President Donald Trump reportedly sought the advice of former pro baseball player Alexander Rodriguez on how to best handle the coronavirus outbreak and also how to get fuckin’ ripped fast.
Mr. Trump admitted in an exclusive interview with The Plantain that he has known Alex since his days as a Yankee, noting that they used to “bang the same broads if you know what I mean.” We told him we understood, but he still elaborated. “We used to have sex with the same models, you know?” We told him we got it, but he still went on, “but they weren’t all models. I mean, they all could have been models. The women we would bang. But they weren’t all professional models–“. This explanation went on for some time before we interrupted to ask about the contents of his call with the baseball player.
“Right–Well, when I was, you know, having sex with these beautiful women, I would ask them who had the better body, me or Alex Rodriguez. They would say I did, but deep down I knew they might be not telling the truth because at the time he was a professional athlete at the prime of his career and I was a 63-year-old reality TV star who lived on filet of fish sandwiches and diet cokes.”
It was at this point when the President stopped talking. “Mr. President, are you there?” I asked.
“What, oh…yeah. What were you asking me about?”
“Why you had a call with Alex Rodriguez.”
“Oh, right. So I would be having sex with these models–“
“You said that part already.”
“Oh, right. So anyway, I was always aware of Alex’s body so I figured I want to look tough on TV so if coronavirus is watching it is intimidated and maybe decides it doesn’t want to fight a strong, muscular man like me, so I call Alex and asked him if there was something I could take that would let me have a body like his. Not his body now, which, let’s be frank is a bit doughy, but his body 15 years ago when we would bang the same broads, meaning have sex.”
After taking all that in, I asked the President if Alex had been of any help, to which the President said he was extremely helpful and offered to introduce him to an unlicensed Hialeah-based physician who could “hook [the President] up with some really great, really strong roids.” I asked whether he thought it was appropriate for the President of the United States to take illegal medications from an unlicensed doctor, to which the President called me a pussy and explained that “this guy gets all the best medicines, no questions asked.” He went on to say that Arod told him this “doctor” was “the best” and that based on that recommendation he was considering having him replace Dr. Anthony Fauci at the National Institute of Health, whom the President said was “too small” to intimidate Coronavirus.
The Plantain reached out to Alex Rodriguez for comment, but upon learning that we would be recording the conversation he hung up and had his lawyer send us a cease and desist letter.