argument with his spouse. Where is he going to go? He’s not going to leave her at the mall, that will only make things worse. He’ll just get a pretzel from Auntie Anne’s and come sulking back to her to apologize.
  65. An FIU extension course offering an MBA in business management.
  66. Literally hundreds of thousands of places to buy ceramic hair straighteners.
  67. Confession Booths.
  68. A toy store that only sells those little toy dogs that flip.
  69. A combination Books-a-Million/Taco Bell
  70. A little kid dressed like Spider-Man, he probably shouldn’t be dressing up like this but it’s good that his parents support his choices. Still, he will probably have issues later in life but it will probably be OK.
  71. A cold churro store.
  72. A guy helping with parking that you can’t tell if he is hired by anyone.
  73. Plenty of flashers.
  74. A sound proof room where people that try to get people to try hand creams can go to scream.
  75. A sensory deprivation chamber that tweens confuse for an Abercrombie and Fitch.
  76. A major league soccer stadium.
  77. Wheelchairs R Us.
  78. An American Doll Store/Nightclub.
  79. A sex store for Joe Garcia to buy dildos.
  80. A pasion de cielo next to a Starbucks that I feel bad for not going to but I’m not going to go to.
  81. The “Bodies” exhibit but it’s just mirrors.
  82. Death, mortality and lack of contentment.
  83. “Things I Used to Wore.” It’s a store that just has shirts I used to wear in 2005 but don’t really fit me anymore.
  84. Versailles (the French one).
  85. A nitrogen ice cream store that used to be a Menchies that used to be a cupcake store that used to be a Cold Stones.
  86. A Macy’s and a ghetto Macy’s.
  87. Invasive Species Petting Zoo.
  88. An arcade only filled with that one X-Men game from the 90s.
  89. Hundreds and hundreds of Britto statues, fixtures, and mementos.
  90. A sign at the entrance that says “Congrats! you’re killing the Everglades just by being here”
  91. A theme park, indoor ski resort, and submarine exhibit that no one in Miami will go to more than once and no one outside of Miami will travel to the fucking Everglades to visit.
  92. Black Friday sales, everyday.
  93. Daytime flooding!
  94. An unauthorized mural soon to be the subject of a lawsuit by Aholsniffsglue

Dressed in a skintight leopard-print mini-dress, 26-year-old Danielle Alvarez stumbles drunkenly across the Setai Hotel’s opulent South Beach lobby. In one hand she holds the arm of hotel guest Jordan Silverstein, the son of wealthy industrialist Harold Silverstein and her beau for the evening. In the other, a pair of pink stiletto-heels that she removed from her feet before leaving the Ocean Drive club where the two met hours earlier. Dirt and droplets of blood from her calloused feet track her erratic gait.

Ms. Alvarez is a “pata sucia“, a colloquial term for a woman who removes her heels after leaving the club to walk the dirty streets barefoot. The term’s literal translation is “dirty feet.”

Mark Lapazzia, the Setai’s nighttime manager, watches pata sucias like Ms. Alvarez walk through his lobby every night, each with the same result: Dirt is tracked through his lobby by the shoeless women his guests bring back from the club.

But tonight is different.

“Having to deal with pata sucias every night was driving me mad,” said Mr. Lapazzia. “There were so many that we had to hire a full-time night janitor to mop the lobby whenever one of these shameless women would walk through.” But after months of strategizing how to keep his lobby clean, Mr. Lapazzia realized that to solve this problem he needed to be proactive.

“I thought, instead of trying to clean the lobby, it may be easier to just clean these women’s disgusting feet,” said Mr. Lapazzia. And thus, by installing a simple foot shower outside of the entrance of the Setai, and supplying his concierge with a stockpile of complimentary slippers for his guests’ overnight paramours, Mr. Lapazzia solved an age-old hospitality problem and created the newest must have accommodation for Miami’s luxury hotels.

“The Setai services some of the world’s wealthiest and sophisticated clients. The type that expects nothing short of perfection. Unfortunately, sometimes those guests are enticed by a tremendo culo in all white stretch pants and bring a ratchet woman back from the club. The Setai is proud to be able to offer our guests’ colorful friends a place to wash the dirt off of their feet and a nice pair of slippers to wear as they walk through our stunning lobby to our lavish guest suites for the night.

The Plantain caught up with Ms. Alvarez early the next morning as she left the hotel and asked her what she thought of the Setai’s unique pata sucia accommodations. The Aventura native said that she thought it was “like a super classy thing” for the hotel to offer before suspiciously volunteering that the two Rolex watches loosely dangling from her right wrist was “for sure literally” hers.

When asked to clarify, Ms. Alvarez said she “was like super hungover” and had to leave. The unemployed esthetician then quickly scuttled away to an Uber waiting for her outside the hotel, still wearing the complimentary slippers she received upon her arrival the night before.

After considerable deliberation, Miami based entertainer, DJ Delicioso, announced he will continue his Tuesday night performances despite universal indifference toward his music career from his friends and family. He will continue to perform every Tuesday at the Doral Applebees.

“We at Applebees believe the musical talents of DJ Delicioso go great with our half-off savory shrimp and parmesan sirloin steak,” said Applebees’s Assistant Manager and Thursday night DJ, Ian Gonzalez. “I can’t think of a better way to spend a Tuesday night,” said the unimaginative middle manager.

DJ Delicioso, also known as Ronald Goldman (no, not the one that was murdered by O.J.–allegedly), once held aspirations of becoming a doctor but chose a career in the arts over medicine, but not before incurring $135,000 in student loans. “I believe my music can save lives in a way much more impactful than literally saving lives,” said DJ Delicioso as he ate the mozzarella sticks he agreed to accept as payment.

Despite having performed at the Applebees every Tuesday for the last four years, DJ Delicioso’s friends and family have never come to watch a performance. “It’s not that we don’t support him,” said his parents, Ellen and Roger, who literally support him. “We just hate Applebees and think he should go back to school.”

After hearing his parent’s criticism, DJ Delicioso informed his parents that he was going back to school, a revelation that absolutely delighted them until they found out that he signed up for a two-week online DJ certificate that would indebt him with another 65K in loans. “That’s not what we meant!” cried his mother as she left the room.

“They’ll come around,” DJ Delicioso told The Plantain. “One day I’ll make them proud,” he said earnestly. He hopes the Applebees gig will be a stepping stone to larger gigs, including his ultimate goal of playing the Chili’s in Bayside during Miami Music Week.

By Kyle Rambo

Bro, listen. Thank you so much for clicking this article. But I’m seriously up to my ass with actual work right now and don’t have time to write something real here.

So just imagine I did something clever in the body and try not to think about how you’re still paying for that monstrosity of a baseball stadium that can’t even attract more than 30 people to watch a fucking game.

After years of petitions, the Internal Revenue Service announced Wednesday that it has finally recognized Versailles Restaurant, the iconic Little Havana cafeteria that serves as the spiritual center for Miami’s Cuban population, as a taxed-exempt place of worship. The restaurant will now be known as “La Iglesias de la Ventanita.”

Since its opening in 1971, Versailles has been the heart of Miami’s Cuban community and a place of holy refuge during crucial moments in Cuban-American history, including the Elian Gonzales incident and the Café Bustelo shortage of 1995, which claimed 6 lives. The decision to recognize the restaurant as a designated house of worship was instigated when an IRS official reviewed tape of the celebration outside of the restaurant following the death of Fidel Castro. “We saw an entire community come together at a central location to praise god,” said an IRS representative. “If that isn’t a church then I don’t know what is.”

The newly minted church will hold its first service on Monday, with a special benediction by Padre Alberto Cutié and entertainment from an elderly Celia Cruz impersonator who will just scream “Azucar!” over and over and that’s it.

Upon their arrival, congregants will be asked to anoint themselves with a mixture of Royal Violet baby cologne, Fabuloso, and Vick’s Vapor Rub before reciting a selection of traditional prayers such as “Sana Sana Colita de Rana”, “Elian, Amigo, Miami Estas Con Tigo”, and “Mata Fidel” in their traditional Spanglish. Following prayers, the Church will offer sacraments in the form of Cafecitos to represent the caffeinated blood of Christ and Pastelitos (in either Guayaba, Queso, or Carne) to represent the savior’s sweet, cheesy, or meaty body.

The Plantain spoke to self-proclaimed church representative, some random old man who acts like he owns the place, about the church’s membership policy. “The Church will not discriminate against anyone,” said the man, who explained that Versailles will, as it has always, “continue to welcome all Cubans and Presidential candidates, and absolutely no one else.”

By Ariel Huguet

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when there’s a murderer loose in South Beach and the MacArthur is completely backed up?

That’s the question audiences will be asking themselves when the long-awaited third installment to the Bad Boys series debuts in theaters later this year. In a portion of the script leaked to the Plantain by a grabby Club Madonna stripper, Detectives Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) are in hot pursuit of notorious drug dealer and murderous bad guy hiding out at a South Point safe house. Unfortunately for our heroes, it’s 7 PM on a Saturday night so traffic on the MacArthur is just fucked and the duo has no choice but to spend the entire runtime of the movie inching their way across the Causeway while listening to Power 106.

Read the Leaked Script here:

Bad Boys III: Bad Boys Figh… by on Scribd

After leaving his home this morning and seeing his shadow, meteorologist and total DILF Bryan Norcross is predicting an additional six weeks of hurricane season.

“Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, I fucking hate this place,” said 5-year-old Coconut Grove resident Sadie-Lynn Harper Madison Tores. “Do you know how bad it is on my nerves to have to constantly prepare to maybe die in a hurricane every year?” the kindergartner asked while on a smoke break. ” Now I gotta live through six more weeks of it? Man, fuck you Bryan Norcross.”

The Plantain reached out to Mr. Norcross for comment, to which the smoking hot 68-year-old told us that he doesn’t make the weather, he just calls it as he sees it.