I’m not four years old. I just want to get that out of the way. I know I can sometimes seem juvenile, what with all of the toilet humor, but I am definitely not four. Twitter doesn’t believe me.

This is a true story: I was on the toilet Sunday evening for a little more time than usual on account that I had eaten three artichokes. As I was scrolling through tweets about Katherine Fernandez Rundle covering up the death of Darren Rainey and about how David Rivera was caught raising money for Maduro’s government, eagerly awaiting last night’s election where they…both won somehow, I noticed something odd about the Plantain’s Twitter profile. It said we were 33 years old.

But The Plantain is not 33 years old. It is only four years old. The Plantain actually started right before Trump won somehow in 2016 — our first article was about Marco Rubio dropping out of politics to sell hoverboards at Bayfront Marketplace. Remember, there was a moment after Rubio lost the 2016 election that he said he was going to retire from politics. And that coincided with when those hoverboard things were being sold everywhere before people figured out that they could blow up and that sometimes it’s okay to just walk. Such simpler times.

So I changed the Plantain’s birthday from my birthday, which I used when I signed up for the account, to when the website started. And as soon as I did our account was locked because four-year-olds are not allowed to use Twitter despite Alan Dershowitz’s pleas. I have submitted a ticket and ID that proves I’m not in pre-K, but there is no telling how long it will take to get it back. So…follow our new twitter account: @ElNuevoPlantain
Milo

OHhhhh. And if you do want to further support the Plantain consider buying some of our new merch. We owe $50 for our stupid website’s servers because we’re too lazy to optimize our Google ads.

The Miami Herald’s endorsement of Katherine Fernandez Rundle is complete trash. Total shite. They should be embarrassed of themselves and the fact that their editorial board is so bad at their job that they have to be called out by The Plantain, a comedy website that publishes articles that are exclusively written while I’m on the toilet on break from my real job.

It shouldn’t be up to me to do this. I have work to do and would rather write an article about pastelitos or something silly and get those easy clicks. But that’s the world we live in. So let’s talk about this endorsement.

Here are some facts about Katherine Fernandez Rundle:

She has held her position for 27 years but has never charged a cop with an on-duty killing.

She hid evidence about the murder of Darren Rainey, a man who was scalded to death while in police custody, and never charged his killers.

She has lost so much support in the community that the Democratic party of which she is a member has asked for her to suspend her relection campaign.

Each of those sentences links to a Miami Herald article about KFR’s incompetency. It appears the Herald’s editorial staff were blocked by a paywall and couldn’t read them because they endorsed her over Melba Pearson, a criminal reform advocate and long-time assistant state attorney who promises to hold police accountable and not, you know, let them get away with fucking murder.

The Miami Herald’s endorsement of Katherine Fernandez Rundle is complete trash. Total shite. Very embarrassing. But that isn’t new, actually. The Herald has previously endorsed Miami Beach Commissioner Ricky Arriola and he’s spent the entire pandemic spouting off alt-right conspiracy theories about how the virus is fake and masks are like mind control devices. You can scroll through his Twitter account HERE and read the garbage he spews for yourself. The Herald has never reported on his dangerous claims and their editorial staff has never apologized for their shite endorsement of him. In fact, The Miami Herald never goes back and self-reflects on the endorsements they make.

Maybe they should. So, let’s take a look at some other Herald endorsements they drunkenly published and now hopes everyone forgets about:

The Miami Herald recommended Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, a woman who has repeatedly claimed that she was ABDUCTED BY ALIENS for the Republican Candidate for Congress.

The Miami Herald Recommended Jose “Pepe” Diaz, a man who was caught on camera driving drunk and using his office to get out of being arrested for County Commissioner.

The Miami Herald recommended Deede Weithorn, a woman who made up the fact that she went to MIT, for State Representative.

Crazy. I know.

So while The Herald’s lack of credibility when it comes to making recommendations for public office is not new, the Katherine Fernandez Rundle endorsement goes beyond their occasional incompetence. Unlike their previous endorsements of Covid-19 deniers, alien abductees, drunken commissioners, and people who lie about where they went to college, keeping Katherine Fernandez Rundle in office will lead to even more discriminatory killings by police officers in our community and the further degradation of our rights.

As a country, at this moment, we are rethinking how we should be policing our communities. We all agree police reform, in some capacity, is necessary. And whether that means reallocating police budgets to social services or funneling even more money to departments so they can better train officers is being debated at all levels of government. But police reform is IMPOSSIBLE if the police believe that they can operate without oversight of the State Attorney. And in Miami-Dade County that is not something that is even debated among our officers. Katherine Fernandez Rundle does not charge cops with crimes. FULL STOP. We have 27 years of empirical evidence on that fact. The Herald knows her record, but today presented it as “valuable experience.” The only way in which KFR’s experience is of value is if you see no value in the lives of the people who will never see justice because of her career-long inactions.

KFR’s shortcomings as a prosecutor are not old news. Just a few weeks ago, WLRN reported for the first time how she diverted millions of dollars extorted from criminal defendants to a non-profit that she secretly controls. The Herald didn’t report on that. Financial irregularities not of interest to you? Well, just last month she decided not to charge another office with shooting an unarmed teenager. The Herald didn’t report on that either. The Plantain did. So did the New Times. If Katherine Fernandez Rundle is elected again there will only be more articles like this, more grieving families, and more distrust between our police force and those they are sworn to protect.

As you can tell, I’m angry at the Miami Herald right now. I’ve been on the toilet for over an hour writing this and my legs have gone completely numb. What makes this so frustrating is that I love the Miami Herald. I support the Miami Herald. I even wrote three emails to the Miami Herald asking if there is anything The Plantain could do to help engage younger readers considering we get several hundred thousand people on our website every month, most of whom are 20-40 years old, and who only experience local news coverage through the stupid articles I write on the toilet. No one wrote us back. So what is left for me, a Herald fan with a platform, to do but to call them out when their stupidity puts our community in danger?

It makes me sad to see an institution I depend on not take its role in the community seriously and to watch this dereliction at a time when The Herald is doing poorly financially and finding itself increasingly unable to compete despite the fact that it has a staff of FUCKING GREAT reporters like Julie K. Brown, Doug Hanks, David Smiley, Nicholas Nehamas, Joey Flechas and countless others who don’t follow me on Twitter so they are dead to me. Endorsing Katherine Fernandez Rundle degrades the Herald as a platform. We can pretend it doesn’t, but it does. And at a time when the President of the United States has trained a sea of illiterate hillbillys to call every fact they don’t like “Fake News,” it’s decisions like this that make it more and more difficult for those of us that have spent a lifetime appreciating the Miami Herald to stand up for our paper of record.

The Plantain IS fake news. But we take that role seriously. Every article we write is sourced, often with Miami Herald articles written by great reporters. Every opinion we publish, even if surrounded by fart jokes, we take seriously because we know that when someone reads an article we put out about a local issue, that may be the ONLY interaction that reader has on the subject. The impact of a Miami Herald endorsement is not what it was. But it still means something, for now. It is decisions to endorse candidates like Katherine Fernandez Rundle that makes me wish the Miami Herald took its role as our paper of record at least as seriously as I do the slapdash toilet content we put out.

OMG my feet are totally asleep.

Milo

In a daring broad daylight heist, thieves stole hundreds of canvases and sculptures from the Romero Britto Art Store located in the Miami International Airport.Jacinta Fernandez, manager of the airport location informed the Plantain, “A frequent flyer inquired about a possible holiday discounts on a painting of a smiling flower he has had his eye on for two years. We informed him that we don’t do holiday discounts as that would interfere with our year-round perpetual sale. That’s when we noticed that the smiling flower painting was gone! Along with 57 other semi-original works and prints that all look the same.”
“This immediately raised our concern for our hermana stores in Lincoln Road and Wynwood.” Her calls to these stores quickly revealed that over half the inventory was missing. “We were so surprised! Over half the inventory on the gallery floor showroom has been missing since before Thanksgiving—and no one even noticed,” said Alvaro Caseres, assistant manager of the Miami Beach Lincoln Road Mall location. “It is hard to keep inventory when you can’t distinguish one piece from another.”
“Then we remembered the recent Walk of Fame star that Romero was just awarded in March–we feared it, too, might be stolen,” said Fernandez, referring to the concrete-encased Britto star located at the Bayside Walk of Fame which features sidewalk stars designed by Britto himself to honor accomplished and famed Miami personalities. But, after some searching, Britto’s star was found, safely located under a postcard rack.
Some art critics have speculated that the stolen works were removed to be sold on the black market during Art Basel. Myra Lebowitz, owner of the prestigious Miami-based, Lebowitz Gallery said that “People will pay for anything once they perceive it to have value. That’s what keeps me in business.” A source wishing to remain anonymous leaked to The Plantain, “His stuff is crap—I ought to know, I manage his Miami Beach store. Whomever took it was just trying to do the art world a favor.” Still, others have hinted that Britto himself removed the works to create a media stir to boost sales.
Miami-Dade Aviation Police Officers investigating the robbery reviewed the airports surveillance camera system, which revealed a sole, sweatshirt hoodie-wearing thief carting off Britto’s oeuvres d’art in several trips, stacking the “art pieces” by a terminal trashcan where they remained until the cleaning staff carted them off to the dumpsters. When confronted by investigators about his involvement, Airport janitor Hector Esquival added, “I don’t know jack shit about art, but I do know trash. And that stuff I threw out was trash.”
The mystery may never be solved according to Detective Ashley Ramirez, who said the investigation to find the art thieves will be ending soon. “It is difficult for our department to devote resources to this case as the items that are missing have zero value.
Romero Britto, 54, renowned Brazilian neo-pop artist who has resided in Miami since 1989, came to fame in the mid-1990’s with his colorful, child-like style that appealed to the masses and quickly became capitalized in the form of reprints, sculptures, key chains, ATM machines, fashion wear, fire hydrants, and a legion of tchotchkes. Stores began opening up in malls and airports in other cities in order to vie for a market share from their main competitor, Hello Kitty stores.
With an estimated net worth of nearly 70 million dollars, Britto is not just content to afflict the art world; a declared conservative, he has held fundraising events for Republicans, including election losers Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush.
Britto colorfully declined to be interviewed for this article, instead offering to sell us a Britto iPhone case for 30 bucks.
By Lisa W. Hopper, staff writer for The Plantain

The Sedano’s Supermarkets chain has launched new ethnic food aisles in 25 of its Miami locations as part of a strategy to target the growing segment of White millennials moving to Miami’s urban core.

Products featured in the new “Anglo” aisles include almond milk, brussels sprouts, goji berries, kombucha, gluten-free crackers, and assortments of artisanal jams sold in mason jars.

“South Florida is a community of immigrants,” said Carlos Perez-Santiago, a Sedano’s spokesperson. “We are proud to provide our newly arrived Anglo neighbors with food from their homeland.”

At a recent opening in Little Havana, local resident Andrea Figueroa, 55, wandered into the new aisle and was delighted with the interesting foreign offerings.

“There are so many amazing, exotic foods to sample,” Ms. Figureoa said as she examined a can of beets. “These Smucker’s Uncrustable are unbelievable! Who would’ve thought to put grape jelly in an empanada? Another great Anglo delicacy.”

Blake Miller, 24, who recently emigrated from his homeland of St. Louis to Midtown, said he was able to find many of his favorite comfort foods in Sedano’s new Anglo aisles.

“Knowing there is a place in Miami that sells Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper does a lot to help with the homesickness. Whenever I’m missing my homeland, I go and buy a box and, before too long, I am enjoying a home cooked meal just like my mother used to make,” Mr. Miller said.

Sedano’s will continue to focus its efforts on targeting Miami’s growing Anglo market, and has plans to brand one of its new stores as “Sedano’s Flavor”, which will feature traditional Anglo-American foods throughout the store and have an in-store buffet restaurant that will be jointly operated by Golden Corral.

“White people love buffets”, said Mr. Perez-Santiago. “I don’t get it, but we look forward to giving them an all-you-can-eat taste of home.”

By Manuel Del Fango IV


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“I am not a pedophile!” Alan Dershowitz told the clerk at a Boston-area Dunkin’ Donuts after being asked if he wanted an order of Munchkins. “Sir, this is a Dunkin Donuts…” said the young clerk, news that seemed to startle the old man out of the daytime delusion he was having. “Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I will take an order of Munchkins,” he told the clerk who didn’t even know who he was but got a really creepy vibe.

Alan Dershowitz is a lawyer known for zealously advocating on behalf of the worst people in the world and his belief that sex with a fourteen-year-old should be lawful. He is also a litigious little man who likes to threaten lawsuits against those who have criticized him following accusations that he had sexual relations with one of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims, Virginia Giuffre, when she was a teenager. Accordingly, here is a completely made up and constitutionally protected fake quotation and story about Alan Dershowitz defending himself.


It isn’t right that my reputation is being dragged through the mud on nothing more than sworn accusations of a woman who has provided the government with scores of credible evidence about the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and their collaborators, including Prince Andrew. Virginia Giuffre is a liar with regard to her specific accusations against me, and the idea that I engaged in pedophilic activities similar to my client Jeffrey Epstein is absurd. I did nothing wrong and that is obvious because the US Attorney granted all of Jeffrey Epstein’s collaborators immunity from prosecution. And as a collaborator, I made sure of that when I negotiated the non-prosecution agreement.”

Among the many accusations levied against Professor Dershowitz is that he received an erotic massage from Ms. Guiffre while at Jeffrey Epstein’s home when she was a teenager. Alan Dershowitz claims this is a lie and even (and this part is real) claims that while he did receive a massage at Jeffrey Epstein’s home while there in his capacity as a lawyer like that’s a thing lawyers do, he was rubbed down by an older woman named “Olga” and kept his underwear one the entire time.

Reaction to Mr. Dershowitz’s “underwear defense” has ranged from “I don’t fucking believe a god damn word he says” to widespread mouth barfs at the thought of Alan Dershowitz in his underwear. In a conversation with The Plantain that we made up so don’t sue us, Professor Underpants claimed to have irrefutable proof of his innocence.

“Here, now what do you think of that boychik?” Alan asked me as he slid a photograph of himself posing for the camera wearing a dirty pair of underwear. After spitting out the vomit from my mouth I asked him what it was he was showing to me.

“That’s me! Harvard Professor and CNN contributor Alan Dershowitz standing in a pair of soiled underwear! Don’t you see, this proves that I didn’t have sex with that liar Virginia Giuffre.”

I waited for a moment, contemplating his argument as I stared at the liver spots that covered his pruned body.”But how does this prove you didn’t have sex with her, Alan?” I asked. He was ready for the question.

“Excellent question, I am so glad you asked. Why would I, a well-respected Harvard professor and CNN contributor show you this picture of me in my shit-stained underwear if it weren’t the same underwear I wore when I received a massage at Jeffrey Epstein’s house from an adult woman named Helga?”

“Olga,” I corrected him.

“Right, Olga. This picture is very embarrassing, but if I’m willing to show this to you and the world then I must be telling the truth, right? Don’t you get it, I am clearly absolved of any wrongdoing.”

I spent the next forty-five minutes listening to Alan Dershowitz talk without interruption as he explained over and over again how he didn’t have had sex with anyone who is underage, but that even if he did statutory rape is an outdated concept anyway. He explained at length how Jeffrey Epstein’s abusive behavior had nothing to do with him and that his role in defending him is just part of his job as a constitutional lawyer which somehow absolves him from being a shitty person or mounting campaigns against the character of his client’s and allegedly his sexual victims.

When I told him I wasn’t buying it he accused me of being anti-Semitic until he found out I was Jewish. He then started mumbling to himself in frustration before showed me the picture of him in his underwear again. “I’m a Harvard Professor who knows Anderson Cooper. Why would I do this?”

As I was leaving, Alan Dershowitz tried to stop me so he could continue explaining to me that this entire thing is a misunderstanding, a conspiracy concocted by abuse victims and investigatory journalists. But it was no use. I didn’t really exist. I wasn’t even there. He had imagined the entire exchange while he waited in line at a Dunkin Donuts near his Boston home.

“I am not a pedophile!” Alan Dershowitz yelled at the clerk. It was the third time this has happened this week.

“Professor Dershowitz, you’re at a Dunkin Donuts again,” said the store manager, news that startled the old man out of the daytime delusion he was having. “Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I will take an order of Munchkins,” he told the clerk.

There were a lot of options for the headline of this satirical article about Miami’s mayoral election. I could have done something really outlandish like “The Plantain Endorses Alex Penelas Cause He’d Be So Great” or something more realistic like “Esteban Bovo Promises To Defeat Ghost of Fidel Castro If Elected Mayor” but after four years of running this (highly profitable) website (that is available for purchase should any hedge fund be interested), I know that our (super literate) readers sometimes take these articles literally.

Daniella Levine Cava is one of the best people I’ve ever met. That’s not satirical and there is no hidden subtext to it. She is just a stand-up person who cares more about Miami than almost anyone I know. And I know Mitchell Kaplan. Not personally. Through a friend.

Over the last four years, I’ve tried to write a satirical article about Daniella Levine Cava, one in which I exploit her worst qualities for the hard-hitting comedy gold that any hedge fund would be lucky to have in its portfolio. But I could never do so because Daniella’s worst quality is that she is an almost unnaturally wonderful person. Her second worst quality is she may be too into floral pattern blouses.

When you meet Daniella for the first time, you think to yourself “how could this lady be so nice and genuinely caring,” and also, “that’s a distracting peacock feather patterned blouse.” She’s so nice that you think she must be up to something. But it’s been years of me waiting for the shoe to drop on Daniella Levine Cava and all I’ve found out about her is she is a saint. I’ve even grown to love her penchant for large hats and turquoise clothing. Her worst quality is that there aren’t more people like her. And that’s the type of person I want as a mayor.

I’m serious about this, by the way, here is the absolute best headline I’ve been able to come up with poking fun at DLC over the years:

“Daniella Levine Cava to change her name to ‘Daniella Levine Cava Cava’ in appeal to Hispanic voters.”

It’s a pretty good headline, if I do say so myself, but I didn’t post it because it undermines the amazing work Daniella has done as Commissioner and throughout her career in non-profits for the normal people who live in a County that is run by politicians who prioritize the needs of those who already have the most over those of us still struggling to make it. I see the role that The Plantain plays in this community as being a source that shines a light on the things that Miami should improve. Daniella, in my honest opinion, doesn’t need to be improved. She needs to be in power. That’s why I’m endorsing her for mayor.

Miami has a lot of issues. But whether it will be addressing climate change, traffic congestion, our affordable housing and overdevelopment problems, police oversight, or just having someone in power who will be transparent and care about how her decisions impact normal people, Daniella is the only choice to address those issues.

I look forward to the day I can watch her stand at County Hall in an oversized hat and paisley blouse as she is sworn in as our mayor.

EARLY VOTING IN MIAMI IS ALREADY UNDERWAY! VOTE FOR DANIELLA

A note about the other candidates:
Xavier Suarez is a good man. I like him a lot. He posed for a “READING IS GOOD” library ad holding an economics book he wrote a thousand years ago, which is sort of baller in the same way that wearing a t-shirt of your own band is sort of cool in an oblivious sort of way.

I like his son a lot too, the Mayor of Miami. We get our eyebrows threaded by the same lady. And if DLC weren’t a saint and running against him, I’d endorse him over the two other idiots running. And I’m not alone in holding Suarez in high esteem. Uncle Luke endorsed him because he has “experience,” but with all due respect to Mr. Campbell, ME SO thinks this is the wrong reason. XS has a lot of experience, that’s true. But one of the problems we have at all levels of government in Miami is that it’s the same people from the same families making deals with the same lobbyists representing the same developers who are also part of the same families and that’s why traffic is bad and no one can afford to live here. Xavier Suarez is not the CAUSE of Miami’s issues, but he is emblematic of dynasties that created them.

Alex Penelas, on the other hand, is not a good man. He is the worst person in the race. How bad is Alex Penelas? Al Gore said he is the worst person he knows in politics and Al Gore served in Bill Clinton’s White House! Penelas has no business being in politics, he doesn’t care about you, and I wouldn’t trust him to run a Jamba Juice let alone Miami Dade County.

Finally, Esteban Bovo is not a bad person. He is just a MAGA-loving idiot. But he’s been terrible LONG before he became a MAGA-loving idiot. I was once at a Commission meeting and he went on this long diatribe about how no one cares about public transit because people left Cuba for freedom and freedom means being able to drive their own car. No, Bovo, people left Cuba to escape inflexible leaders with god complexes like you. Next.

Chinese developer Hank Greenbaum (汉克·格林鲍姆) announced plans to develop the world’s tallest building in Miami on U.S. 1 right next to the Taco Rico. The 195-floor building will replace the property’s current occupant, a vape shop.

“We searched all over the world for a place to build a building of this size and knew we had found the right spot when we saw this narrow area of land alongside already congested U.S. 1.,” said Mr. Greenbaum. “Nothing screams ‘this is the perfect location for a giant building’ like the lack of a setback,'” he said, adding that the already existing nearby Starbucks and taco stand sealed the deal. “I love tacos and building skyscrapers, what can I say?” said Mr. Greenbaum.

The Plantain asked the developer how his building would impact traffic along the already congested highway, to which he told us to “fuck off.” He had the same answer when asked about whether there would be public financing for the building.

Construction will begin on “Gimenez Tower” in the summer. When asked how they decided on the name, Mr. Greenbaum said it was to honor his friend Mayor Carlos Gimenez who promised to push this terrible idea through in exchange for hiring his son as a lobbyist and giving a campaign contribution to his Congressional bid. “We need more men like that in Washington,” said Mr. Greenbaum before leaving to catch his plane back to Hong Kong.

Katherine Fernandez Rundle has spent her career cultivating a reputation as the pro-cop, law & order prosecutor. In fact, in her 27 years as Miami-Dade’s State Attorney, she has never prosecuted a police officer for an on-duty killing. “She’s the perfect State Attorney as far as I’m concerned,” said Miami-Dade Police leader Javier Ortiz before roughing up a young woman for no good reason.

“She’s just a lovely woman,” said Mr. Ortiz as he sipped a milkshake from Shake Shack he would later claim was poisoned. “We thought for sure she’d be pressured by the radical Black Lives Matter movement to charge an officer who murdered an unarmed teen earlier this month with murder, but good ol’ KFR said there was not enough evidence and let that officer go. I love that woman,” said Ortiz before making himself throw up.

But in the wake of national unrest caused by widespread police brutality, Katherine Fernandez Rundle’s pristine record of doing absolutely nothing to discipline bad cops is under fire. On July 7, 2020 the Miami Democratic Party passed a resolution urging KFR to drop out of the race, a shocking move not reported by the Miami Herald at the time of this stupid parody’s publication.

“I don’t understand why everyone is being so mean to me!” the State Attorney told me in an interview. “I’ve only been in this job for 27-years! How many cops do they want me to have arrested?” she asked.

“More than none?” I responded but was told she was being rhetorical.

“It’s not like I’m purposefully turning a blind eye to police brutality,” said the 70-year-old as she deleted hundreds of emails and requests for comments sent to her about Miami-Dade Police Officers beating up and pepper-spraying demonstrators protesting police violence.

“If I had evidence to convict a police officer I would certainly prosecute one,” she said, explaining that there just has never been any evidence of a crime committed by an officer in the line of duty since she took office in 1993. “It’s a testament to how great Miami’s police are,” said KFR, adding “and believe me, if there was evidence I’d know about it because the cops I’m being asked to investigate are the ones who gather the evidence of their own alleged crimes.”

Katherine Ferndanzes Rundle is being challenged by Melba Pearson who is running on a radical platform of putting police officers who murder members of the public in jail. “She’s so radical! She’s basically Antifa!” said KFR before adding, “Plus, we don’t want socialism in this Country! Maduro is a monster! NASCAR should let people fly whatever flag they want!”

When asked whether if re-elected she would promise to prosecute more police, Ms. Ferndandez-Rundle informed me that I had violated campaign finance laws by asking that question. “How is that possible?” I asked, to which the veteran prosecutor said that she felt threatened and called the police to have me arrested for unlawful assembly and mayhem which was later superseded to aggravated assault on a police officer which was later superseded to attempted murder which carries with it a sentence of up to 25 years in prison.

“But I didn’t do anything but ask Katherine Fernandez Rundle a question!” I told the prosecutor who said that it was KFR’s word against mine and that it was in my best interest to plead down to felony battery since I’d be out of jail in only 3 years. I agreed.

“Katherine Fernandez Rundle is a great prosecutor who I wholeheartedly endorse,” said one of the Miami-Dade corrections officers I was assigned to on my first day of prison.

“Why do you like her so much?” I asked him as he led me to the prison’s shower.

Cause I literally murdered a man named Darren Rainey by trapping him in a hot shower while he screamed for two hours until his skin fell off the bone and she didn’t even prosecute me or nothing,” he said, adding, “I mean, that’s nuts, right? I boiled a man alive on my job and she was like ‘it’s cool, just try not to do it again.’ Anyway, take off your clothes it’s time for a shower.”

“I don’t think I want to take a shower here,” I told the officer before being told in no uncertain terms that it was not optional.

EDITOR’S NOTE: After posting this article I sent an email to the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office asking Ms. Fernandez-Rundle to charge me with violating election law since I think it would be really good publicity for the website. Typically, she declined to prosecute citing lack of evidence.

Breaking news out of Cuba: Fidel Castro is still dead. 

Despite conflicting reports, the A.P. confirms that maximum leader Fidel Castro is still dead, although he is feeling better and better each day. The news, which is still developing, has been confirmed by several independent sources who report that they have spoken to Fidel Castro since his death and can confirm that he is, in fact, still dead. 

The Plantain has not been able to reach Castro for a statement on his death on account of his death. More as this story develops. 

After months of pretending the pandemic was no biggie, Mayor Carlos Gimenez reacted to new records in the number of Florida coronavirus patients by ordering restaurants to close again. The Plantain spoke to Mayor Gimenez about the decision which has been praised by locals eager to not die until they saw him on TV blaming black people and the ghost of Fidel Castro on the increase in Covid cases.

“We were doing absolutely fine in Miami with Coronavirus,” said the Mayor without anything in the world to back that up. “But then the protests happened and now we’re seeing record numbers.”

We asked Mayor Gimenez whether he had seen any evidence connecting the increase in infections to the protest movement and not his decision to open up barbers and restaurants early. “Sure, plenty of evidence,” he said before pivoting to an old standard. “Also, Cuba had something to do with it too probably.”