It was 27 years ago this week that Hurricane Andrew touched down in South Florida, leaving a wake of destruction in his path that impacted a generation of South Floridians. “Andrew was one of the most important moments in South Florida’s history,” said your friend’s mother unsolicited on Facebook.

But 27 years later, Andrew has retreated from the spotlight and is no longer the powerful storm of his youth. Now, the embattled gale finds himself in a tropical depression after years of missed opportunities and poor decisions.

In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Hurricane Andrew detailed his journey from a once great windstorm, heralded by many as the “Storm of the Century”, to an unemployed and highly disorganized storm system living back in his childhood bedroom.

“After I hit it big in Miami in 1992, I decided to test my luck and move in a north-westerly direction toward Louisianna with the ultimate forecast of reaching New York,” said Andrew. “I never came close.”

“Andrew makes a mess out of everything in his path,” said his father, Dr. Lawrence Appelbaum. “I told him he would never make it to New York. But he went anyway and ended up calling me and his mother a few days later to pick him up from Tennessee. When we arrived he was covered in blow and in hysterics. He’s been living here ever since.”

Hurricane Andrew says he is uninterested in following his father’s career in orthopedics or pursuing any career for that matter. “It’s not like I can just go and get a normal job at CVS or something. I’m Hurricane Andrew, everyone knows that. It would be humiliating if somebody saw me bagging groceries or working in a hospital or something,” said the storm. “I just need to focus on myself a little more before I’m ready to make a comeback and move out.”

Although he maintains he is not prepared to join the workforce, Hurricane Andrew acknowledged the strain that his lifestyle has put on his relationship with his father. “We’ve grown pretty distant, sure, but I know he loves me. I guess I just wish I felt he loved me for something besides just being his son.”

When asked to respond, Dr. Appelbaum was dismissive of his son’s concerns, noting the large amounts of money he has spent on him over the last two decades and suggesting that his son earn his love and respect by working toward building a future for himself.”He was a category 5! A 5! Now what is he? He’s nothing.”

“Andrew has no ambition. None whatsoever,” continued his father. “Not like his sister Sandy, who made landfall in NY where she was accepted to Julliard to study dance. Now she’s married to a congressional staffer from Far Rockaway,” said Dr. Appelbaum with aplomb. “They wrote about their engagement in the New York Times!” he gushed.

“I know some will look at me and think I’ve wasted a good opportunity,” said Hurricane Andrew. “Maybe I have. But I’m going to get back on my feet. I know it.”

When asked where he saw himself in the future, the once great storm smirked to himself before answering: “Anywhere the wind blows.”

Life isn’t easy for North Park Elementary teacher Alice McGeary, affectionately known to her kindergarten students as “Ms. Alice.”

“I love being a teacher, but it’s so hard to survive on a teacher’s salary,” said Ms. Alice, who due to budget cuts often has to pay for school supplies such as chalk, crayons, and semi-automatic assault rifles for personal defense out of her own pocket.

“It adds up, you know,” said Ms. Alice as she showed off several handguns she purchased to strategically hide around her classroom in the event of a mass shooting. “Don’t get me wrong, I feel much safer having a gun in a room of 5-year-olds, but guns are expensive!”

The Florida Senate passed a bill this week to permit teachers to carry guns in their classroom, but without any provision for reimbursement of the guns. “While we applaud the Senate’s proactive approach to surrounding our children with guns, we must not forget that this type of legislation has put an increased burden on our teachers,” said a teachers union representative from Miami-Dade County.

Ultimately, teachers like Ms. Alice will carry the increased burden and do what is necessary to protect their students. “We do what we have to do. If that means I buy the guns for my classroom, then that’s what I’ll do.” When asked whether she felt comfortable wielding a gun during an armed attack, the 24-year old Ms. Alice admitted that she didn’t and began to cry. “Of course not! My last job was at a Jamba Juice, I literally am scared to death.”

The Plantain has learned that on August 1st, 2019, senior editors at the Miami Herald had an hourslong meeting about whether to call shit “poop”, “caca”, “feces”, “doodie”, “mud pies”, or “turds” in a headline published the following day.

After intense debate and several internal conferences with in-house legal counsel, the Herald decided on “poop.”

The debate was instigated by an article by Herald reporter Martin Vassolo about elevated fecal levels found at Crandon Park. Mr. Vassolo originally suggested referring to the shit found in Miami’s water as “feces” but was told by his editor that “doodie” might be a better option.

The internal debate reportedly took hours and was not settled until the Herald’s editor, Aminda Marqués González, made the executive decision that “poop” was the funniest, and therefore best, option.

“We knew we couldn’t say “shit” right off the bat, and decided early on that “mud pie”, “turd” and “caca” was too New Times-ish, if you know what I mean,” said Ms. González. “We strongly considered “feces”, but we didn’t know if all of our readers would know that feces are shits. So it really came down to “doodie” and “poop” and I just sort of felt “poop” in my gut, you know.”

The Miami Herald won a 2017 Pulitzer Prize for its reporting on The Panama Papers and Nicholas Nehamas won’t let anyone forget about it!

McDonald’s across Miami-Dade County will be offering a limited time “Miami Spice” menu in an effort to attract foodies who might not otherwise eat at the Golden Arches. The exclusive price fixed menu, available until September 30, will feature classic McDonald’s dishes such as “cheeseburgers” and “nuggets” at massively inflated prices. For $39, diners will be offered french fries as an appetizer, the choice of either two single-patty cheeseburgers or 6 nuggets as an entree, and a fountain soda as a desert. Ketchup and bar-b-q sauce is available for a slight surcharge and diners can substitute their entree for a filet of fish for an additional $12.

“What a great experience!” said Esmarelda Velasquez of Coral Gables as she and her husband stepped over a drunken homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk outside of the Bird Road McDonalds. The Velasquezeseses, dressed in evening attire, said that they had a wonderful evening and enjoyed coupling the nostalgia of eating at a McDonald’s with the satisfaction of being able to pay 13 times more than the meal is worth.

“A cheeseburger just tastes better when it costs $39,” said Damian Velasquez as he waited for his car from the McDonalds valet.

Local filmmakers David Cypkin and Alfred Spellman, the duo behind the classic South Florida documentary Square Grouper, are at it again with SCREWBALL, a Miami-focused baseball movie about fraud and dishonesty that somehow isn’t about the Marlins.As a supporter of local art, I watched the film last night, and cannot convey to the viewers my disappointment with the film. The story was, in my opinion, ill-conceived and not worth the $3.99 I spent on the title. Luckily for Mssrs. Cypkin and Spellman, I had inadvertently watched a movie called “Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story”, which was the first thing that came up on my Video on Demand. Thanks, Xfinity.

“Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story” is a comedy about a wiffleball player named Ted that overcomes the odds to remain a whiffleball player named Ted. It is the kind of movie that Brian Doyle Murray shows up in toward the end for some reason, causing the person sitting next to you to say, “Hey, you know that’s Bill Murray’s brother?” Fortunately for Mr. Doyle Murray, he wasn’t actually in this movie and the actor was just the “Jump to Conclusions Guy” from Office Space. A man who is definitely not related to Bill Murray, I think.

Maybe they don’t look like each other. Is one of these guys the diabetes guy from China Syndrome? Anyway…
After watching Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story for an hour and a half, I realized this wasn’t the movie I intended to watch, which isn’t even on Xfinity anyway. After spending another 30 minutes fiddling with my Roku and having to sign up for an account on something called Redbox Online, I finally was able to watch the actual “Screwball” movie. Brian Doyle Murray isn’t in it either.
Screwball tells the real tale of Pedro Bosch, a man with a Belizian medical degree who injected athletes and children with steroids for money. He is all of the Cuban guys that grew up in Miami in the 80’s and the type that has gotten into several arguments at a Pollo Tropical while his kid, who he only has for the weekend, shout whispers at him “can we just go?”. To make a long story short, Bosch scammed $4,000 from a guy named Porter Fisher, the kid that was bullied at your high school but now works out too much and tries to sell you something called Shakeology through Facebook messenger once a year (I’m still not interested, Jeremy!).
The conflict between Porter and Bosch eventually “took down” numerous steroid pumping baseball stars including Alex Rodriguez and other famous athletes I definitely heard of before the movie. And by “took down,” I mean it didn’t, because A-rod is doing just fine. He does seem like a weirdo though and, although this wasn’t mentioned in the movie, is definitely is the type of guy that has jerked off to videos of himself hitting homers.
Screwball has gotten a lot of attention for its use of children during the film’s reenactments, an effective and entertaining storytelling device that is unfortunately ethically undercut by a scene during the credits in which the child actors are shown actually playing baseball among themselves. During the film’s parting moments, there is a shot of the child that plays Porter Fisher throwing a ball with just absurdly poor form. Like, the worst throw ever filmed on camera. That the filmmakers would put such an embarrassing shot of this young man in the movie is shocking and we have heard that CPS has opened an investigation on the filmmakers.
Screwball is an entertaining movie that is more about the folks you see driving rented BMWs on the Rickenbacker than Major League Baseball. It deserves to be seen now that it is on Netflix.
Screwball: A
Screwball: The Tim Whitfield Story: C-
The Kid that Plays Porter’s Throwing Arm: F
Child Tim Elfrink’s Demon Red Beard: B+
Redbox Online’s Sign Up Process: F
This Article’s Photoshop: A+

When Portland vegetarian Alyssa Milano-Milano ordered the “House Salad” from Yasvanny’s Cuban Restaurant in West Kendall last week, she expected more than tomato slices atop shredded lettuce.

The 33-year-old ordered the disappointing salad while in town for an interactive sexual dynamics workshop hosted in a Doral apartment by a guy she follows on Instagram named Emanuel.

“I wanted an authentic Cuban meal, even though I literally cannot eat any authentic Cuban dishes,” explained Ms. Milano-Milano, who even called the restaurant to make sure they could accommodate an animal-free diet. “I was definitely told: “Salad, yes. Yes, salad. Bye” by whoever answers the phone. In retrospect, I’m thinking maybe whoever I spoke with didn’t speak English.”

When Ms. Milano-Milano arrived at the restaurant to meet Emanuel, she was shocked both that no one in the restaurant seemed to have any vegetables on their plate and that Emanuel was a lot heavier than his Instagram pictures.

“Every person in the restaurant had meat on their plate. And Emanuel had titties,” said Ms. Milano-Milano who immediately regretted the comment and insisted that she was body positive and didn’t mean to make fun of Emanuel’s big titties.

After twenty minutes of engaging in awkward conversation with Emanuel, who it turns out still lives with his Abuela and only does workshops as a means of tricking women into paying him to have sex, Alyssa’s salad finally arrived.

“That’s not a salad!,” said a famished Ms. Milano-Milano, who insisted that a salad has to have, at a minimum, at least a few peppers, maybe some onions, and croutons. “Also, you can’t just hold a “workshop” without credentials,” she noted of Emanuel’s shady curriculum, which consisted of him massaging Alyssa with Royal Violets while his grandma watched La Reina del Sur in the other room.

The Plantain reached out to Yasvanny’s Cuban Restaurant about the minimal ingredients found in their house salad and was told that it contains more than just lettuce and tomato.

“We put a drizzle of canola oil as dressing,” said an assistant manager who noted she thought that salad was just “rabbit food” and encouraged vegetarians like Alyssa to stick with the chicken croquettes.

When we explained that vegetarians do not eat meat, the restaurant’s manager informed us that “Chicken isn’t meat.”

As the nation mourns the victims of the El Paso shooting, the National Rifle Association has agreed to pray really, really hard for the victims and their families. The concession from the pro-gun lobby was made in reaction to renewed calls to enact regulations that could have prevented Patrick Crusius from obtaining the gun he used to slaughter 20 victims Saturday morning.

Sensing a changing political tide, the NRA has vowed to respond more seriously to mass shootings than it has done in the past, promising in a press release to “really pray our asses off this time” and to even “light a candle or two for those victims and their families.”

“It’s the least we could do,” said NRA spokesperson Bradford Penniston. “Literally.”

The NRA has also agreed to allocate $2,500 from its budget to send bouquets of flowers to the families of the slain victims, as well as $4,000,000 to spend on lobbyists and political donations to make sure every proposed common-sense gun regulation is blocked.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article has been posted after each major mass shooting that occurred since 2016, including Orlando, Charleston, and MSD. All that has changed is the city, the number of victims, and name of the shooter. In each case, we have received messages that this article is “too soon” and in poor taste. We disagree. We think it’s in poor taste that people can’t leave their house without worrying about getting murdered. If you are offended by this article, I encourage you to, respectfully, suck a dick, dumbshits.

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Newlyweds Desmond and Molly Jones were dismayed to arrive at the beachfront vacation rental they booked on Airbnb to discover it was really just a discarded mattress abutting the shore.

“The amenities aren’t what we expected, but you really can’t beat this view,” said Desmond to his wife, desperately trying to put a positive spin on the situation. “Don’t you dare, Des!” said Molly, who begged her husband to spend the extra money on the honeymoon suite at the Setai. As she began to loudly cry she woke the homeless man already sleeping on the mattress. “Get the fuck out of my home!” yelled the man at the couple before falling back asleep.

Desperate to find alternative accommodations, the Columbus, Ohio couple ordered an Uber but were similarly disappointed to find that the 2015 Toyota Camry that they had expected to show up was actually an old white Econoline mini-van driven by an elderly Cuban man listening to Justin Bieber too loudly.

“Can you turn it down!” yelled Desmond to the driver who just ignored him. “I don’t think he speaks English,” he told his wife, who couldn’t even anymore.

After being turned away from several luxury hotels without vacancies on South Beach, the couple was told by Xavier Hernandes, a valet at the Fontainebleau who overheard their fight, that his parents in Hialeah rented their place on Airbnb and could accommodate. “Hialeah is beautiful, you’ll love it,” said the valet. “See honey, things are going to work out,” smiled Desmond to his wife who at this point just wanted to go home and rethink some things.

After waiting for Xavier to get off of his shift, the 20-year-old drove the couple to his parent’s rental property, which unbeknownst to the Midwestern couple was actually just several discarded couches lining a street of row houses.

“What the fuck, Desmond! This isn’t the honeymoon I imagined!” said Molly, breaking down. “I’m not sleeping out here, it isn’t safe! And these couches are covered with chickens!”

“Look, do you think this is what I wanted? I am trying my hardest to make this work.”

“Well, maybe this just isn’t…supposed to work.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I just…maybe this is a sign, Des. If we can’t even do a honeymoon right, maybe it’s stupid for us to think we can actually build a life together.”

“Are you serious?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe we rushed into this.”

“Babe, it’s just, it’s just a mix-up. We’ll laugh about this one day,” said Desmond, tears forming in his eyes.

“I hope so, but I need to get back to Ohio to think about it,” said Molly as she ordered another Uber to take her back to the airport.

“Don’t do this, Molly,” said Desmond to his new wife as she got into what she was told would be a 2016 Prius but was actually a wooden rickshaw driven by a worldly Rastafarian type.

As Desmond watched his wife ride away Xavier returned from inside his house. “Hey man, your room is ready.”

“What do you mean? You said we had to sleep on these discarded couches,” said Desmond.

“Bro, I was just fuckin’ with you. We got a queen bed for you inside and in the morning my Abuela will make you breakfast. Hey, where’d your girl go?”

By Milo

Since it’s opening in 1971, Disney World has been the destination of choice for children across the country and a surefire way for parents to create lasting memories with their family. But with the cost  of a single-day’s entry now well over $100.00 per person and a youth population dispassionate about Disney’s antiquated brand of wholesome, non-virtual entertainment, the Park has been forced to cater to a once-fringe group of visitors: Nostalgic adult couples without children.

“For years we tolerated, but never really encouraged, adults without children to visit our parks. In truth, we were always very suspicious about the 20 and 30-somethings who wanted to walk around a theme park designed to entertain 5-year-olds. But now, god-bless-them, those millennial yuppies make up more than half of our daily visitors,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “We’re working very hard to make sure these adult visitors have an enjoyable experience and continue to come back to our parks.”

Disney has several new attractions in the works that it believes will appeal to nostalgic millennials, including reviving several “retro” attractions like the perpetually dull Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and Figment’s Journey into Imagination. The Park has also entered into licensing agreements with non-Disney owned movie studios to create new attractions for its childless visitors, including a Wes Anderson inspired Christmas parade titled “The Royal Tenenbaum’s Tannenbaum” and a Donnie Darko themed space-time adventure called “Donnie Darko’s Cellar Door”. The Park will also completely replace Adventureland with a new themed area called “Portland.” 

“I have so many great memories of coming to Disney World as a kid,” said 31-year-old season ticket holder Dr. Elise Hodgmen as she and her husband waited in a two-hour line at the Magic Kingdom’s new Craft Beer Pavilion. “I just wish there weren’t so many children around,”  said the Miami-based medical records specialist after witnessing a nearby 6-year-old cry in fear from meeting a Disney employee dressed as “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski. “Uch, can’t its parents shut it up?” whispered Dr. Hodgmen to her husband. “I’d cry too if my parents put me on a leash,” he answered.

Responding to demands from couples like the Hodgmens, Disney will begin implementing age restricted weekends with the hope of attracting more childless visitors to its parks. “Today’s young adults are really uncomfortable around children. We want to eliminate that as a reason not to enjoy our timeless brand of childhood entertainment,” said Mr. Iger.

The Plantain interviewed 10-year-old twins Kevin and Melissa Dubrow as they left the Magic Kingdom with their parents and asked whether they enjoyed themselves or were upset about the Park’s planned age-restrictions. “Our parents really over-hyped this place,” said Kevin listlessly. “It’s was really hot and crowded and took like two hours to get on each ride. We were here all day and only got to go on like 3 things.”

“Yeah, and the reception inside the Park was really terrible,” added Melissa without looking up from her phone, unaware of the sadness on her parents’ faces, both of whom had a great day and couldn’t wait to come back without the kids.

The Plantain has learned that David Wilkinson, 28 years old, was othered and told to “go back to your country” by patrons at a Little Havana La Carreta as he tried to order a ham sandwich, french fries, and a “pop” in English.

“But this is America!” said Mr. Wilkinson of Broward County. “They should speak English and go back to THEIR country.”

“No, this is Miami, you should go back to YOUR country,” said Eduardo Santos, 58, after hearing Mr. Wilkinson English food order and racist frustration.

The two went back and forth like this for about twenty minutes, each pulling out their cell phones and promising each other that they would be very embarrassed once the video went viral.

“This is exactly why Trump was elected!” said Mr. Wilkinson to Mr. Santos. “Exactly,” said Mr. Santos, to a confused Mr. Wilkinson.

“I love Trump,” said the elderly Cuban man.

“Me too,” said the white dude from Broward.

“I guess we have more in common than we think,” Mr. Wilkinson said to Santos, remembering that somehow the Cuban community overwhelmingly supports Donald Trump which makes no fucking sense.

“I guess we do,” said Mr. Wilkinson, before asking Mr. Santos to help him order the ham sandwich from the waitress who was just texting on her phone during their entire stupid fight.