Actress Tara Reid endorsed Joe Biden for President today during a Zoom conference organized by his campaign.
“Make sure when you publish your story you write ‘Tara Reid Endorses Joe Biden‘ in the headline,” I was told by media strategist Amanda Abromowitz before she sent me the private link to the conference. I thought it was odd that the presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee would so eagerly court the endorsement of an actress from the American Pie franchise, but was told that “Joe Biden is loved by Tara Reid in an avuncular, purely non-sexual way, and even if it was sexual it would be purely consensual.”
Tara Reid was 25 minutes late to the online conference on account that she “had to run to the store for some Marlboro Lights,” so Joe Biden took questions from the audience to the horror of the staffers also watching the event online.
“What is your response to Tara Reade’s allegations?” asked a reporter in a backward hat for the Young Turks.
“They’re absolutely true! Tara Reid thinks I’m going to be a great President and I agree with her,” said Joe Biden after spending 20 minutes asking his grandson to “show him how to talk to the god damn computer phone, Jeez-Louise, Kyle.”
“No, Tara Reade your former staffer who has accused you of–” interrupted the Young Turks reporter before losing his connection.
“Sorry I’m late, bitches!” screamed Tara Reid as she entered the Zoom. She was wearing a bikini and, I don’t know, something just was off about it.
“Ah, Tara, so good to see you,” said Biden.
“Who are you?” asked Reid.
“I’m Joe Biden, of course,” he laughed before whispering “this girl is as flighty as a hummingbird,” to an old TV guide he confused for his wife.
“Oh, I thought this was for Joe Budden. Ok, whatever, so my name is Tara Reid and I endorse Joe Biden for President and he never raped me,” said Ms. Reid.
“There you have it, folks. Never raped Tara Reid, please print that in your publications, goodnight!” said Joe before turning to his TV guide and asking “now how on earth do I close out the meeting?”
“Um, excuse me, Tara?” I asked as Joe Biden tried to figure out how to end the meeting.
“Yes! Joe?” said Tara, apparently confusing me for the 80-year-old she just endorsed. After explaining that I was not Joe Biden, I asked the Van Wilder actress how this endorsement came about.
“Oh, you don’t have to answer that, honey,” said Joe to a coatrack with a yellow hat, but the actress went on.
“Someone at Joe’s campaign reached out to me on Cameo and paid me $125 to endorse him and tell everyone that he never sexually assaulted me,” Reid went on. I asked the Sharknado actress whether she believed the campaign reached out for an endorsement because she has the same name as former Senate staffer Tara Reade who has accused Joe Biden of raping her in 1993.
“Oh yeah, definitely,” said Ms. Reid as she popped another White Claw. “But I don’t believe her, I mean, women lie all the time. Remember when I played Bunny in the Big Lebowski?” I had forgotten that Tara Reid played the wife of the Big Lebowski who kidnapped herself to extort her husband,” but by the time I was ready to ask a follow-up, Biden had given up and unplugged his computer to end the Zoom.
Shortly after the conference, I received a frantic call from Ms. Abromowitz asking me why I would bring up the allegations of rape against Joe Biden. “Because he is running for President and is being accused of rape,” I said.
“Yes, but do you really want Trump to win? He raped lots of more people than Joe Biden!” she said. I asked how what Trump did was any different, to which Ms. Abromowitz said the women that accused Trump were telling the truth, whereas Tara Reade is making this up.”
“But how do you know the Trump women are telling the truth,” I asked. “Because you need to believe all women when they come out as assault victims. I agreed. “But not Tara Reade?” I asked. “Exactly!” she said. I told her I would think about how to report this piece.
After hanging up the phone I was conflicted about what to do. I didn’t want Donald Trump to be President. But I was still disturbed that Joe Biden was being accused of assaulting a woman and that all of his supporters, including Hillary Clinton and Stacey Abrams and Kristin Gillibrand, don’t seem to care at all. Shortly before publication, Ms. Abromowitz reached out to me and asked whether I would use her headline.
I said I would because I don’t want Trump to win, but that I would also include a long description of the events of the press conference and an editorial about how I was uncomfortable with Biden’s supporters’ willingness to turn a blind eye to serious accusations because they want to, understandably, beat Trump.
“Okay, great. As long as the headline says ‘Tara Reid endorses Joe Biden’ it’s fine, no one reads your articles anyway.”