It was 29 years ago this week that Hurricane Andrew touched down in South Florida, leaving a wake of destruction in his path that impacted a generation of South Floridians. “Andrew was one of the most important moments in South Florida’s history,” said your friend’s mother unsolicited on Facebook.

But 29 years later, Andrew has retreated from the spotlight and is no longer the powerful storm of his youth. Now, the embattled gale finds himself in a tropical depression after years of missed opportunities and poor decisions.

In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Hurricane Andrew detailed his journey from a once great windstorm, heralded by many as the “Storm of the Century”, to an unemployed and highly disorganized storm system living back in his childhood bedroom.

“After I hit it big in Miami in 1992, I decided to test my luck and move in a north-westerly direction toward Louisianna with the ultimate forecast of reaching New York,” said Andrew. “I never came close.”

“Andrew makes a mess out of everything in his path,” said his father, Dr. Lawrence Appelbaum. “I told him he would never make it to New York. But he went anyway and ended up calling me and his mother a few days later to pick him up from Tennessee. When we arrived he was covered in blow and in hysterics. He’s been living here ever since.”

Hurricane Andrew says he is uninterested in following his father’s career in orthopedics, or pursuing any career for that matter. “It’s not like I can just go and get a normal job at CVS or something. I’m Hurricane Andrew, everyone knows that. It would be humiliating if somebody saw me bagging groceries or working in a hospital or something,” said the storm. “I just need to focus on myself a little more before I’m ready to make a comeback and move out.”

Although he maintains he is not prepared to join the workforce, Hurricane Andrew acknowledged the strain that his lifestyle has put on his relationship with his father. “We’ve grown pretty distant, sure, but I know he loves me. I guess I just wish I felt he loved me for something besides just being his son.”

When asked to respond, Dr. Appelbaum was dismissive of his son’s concerns, noting the large amounts of money he has spent on him over the last two decades and suggesting that his son earn his love and respect by working toward building a future for himself.”He was a category 5! A 5! Now what is he? He’s nothing.”

“Andrew has no ambition. None whatsoever,” continued his father. “Not like his sister Sandy, who made landfall in NY where she was accepted to Julliard to study dance. Now she’s married to a congressional staffer from Far Rockaway,” said Dr. Appelbaum with aplomb. “They wrote about their engagement in the New York Times!” he gushed.

“I know some will look at me and think I’ve wasted a good opportunity,” said Hurricane Andrew. “Maybe I have. But I’m going to get back on my feet. I know it.”

When asked where he saw himself in the future, the once great storm smirked to himself before answering: “Anywhere the wind blows.”

The Plantain has confirmed that Disney’s Animated Studio has purchased the rights to adapt the 2006 documentary “Cocaine Cowboys” into an animated television show. The show will reportedly be geared at 5-10 year old children and feature such educational lessons as how to convert units of measurements into the metric system and the importance of not being a fucking snitch. Cocaine Cowboys tells the bloody backstory of Miami’s 1980’s cocaine trade. The seminal Miami movie was created by local filmmaker Billy Corben and his partner, a fictitious individual created for tax purposes supposedly named “Alfred Spellman.”

“They say LA is where you go when you want to be somebody, New York is where you go when you are somebody, and Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else,” said Mr. Corben without prompt.

The animated series, set to debut on Disney+‘S TikTok account, will focus on real-life Cocaine Cowboy Mickey Monday, portrayed by Mickey Mouse, as he navigates the animated world of 1980’s Miami from his club house at the Mutiny Club. They Might Be Giants has signed on to write the theme song.

When asked to respond to critics that the violent subject matter of his documentary is inappropriate fodder for a children’s television show, the filmmaker and star of the 1993 Alan Thicke vehicle “Stepmonster” informed the Plantain that LA is where you go when you want to be somebody, New York is where you go when you are somebody, and Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else before throwing half an orange at the head of a passing Jose Javier Rodriguez

Speaking from his favorite Hooters, Governor Ron DeSantis signed an emergency order banning all hurricane shutters throughout South Florida until the end of hurricane season.

“Just leave your windows open! What’s the worst that could happen? Your stuff will get wet? So what?” said the Governor before flagging down a waitress and asking for some more ranch. “Things get wet all the time.”

The shutter ban comes amid increased storm activity in the Atlantic and during a time when experts warn a tropical storm is imminent.

“This is so irresponsible, doesn’t he realize people’s stuff will get wet if they don’t close their windows?” said Democratic Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Fried in three consecutive fundraising emails sent by her campaign back-to-back. “If you ask me, we need to start shuttering our windows regardless of the weather outside,” she said in her emails before asking for a $5.00 donation to fight back against Trumpism in Florida.

The University of Miami School of Law has committed to educating its students on the risks of taking on too much student debt and will offer incoming 1Ls the opportunity to enroll in its new joint JD/LLM program specializing in student debt law. Tuition for the four-year program is $250,000 and will provide graduates with a working knowledge of the non-dischargeable debt provisions of the U.S. bankruptcy code and prepare them for a career as a fucking contract attorney making $38k a year for some insurance coverage firm in Coral Gables.

“We have a responsibility to train these students in the art of the law, by which I mean how to cover a $900/month student loan payment for the rest of their life,” said the School’s recently fired Dean as he begged for change outside the Coral Gables Taco Rico. “UM offers a highly regarded legal education and this new joint program will only add to its–hey if you’re going to throw away that guac can I have it?”

“A law degree is such a like versatile degree,” said incoming 1L Melissa Basques who enrolled in the new JD/LLM program by taking out $250,000 in loans to cover the tuition on top of $140,000 in private loans to cover the costs of living in Miami for four years without an income. When asked whether she was concerned about taking on nearly $400K in debt and if she considered whether taking on this financial burden would impact her ability to get married, have kids, own a house, or change careers at any point in her life, the 22-year-old Akron, Ohio native said she was not. “People who work at Skadden Arps make $205,000 right out of law school, I’m going to pay off this debt in no time.”

The Plantain reached out to Skadden Arps and asked what a UM law student needed to do to secure one of its highly selective associate positions. “Transfer to Harvard after your first year,” said Hiring Manager Hubert J. Cockface before hanging up and sending me a bill for, what the fuck, $1,400 an hour!

By Joshua P. Lager
UM Law J.D. 2013
$274,993 in debt.

“I hate those police!” said a 75-year-old man outside of Versailles.

“You hate the police?” said 15 City of Miami police officers just standing in the parking lot in uniform all day every day.

“NO! I hate THOSE police…in Cuba!” said the old man. “Blue lives matter,” he said as he started to peel the black, white, and blue logo from the bumper of his DeVille. “Just not Azul lives, you know?”

Versailles unveiled a uniquely Cuban take on the popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, a “Mamey Spice Latte“, which owner King Louis XIV of France believes will attract a younger and more diverse group of customers to Miami’s landmark restaurant.”We were terribly upset by the recent real report that Miami was only ranked the eight best coffee city in the Country by ~~The New York Times~~ Wallethub.com, falling behind well known coffee shit holes like Washington D.C. and Chicago,” said Louis XIV. “We realized that Miami’s problem isn’t that the coffee is bad, it’s that unless you are one of the elderly cigar smoking men who stand outside of our ventanitas all day to discuss right wing politics and comment on the bodies of every woman who approaches, the Miami coffee experience isn’t very friendly.”

In an effort to create a more inclusive coffee culture, Versailles will redesign its building to create a separate female ventanita, a third coffee window for English speaking tourists, and a fourth window for people asking directions to the nearest Starbucks. They will also be offering free wi-fi (although most websites will be blocked) and several new menu items designed to attract younger coffee enthusiasts, such as the Mamey Spice Latte and the Cafe Con Almond Milk.

“The Mamey Spice Latte was fantastic,” said tourist Becky Wiltowner of Grand Rapids Michigan. The 22 year old said that she was drawn to Versailles because she was looking for an authentic Cuban experience while in Miami, “but not like too authentic, you know.”

According to Louis XIV, the effort to modernize Versailles seems to be paying off, but not everyone is happy. “This is a disgrace,” said 83-year-old Ernesto Santiago through a plume of cigar smoke, who, although angered that his beloved cafeteria is changing, noted positively that many of the young ladies attracted to Versailles by the new menu were very attractive.

“Mira ese culo,” said the octogenarian to himself as he sighed to himself, appreciating the passage of time.

The Plantain has confirmed that Michigan tourists Dennis and Julia Redgrave are safe and have been returned to their hotel after a day of attending the Calle Ocho Festival in Little Havana.

The couple was in South Florida for the weekend and had planned to explore Miami before leaving for a cruise to Haiti, St. Barts, and the Bahamas on Monday. “We looked up things to do in Miami and thought the Calle Ocho Festival looked real fun,” said Dennis. “The only problem is the website didn’t say what street it was on!”

The Michiganders spent most of the morning trying to find the festival, a task that took longer than anticipated after Dennis asked several locals for directions and was either just shrugged at or purposefully given incorrect directions.  After several hours, and an inadvertent trip to Hialeah, the couple reached Eighth Street and even found parking after they paid a few children $40 to park in what they said was their parents’ lawn.

After several minutes of trying on hats, awkwardly dancing to La Vida Es Un Carnaval, and avoiding plumes of cigar smoke from very short men, the couple became separated from each other after Dennis was lured into what he thought was a friendly domino game and Julia accidentally enrolled herself in the festival’s croquette eating competition.

“I thought it would be fun, but I guess the competitive spirit got the best of me,” said Julia, a type 2-diabetic who became briefly comatose after devouring 91 ham croquettes in 8 minutes to take home the women’s eating title.  As she sat unconscious on the floor, her husband was losing the keys to his rental car, several thousand dollars in traveler’s checks, and the new hat he just bought to a group of 80-year-old domino sharks.

After awakening from her stupor to find that her shoes had been stolen, a barefooted Julia tracked down Dennis and traded the $30 Valsan gift certificate she won for eating over 16,000 calories worth of croquettes to an on-duty cop in exchange for him calling an ambulance to take the occasionally still convulsing woman to the hospital for observation. 

After several hours of observation, Ms. Redgrave was released. The 64-year-old retiree said she and her husband have canceled their cruise and plan to return to Michigan as soon as possible for some much-needed rest.

“She lucky to be alive,” said Julia’s physician Dr. Norman Babo.  “It isn’t safe for a Midwesterner to eat that many croquetas. Or anyone, for that matter.”

“We need to support a free Cuba,” said Republican Governor Ron DeSantis to his wife before climbing into bed with her.

“What, Ronnie?” his wife asked as she rubbed the back of his neck.

“Sorry, babe. Force of habit. I just had a heck of a day what with all those Cubans in Miami rioting on the street. I had to repeal my new anti-riot bill just so those fuckers wouldn’t get arrested–“

“Ronald Dion DeSantis! Watch your language! The lord is listening.”

“Sorry. I’ll put a nickel in the swear jar tomorrow. It’s just so dang hard being Governor of Florida,” Ron said as he looked into his wife’s eyes.

“I know it is,” she replied as she brought his hand to her lip for a gentle kiss. At that moment, the stress of the day went away and Governor Ron DeSantis remembered what was really important in life.

“I love you, Sugarbee. But enough of about me. How was your day?” the Governor asked his wife who went into a long story about her sister or something. After twenty minutes and the conclusion that Governor DeSantis’s sister-in-law was being a real “see you next Tuesday”, the couple kissed again and went to sleep in each other’s arms as they have every night for the last 11 years.

As Governor DeSantis slept he dreamed that thousands of Floridians had taken to the streets to demand an end to Government oppression. As they chanted in unison they took over freeways. They broke the windows of businesses. They demanded change. In the dream, Governor DeSantis was tasked with responding to the angry crowd, but no matter how close he got, as he approached the protestors he couldn’t make out what they wanted. Were they African Americans wanting an end to police violence? White people wanting to brunch without masks? Hispanic dreamers wanting to remain in their home? Or the good kind of Hispanics wanting Cuba to be free? He couldn’t tell, but nevertheless, dream DeSantis needed to make a choice. Were these criminals or patriots? Was this a protest or a riot?

“You need to tell us what to do!” yelled a police officer in the dream who was also Sasha Velour from Season 9 of Ru Paul’s Drag Race (one of the DeSantis family’s guilty pleasures). As the crowd of protestors approached a line of police officers with their guns drawn, the cops looked at the Governor for direction.

“Don’t be a pussy, Ronald!” said Officer Sasha Velour, who was also now Ron DeSantis’s father. “Don’t be a pussy, Ronald. Make a decision. Are these protestors or rioters? What is your choice!” Officer Sasha Velour DeSantis screamed.

“I don’t know! I don’t know, daddy. I don’t know what to do I just want you to be proud of me–I just want to make you proud.” Dream Ron screamed before being jostled awake.

“Ronnie! Ronnie! It’s okay it’s only a dream,” his wife said calmly as she caressed his waking head.

“Are you okay, Ronnie?”

Governor Ron DeSantis paused for a moment and looked deep into his wife’s loving eyes. As he did he tried to remember the dream but the details faded from his consciousness quickly. Something about Sasha Velour walking along the highway? It didn’t matter.

“Oh, I’m okay, Sugarbee,” he said to his wife. “Can we just lie here for a minute? It’s going to be another stressful day at work.”

“Of course we can, Ronnie,” his wife said as she put her head on her husband’s chest and started bringing up her sister’s bullshit again.

Thirty-something Miami-Beach resident Gabriel Santos and his neighbors at the Feltch Condominium Tower in Miami Beach were relieved when they were told that their building–originally constructed in 1972–was, while poorly maintained and criminally overpriced, not structurally unsafe.

After what happened in Surfside I think everyone who lives in a dilapidated coastal building that was constructed with laundered coke-trade money became concerned about their safety. But apparently the building inspector our condo association President hired said we’re cool and to just not worry about those cracks in the garage because they’re probably nothing.”

“Well, those cracks are probably nothing,” said building inspector Martin Perez of Martin Perez Discount Building Inspection and Insurance Adjustment as he counted the $49.99 paid to him in cash by Feltch Condo Association President, Maryanne Watkins-Smith. When asked by the Plantain how Ms. Watkinks-Smith found Mr. Perez she said he came very highly recommended on Groupon and was the only building inspector she could find who could give her an opinion over the phone. When asked if she had received any conflicting reports about the building’s safety the 58-year-old widow told me she couldn’t say on advice of counsel.

“Listen, Feltch Towers is a wonderful building and Mr. Perez’s report certifying the building’s safety,” added Ms. Watkins-Smith referring to the text she received from Mr. Perez of a house emoji next to a happy face, “proves that the building is perfectly safe and can stand for another 50 years without the need for a fucking assessment that no one in the building is going to support.”

“So you really feel safe in your home even after what just happened in Surfside?” I asked Ms. Watkins-Smith. “Oh, of course I do, the building is a wonderful place to live,” said the condo association president from her daughter’s home in Boca before asking if I was pre-qualified and sending me the 1.6 million dollar Zillow listing for her 1400 square foot apartment.

Greetings! My name is Corey Jacobson and I am the Plantain’s new food critic covering the Miami Metropolitan Area. I am a recent transplant from SF (Editor’s Note: “San Francisco”) and just moved to Miami (Editor’s Note: “Pompano Beach”) last week. As a Miamian now I take great pride in eating at local restaurants that showcase Miami’s (Editor’s Note: Broward or maybe West Palm…I don’t really know where the line is) diverse (Editor’s Note: White) LatinX (Editor’s Note: Very White) flavors.

Mi Amor (Editor’s Note: Oh god), if you are looking for great LatinX flavors (Editor’s Note: He’s my wife’s cousin and his wife left him after he got laid off. You see why I had to hire him, right?) you need to look no further than the Chili’s on State Road 7 in Parkland in Miami (Editor’s Note: That’s not even in Parkland! That’s in Boca in Miami!) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: I mean Boca in not Miami). Now as we all know, chilies are a traditional LatinX food, and Chili’s in Parkland (Editor’s Note: Boca) delivers on those muy caliente traditional diverse flavors we all expected when we moved from the Bay to Miami. (Editor’s Note: Fuck this guy). The menu is full of authentic Latinx staples such as potato skins, sliders, mozzarella sticks, and my favorite: the Latinx Quinoa bowl with corn, edamame, and what I thought was a mole sauce at first but actually was just balsamic dressing. Yum!

I know what you’re thinking: Will I be able to order at the Chili’s in Parkland (Editor’s Note: Boca) if I don’t habla Spanish? Emphatically yes! I was pleasantly surprised when what I assume is my LatinX waitress Makenzie spoke near-perfect English. (Editor’s Note: No LatinX has ever been named Makenzie) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: I’m sorry I used LatinX. I don’t know what the rules are anymore). In fact, when I was there, alone since my wife left me at the start of the pandemic for someone who made her feel “like more than a fucking doormat”, I found that Makenzie and I really started to hit it off. She is a student at a University in Miami (Editor’s Note: She goes to FAU) with an undeclared major and showed me the type of basic human attention I found I really respond to as a lonely man and have no choice but to interpret as sexual interest. (Editor’s Note: She works for tips).

As I finished up my meal with a traditional LatinX dessert of a chocolate lava cake topped with deep-fried onions, I asked Makenzie whether I could have her number because I thought we shared a real connection. She told me that I was old enough to be her father and that she was just being nice and asked me whether I wanted to buy some molly. (Editor’s Note: Aw, pal). Slightly embarrassed I agreed and bought some pills from her boyfriend “T” who seems like a real swell guy who makes what I assume is a nice living selling drugs from the parking lot of the Parkland (Editor’s Note: Boca) Chili’s because he had a pretty supped-up Accord (Editor’s Note: Those aren’t even that expensive).

Anyway, for a great and healthy LatinX meal go to Chili’s and order the quinoa! And look, I’m trying to put myself out there so if you know anyone who might be interested in going on a date with a hip 40-something Miami local (Editor’s Note: Pompano Beach) please send me a message on LinkedIn.

Editor’s Note: I know. I should fire Corey because this article is total shit but he’s family and going through a lot and gave me the $250 worth of Molly he bought from T.