As the nation mourns the victims of the El Paso shooting, the National Rifle Association has agreed to pray really, really hard for the victims and their families. The concession from the pro-gun lobby was made in reaction to renewed calls to enact regulations that could have prevented Patrick Crusius from obtaining the gun he used to slaughter 20 victims Saturday morning.

Sensing a changing political tide, the NRA has vowed to respond more seriously to mass shootings than it has done in the past, promising in a press release to “really pray our asses off this time” and to even “light a candle or two for those victims and their families.”

“It’s the least we could do,” said NRA spokesperson Bradford Penniston. “Literally.”

The NRA has also agreed to allocate $2,500 from its budget to send bouquets of flowers to the families of the slain victims, as well as $4,000,000 to spend on lobbyists and political donations to make sure every proposed common-sense gun regulation is blocked.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article has been posted after each major mass shooting that occurred since 2016, including Orlando, Charleston, and MSD. All that has changed is the city, the number of victims, and name of the shooter. In each case, we have received messages that this article is “too soon” and in poor taste. We disagree. We think it’s in poor taste that people can’t leave their house without worrying about getting murdered. If you are offended by this article, I encourage you to, respectfully, suck a dick, dumbshits.


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Your Abuela swears he sees the future. But who is Walter Mercado and how can you succinctly explain him to your sorority sisters before they come over for Noche Buena?

Here are some quick answers you can give to Rebecca and Hillary so they don’t make a fool of themselves by confusing him with Rue from the Golden Girls when they see your Abuela watching VHSs of his show she has had since the 80s.

Who is Walter Mercado?
Walter Mercado is a TV astrologer who owns a lot of capes. He has been on TV since it was invented and can predict the future in a vague sort of way.

What is an Astrologer?
An astrologer is, generally speaking, a con-artist. Not to be confused with an “astronomer,” which is a scientist. Neil Degrasse Tyson is an astronomer, but that lady who your Tia Larissa gives $40 to once every month that told her to break up with her boyfriend is an astrologer.

So Walter Mercado is a con-artist?
You shut your mouth. Walter Mercado is a national treasure who has brought untold joy and entertainment to Cuban matriarchs for more than 50 years.

Oh okay, so your grandma likes him because he is Cuban?
No, Walter Mercado is a proud Puerto Rican. But every Spanish speaking country has basically claimed him as their own, so you’re sort of right. 

Are you sure he isn’t one of the Golden Girls?
Pretty sure, but I wouldn’t want to bet money on it.  

Con mucho, mucho amor. 

What’s that mean? Why do you guys eat so much pork? Your cousin just gave me his number, but like isn’t that his girlfriend in the corner?

Just go with it, Hillary.  

For more information about Walter Mercado, HistoryMiami is hosting an exhibit on his life and career throughout the month of August.

Mucho, Mucho Amor: 50 Years of Walter Mercado

 

 

By Jasmine Perez-Santiago

Newlyweds Desmond and Molly Jones were dismayed to arrive at the beachfront vacation rental they booked on Airbnb to discover it was really just a discarded mattress abutting the shore.

“The amenities aren’t what we expected, but you really can’t beat this view,” said Desmond to his wife, desperately trying to put a positive spin on the situation. “Don’t you dare, Des!” said Molly, who begged her husband to spend the extra money on the honeymoon suite at the Setai. As she began to loudly cry she woke the homeless man already sleeping on the mattress. “Get the fuck out of my home!” yelled the man at the couple before falling back asleep.

Desperate to find alternative accommodations, the Columbus, Ohio couple ordered an Uber but were similarly disappointed to find that the 2015 Toyota Camry that they had expected to show up was actually an old white Econoline mini-van driven by an elderly Cuban man listening to Justin Bieber too loudly.

“Can you turn it down!” yelled Desmond to the driver who just ignored him. “I don’t think he speaks English,” he told his wife, who couldn’t even anymore.

After being turned away from several luxury hotels without vacancies on South Beach, the couple was told by Xavier Hernandes, a valet at the Fontainebleau who overheard their fight, that his parents in Hialeah rented their place on Airbnb and could accommodate. “Hialeah is beautiful, you’ll love it,” said the valet. “See honey, things are going to work out,” smiled Desmond to his wife who at this point just wanted to go home and rethink some things.

After waiting for Xavier to get off of his shift, the 20-year-old drove the couple to his parent’s rental property, which unbeknownst to the Midwestern couple was actually just several discarded couches lining a street of row houses.

“What the fuck, Desmond! This isn’t the honeymoon I imagined!” said Molly, breaking down. “I’m not sleeping out here, it isn’t safe! And these couches are covered with chickens!”

“Look, do you think this is what I wanted? I am trying my hardest to make this work.”

“Well, maybe this just isn’t…supposed to work.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I just…maybe this is a sign, Des. If we can’t even do a honeymoon right, maybe it’s stupid for us to think we can actually build a life together.”

“Are you serious?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe we rushed into this.”

“Babe, it’s just, it’s just a mix-up. We’ll laugh about this one day,” said Desmond, tears forming in his eyes.

“I hope so, but I need to get back to Ohio to think about it,” said Molly as she ordered another Uber to take her back to the airport.

“Don’t do this, Molly,” said Desmond to his new wife as she got into what she was told would be a 2016 Prius but was actually a wooden rickshaw driven by a worldly Rastafarian type.

As Desmond watched his wife ride away Xavier returned from inside his house. “Hey man, your room is ready.”

“What do you mean? You said we had to sleep on these discarded couches,” said Desmond.

“Bro, I was just fuckin’ with you. We got a queen bed for you inside and in the morning my Abuela will make you breakfast. Hey, where’d your girl go?”

By Milo

Since it’s opening in 1971, Disney World has been the destination of choice for children across the country and a surefire way for parents to create lasting memories with their family. But with the cost  of a single-day’s entry now well over $100.00 per person and a youth population dispassionate about Disney’s antiquated brand of wholesome, non-virtual entertainment, the Park has been forced to cater to a once-fringe group of visitors: Nostalgic adult couples without children.

“For years we tolerated, but never really encouraged, adults without children to visit our parks. In truth, we were always very suspicious about the 20 and 30-somethings who wanted to walk around a theme park designed to entertain 5-year-olds. But now, god-bless-them, those millennial yuppies make up more than half of our daily visitors,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “We’re working very hard to make sure these adult visitors have an enjoyable experience and continue to come back to our parks.”

Disney has several new attractions in the works that it believes will appeal to nostalgic millennials, including reviving several “retro” attractions like the perpetually dull Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and Figment’s Journey into Imagination. The Park has also entered into licensing agreements with non-Disney owned movie studios to create new attractions for its childless visitors, including a Wes Anderson inspired Christmas parade titled “The Royal Tenenbaum’s Tannenbaum” and a Donnie Darko themed space-time adventure called “Donnie Darko’s Cellar Door”. The Park will also completely replace Adventureland with a new themed area called “Portland.” 

“I have so many great memories of coming to Disney World as a kid,” said 31-year-old season ticket holder Dr. Elise Hodgmen as she and her husband waited in a two-hour line at the Magic Kingdom’s new Craft Beer Pavilion. “I just wish there weren’t so many children around,”  said the Miami-based medical records specialist after witnessing a nearby 6-year-old cry in fear from meeting a Disney employee dressed as “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski. “Uch, can’t its parents shut it up?” whispered Dr. Hodgmen to her husband. “I’d cry too if my parents put me on a leash,” he answered.

Responding to demands from couples like the Hodgmens, Disney will begin implementing age restricted weekends with the hope of attracting more childless visitors to its parks. “Today’s young adults are really uncomfortable around children. We want to eliminate that as a reason not to enjoy our timeless brand of childhood entertainment,” said Mr. Iger.

The Plantain interviewed 10-year-old twins Kevin and Melissa Dubrow as they left the Magic Kingdom with their parents and asked whether they enjoyed themselves or were upset about the Park’s planned age-restrictions. “Our parents really over-hyped this place,” said Kevin listlessly. “It’s was really hot and crowded and took like two hours to get on each ride. We were here all day and only got to go on like 3 things.”

“Yeah, and the reception inside the Park was really terrible,” added Melissa without looking up from her phone, unaware of the sadness on her parents’ faces, both of whom had a great day and couldn’t wait to come back without the kids.

The Plantain has learned that David Wilkinson, 28 years old, was othered and told to “go back to your country” by patrons at a Little Havana La Carreta as he tried to order a ham sandwich, french fries, and a “pop” in English.

“But this is America!” said Mr. Wilkinson of Broward County. “They should speak English and go back to THEIR country.”

“No, this is Miami, you should go back to YOUR country,” said Eduardo Santos, 58, after hearing Mr. Wilkinson English food order and racist frustration.

The two went back and forth like this for about twenty minutes, each pulling out their cell phones and promising each other that they would be very embarrassed once the video went viral.

“This is exactly why Trump was elected!” said Mr. Wilkinson to Mr. Santos. “Exactly,” said Mr. Santos, to a confused Mr. Wilkinson.

“I love Trump,” said the elderly Cuban man.

“Me too,” said the white dude from Broward.

“I guess we have more in common than we think,” Mr. Wilkinson said to Santos, remembering that somehow the Cuban community overwhelmingly supports Donald Trump which makes no fucking sense.

“I guess we do,” said Mr. Wilkinson, before asking Mr. Santos to help him order the ham sandwich from the waitress who was just texting on her phone during their entire stupid fight.

In a tale seemingly ripped from American legend, Ricardo Dos Santos awoke Tuesday from a coma that lasted three-decades-long to discover that he still can’t easily travel to the Beach. It was the summer of 1988 when Mr. Dos Santos was taken into intensive care after a cocaine-filled night and subsequent overdose forced doctors to place him into a medically induced coma.

As you can imagine adjusting to life after missing so much time has been very difficult for Mr. Dos Santos. “I feel like I have been cheated,” he says without provocation.

Despite his predicament, his outlook has been overwhelmingly positive and hopeful albeit with one caveat. “I tell you Miami has changed in so many ways for the better. We’ve got museums now, art festivals, great new restaurants, but the Metro Rail still doesn’t connect to the beach? That’s fucking retarded.” declared Mr. Dos Santos who is still not accustomed to contemporary sensibilities about differently-abled people.

The medical staff at Mercy Hospital have adopted a delicate approach to reintegrating Mr. Dos Santos to society. “We try to take things slowly, only giving him a few hours of TV a day while we rehabilitate his body and mind,” said nurse Carmen Meneses. “We also make sure not to get him started talking about that train.”
“Miami is one of the most exciting and beautiful cities in the world,” said Dos Santos, now 71 years old, “It breaks my heart that I never got to see my children grow up, that I had so much of my life taken away from me. But what really me pica los cojones es que el Metro Rail is such utter bullshit.”

Maria Dos Santos the daughter of Ricardo Dos Santos, age 42, dreams of what could have been. “I never thought he would wake up. I learned to live without him.” However, despite the loss of time with her father, it is evident the apple does not fall far from the tree. “But you know, I learned to live in Miami without competent mass transit too. So I guess in that way we are all survivors.”
Doctors have assured the Dos Santos family that Ricardo’s health should continue to improve, however, his opinion of Miami transit may never improve. “So what you connected it to the airport!? Do you want a fucking medal? There are only two places tourists come to when they visit Miami, the airport, and the beach, and you only can get to one of them! Someone should be shot.”

In the suburbs of Coconut Grove, 17-year-old Ethan Dwyer is contemplating life on the cusp of adulthood and wondering if there is more to it than one day being identified as “Florida Man.”

A pejorative distinction in American society, the term “Florida Man” has become synonymous with the type of preternaturally bizarre behavior displayed by the State’s most inept, and often highest, residents.

Florida Man Hiding from Police in Canal Loses Arm to Alligator

Florida Man Covers Himself in Ashes, Says He’s a 400-year-old Indian, Crashes Stolen Car

Florida Man Tries to Steal Python, Puts it Down His Pants

“I just don’t know if this is something I want for my life,” said Ethan after coming to the horrifying realization while sitting in his AP Philosophy class that soon, he too, would be a “Florida Man.”

“We were learning about what Seneca said about The Shortness of Life and about Nietzsche’s Will to Power, and it struck me: Maybe I didn’t need to be a “Florida Man” after all. I could just leave.”

But the decision is not an easy one, Ethan admits. “I’ll be the first to concede that Florida is kind of gross, but it is still home and will always be part of me. I would miss it if I left.”

Ethan’s father, Dr. Harold P. Dwyer, is insistent that his son leave the state after he graduates high-school.

“The last thing I want for my son is for him to have to call himself a Floridian,” Dr. Dwyer said while thumbing through the latest copy of The National Review. “Nothing but meth heads, snake people, and hurricanes around here,” said the Boston native who moved his family to Florida 5-years ago and has watched with horror as Ethan started to adopt what Dr. Dwyer considers to be “Floridian traits.”

“When we first moved from Massachusetts, Ethan was a perfectly normal boy. But being exposed to over 5-years of Florida rubs off on a kid,” said Dr. Dwyer with remorse. “At first I ignored Ethan’s insistence on wearing cargo shorts and his affinity toward rap-metal, but when he asked us to buy him a snake I knew he was in real danger of becoming a “Florida Man”. He needs to get out before its too late.”

“I guess I’ll buy some skinny jeans and try to move somewhere with a lot of culture like Brooklyn or Portland,” Ethan said while staring dejectedly at his newsfeed. “Maybe then I’ll be the type of cultured intellectual my dad wants me to be.”

Meanwhile, 17-year-old Antoine Jackson of Liberty City wonders if there is more to his existence than hoping that the police never confront him or his loved ones about anything ever.

A report by me, looking around Ceviche 105 right now, confirms that 97% of white diners in Peruvian restaurants will order the Lomo Saltado.”Easy access to foreign flavors is just one of the reasons why I love Miami,” said 33-year-old architect David Johnson as he confidently ordered his meal of steak, french fries and rice after feigning interest in the restaurant’s many authentic Peruvian specials.
“Oh, I had octopus last night,” he lied to the waitress. “I’ll have the lomo saltado, por favor.”
The Plantain spoke to Javier Ortiz-Saperstein-Smith, a recently laid off employee with Miami-Dade County’s economic development office, who confirmed that together with Cuban shredded beef staple Vaca Frita, the Lomo Saltado make up roughly 65% of Miami-Dade County’s total hospitality revenue.
“White guys really love beef, rice, and french fries,” said Mr. Ortiz-Saperstein-Smith, who noted that he personally believes that mixing rice and french fries is too starch heavy. He isn’t wrong.

Florida voters have passed Amendment 41, which calls for the bulldozing of the entire city of Kendall to make way for a Dolphin Mall expansion. Florida polls outside of Kendall came in unanimously in favor of the bulldozing.

“I didn’t even know it was on the ballot,” said Kendall native Miguel Gonzalez. Once the bulldozing amendment passed, Kendall residents were informed they would have 30 days to evacuate their residence before the home was flattened. This elicited mixed emotions across the community.

“Since my kids already spend most of their time at the mall, I think this will actually bring our family closer together,” said future former absentee George Levinson. City Commissioner Joe Martinez has ensured the current residents of Kendall that there are positives to all their homes being bulldozed.

“Kendall will be underwater by the year 2050. Your great grandkids will be thanking us,” said Martinez, who owns two homes on Miami Beach.

The new mall will have some fresh additions such as an experimental food court. The experimental food court will feature tastes foreign to Miami such as an Indian-Antarctician fusion restaurant that serves a nitrous aroma you taste by soaking in through your pores and an Arby’s.

The mall expansion will cover 16 square miles and have one additional parking spot.

“I have yet to decide whether the additional parking spot will be public or valet,” said head architect of the expansion, Vladimir Pauo. “I can confirm there will also be an additional parking garage on the property. However, the parking garage is a work of art meant to symbolize society and will be closed off to vehicles.”

The overall expansion is so massive that Sherpas were flown in from Nepal to help guide future visitors through the mall’s long passageways. Unfortunately, most of the Sherpas accepted retail clothing jobs once they realized their gritty mountain style aligned with Urban Outfitter’s fall fashion line.

The new mall is expected to turn a huge profit when it officially opens in the spring of 2251. Making it a no brainer decision for the investment group funding the project.

By Kyle Rambo

Miami Heat’s longtime mascot, Burnie, a horrific anthropomorphic representation of a muppet on fire or something, has been traded to the Milwaukee Bucks for a pair of future second round draft picks. The trade knocks nearly $13/hr off of the Heat’s salary cap and is part of an ongoing effort to rebuild the Heat into a losing franchise.

“Oh, we’re gonna miss Burnie next year,” said Center Hasan Whiteside before learning he would be traded to Portland. “DRAGIC SAD!” screamed guard Goran Dragic in some random Slavic accent before he was also forcibly removed from the roster. “We’re going to miss Burnie, but we think this is the best for the franchise and the Heat family,” said President Pat Reilly while standing in front of a mural of Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh that maintenance had planned on painting over but like who would they put on it?

When asked who would replace Burnie, Mr. Reilly said the Heat’s new mascot would be a housewife sitting courtside giving the finger to opposing players.