Life isn’t easy for North Park Elementary teacher Alice McGeary, affectionately known to her kindergarten students as “Ms. Alice.”

“I love being a teacher, but it’s so hard to survive on a teacher’s salary,” said Ms. Alice, who due to budget cuts often has to pay for school supplies such as chalk, crayons, and semi-automatic assault rifles for personal defense out of her own pocket.

“It adds up, you know,” said Ms. Alice as she showed off several handguns she purchased to strategically hide around her classroom in the event of a mass shooting. “Don’t get me wrong, I feel much safer having a gun in a room of 5-year-olds, but guns are expensive!”

The Florida Senate passed a bill this week to permit teachers to carry guns in their classroom, but without any provision for reimbursement of the guns. “While we applaud the Senate’s proactive approach to surrounding our children with guns, we must not forget that this type of legislation has put an increased burden on our teachers,” said a teachers union representative from Miami-Dade County.

Ultimately, teachers like Ms. Alice will carry the increased burden and do what is necessary to protect their students. “We do what we have to do. If that means I buy the guns for my classroom, then that’s what I’ll do.” When asked whether she felt comfortable wielding a gun during an armed attack, the 24-year old Ms. Alice admitted that she didn’t and began to cry. “Of course not! My last job was at a Jamba Juice, I literally am scared to death.”

Kendall, Miami’s restaurant-studded enclave that rose in popularity in the 1980’s and 1990’s as an affordable housing solution for the burgeoning Yuppie community, has been voted The Number #1 Suburb in America to Raise a Family. But residents see it differently.

Rosita Juana Eserbas, 84, says, “I’d say a more accurate designation is ‘The Number One Place to IGNORE Family.’ After my husband died, my son moved into my 3-bedroom house with his wife and kids, telling me that I should live with family and didn’t need all this space. The next thing I know, they moved me out of my own home into this tiny condo, and now I never see any of them.”

Kendall area high schools have reported to the Miami-Dade School Board that in recent years the number of kids seeking meetings with school guidance counselors has risen, 63% in the last year alone. And what do the counselors report as the main reason for seeking sessions with them? Attention. “These kids are basically living alone,” reports Cantlissa Ennimore, a guidance counselor at Kendall West High School. “Their friends are always on their phones. Their teachers—also on their phones—assign them work requiring internet research and intranet-based learning modules. Both of their parents work and their siblings are locked in their rooms playing video games. These kids are starving for human contact and attention.”

Kendall’s Number #1 ranking came from a study released Thursday from The Wellsley Berpshire Institute on Family, touting Kendall as being the idyllic, ideal suburb. A recent episode of the TV series This Old Townhouse also mentioned Kendall as a haven for the bargain-shopping DIY multitudes due to the vast numbers of run-down cookie-cutter condo community units available for purchase, remodeling, and flipping for a quick buck.

Residents declare that Kendall is nothing but a bunch of people jammed together in a box-like, rat maze, with lots of great restaurants, a couple of movie theaters, and some stores.

Uber Eats driver, Haspo Usten, 36, says that the majority of his business consists of making deliveries from Kendall restaurants to customers often just around the block from the dining establishment. “Half the time, I don’t even see the people I deliver food to—I just see a hand sticking out of the townhouse door reaching for the bag of food. It’s not hard to steal French fries or a half a sandwich from a hand,” Usten says, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

There is a general consensus among those living in Kendall, that—if it wasn’t for rush-hour traffic jams on work days—there’d be no way of knowing just how many people do live in Kendall. As for the rest of Miami residents, they never go to Kendall and mostly ignore the whole area.

By Lisa W. Hopper , a freelance journalist and staff writer for The Plantain. After writing this article, she stopped having her meals delivered, has taken a vegan cooking class, and now prepares her meals at home. She lives in north Dade County and has only ever gone to Kendall to interview residents for this article. She plans never to go there again—the traffic was terrible.

Historical preservationists rejoice! The scaffolding surrounding downtown Miami’s Olympia Theater has been granted historical status, meaning the metal fitted wooden guards around the theater will remain there permanently!

“The scaffolding has been a fixture of the theater’s exterior design since 2008 and has become a beloved feature of Miami’s innovative Flagler business and technology district,” said that wheelchaired homeless man who hangs around downtown dressed as a king.

“This is great news,” said a spokesperson of the City Miami’s Downtown Development District. “The scaffolding is not only a beautiful reflection of late-aughts temporary design architecture but also serves a practical purpose of catching most of the exterior bricks from falling onto pedestrians from the derelict building.”

When asked why the City doesn’t just fully pay for the building to be fixed, the DDA representative smiled, looked around, and quickly changed the subject to next year’s Superbowl.

“We’re turning downtown into a Superbowl village, which we think everyone going to the game hosted an hour away from downtown will really enjoy. It’s literally going to be better than 10 Superbowls.”

Publix Supermarkets has opened temporary rear entrances to its South Florida bakeries to cater to Passover scofflaws seeking bagels or other doughy treats during the traditionally bread-free week.

The new entrances will also enable quick access to selections of non-bakery items for Jews who want to enjoy chametz snacks such as Oreos, Uncrustables, or Publix subs without receiving a stern lecture from irate family members or religious leaders.

“If my wife or someone from shul catches me eating a sub in here, I’m—pardon the expression—toast,” said Ira Silverstein, 58, of Aventura.

Plantain reporters also spoke to Amanda Klein outside a Weston Publix, who revealed she was returning to the store tomorrow for some ham croquetas, a “double foul” according to her rabbi, and a “triple foul” according to her mother, who insists the single 33-year-old accountant “watch her figure” because she “isn’t getting any younger.”

The supermarket chain has set up an encrypted email server and anonymous phone number to facilitate pre-orders. It will also package bread products purchased at its rear entrances in empty Manischewitz Matzoh boxes to help conceal its customers’ goyish behaviors.

Higher Wages Now!, a 501(c)(3) registered non-profit is hiring an experienced executive director to oversee a diverse team of unpaid volunteers fighting for higher wages. The job pays $32,000 a year and has no benefits.

“We’re looking for the type of person that is dedicated to improving the rights and wages of workers,” said the group’s billionaire founder Kenneth T. Streicher, who started the organization in 2017 as a way of raising his profile. “It’s going to be a lot of hard work and a lot of long nights, but I know the right person is out there.”

Mr. Streicher says that the job provides lots of “invaluable experience” that may help his employee secure a livable wage in the future. He also notes that although they do not offer healthcare, the position does come with several coupons for 1/2 off a deep cleaning for Mr. Streicher’s brother-in-law’s dental practice. “We are looking for someone dedicated to the cause of obtaining higher wages, not someone who is only interested in the money.”

Duties include overseeing a large team of unpaid interns in formulating an executive strategy and multimedia communication campaign, organizing a national outreach effort to ensure that every worker has access to a living wage and healthcare, and spending all of your time reaching out to your own personal network trying to fundraise for the organization. “The way our country’s workers are treated is disgusting,” said Mr. Streicher, noting that pay and benefit disparity is especially egregious for young, female, or minority workers.

Higher Wage Now! is an equal opportunity employer and will give special consideration to young, female, and minority candidates. “We think it’s so important for this movement to be led by those most impacted by systemic disparity,” said Mr. Streicher without irony.