“I am not a pedophile!” Alan Dershowitz told the clerk at a Boston-area Dunkin’ Donuts after being asked if he wanted an order of Munchkins. “Sir, this is a Dunkin Donuts…” said the young clerk, news that seemed to startle the old man out of the daytime delusion he was having. “Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I will take an order of Munchkins,” he told the clerk who didn’t even know who he was but got a really creepy vibe.

Alan Dershowitz is a lawyer known for zealously advocating on behalf of the worst people in the world and his belief that sex with a fourteen-year-old should be lawful. He is also a litigious little man who likes to threaten lawsuits against those who have criticized him following accusations that he had sexual relations with one of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims, Virginia Giuffre, when she was a teenager. Accordingly, here is a completely made up and constitutionally protected fake quotation and story about Alan Dershowitz defending himself.

It isn’t right that my reputation is being dragged through the mud on nothing more than sworn accusations of a woman who has provided the government with scores of credible evidence about the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and their collaborators, including Prince Andrew. Virginia Giuffre is a liar with regard to her specific accusations against me, and the idea that I engaged in pedophilic activities similar to my client Jeffrey Epstein is absurd. I did nothing wrong and that is obvious because the US Attorney granted all of Jeffrey Epstein’s collaborators immunity from prosecution. And as a collaborator, I made sure of that when I negotiated the non-prosecution agreement.”

Among the many accusations levied against Professor Dershowitz is that he received an erotic massage from Ms. Guiffre while at Jeffrey Epstein’s home when she was a teenager. Alan Dershowitz claims this is a lie and even (and this part is real) claims that while he did receive a massage at Jeffrey Epstein’s home while there in his capacity as a lawyer like that’s a thing lawyers do, he was rubbed down by an older woman named “Olga” and kept his underwear one the entire time.

Reaction to Mr. Dershowitz’s “underwear defense” has ranged from “I don’t fucking believe a god damn word he says” to widespread mouth barfs at the thought of Alan Dershowitz in his underwear. In a conversation with The Plantain that we made up so don’t sue us, Professor Underpants claimed to have irrefutable proof of his innocence.

“Here, now what do you think of that boychik?” Alan asked me as he slid a photograph of himself posing for the camera wearing a dirty pair of underwear. After spitting out the vomit from my mouth I asked him what it was he was showing to me.

“That’s me! Harvard Professor and CNN contributor Alan Dershowitz standing in a pair of soiled underwear! Don’t you see, this proves that I didn’t have sex with that liar Virginia Giuffre.”

I waited for a moment, contemplating his argument as I stared at the liver spots that covered his pruned body.”But how does this prove you didn’t have sex with her, Alan?” I asked. He was ready for the question.

“Excellent question, I am so glad you asked. Why would I, a well-respected Harvard professor and CNN contributor show you this picture of me in my shit-stained underwear if it weren’t the same underwear I wore when I received a massage at Jeffrey Epstein’s house from an adult woman named Helga?”

“Olga,” I corrected him.

“Right, Olga. This picture is very embarrassing, but if I’m willing to show this to you and the world then I must be telling the truth, right? Don’t you get it, I am clearly absolved of any wrongdoing.”

I spent the next forty-five minutes listening to Alan Dershowitz talk without interruption as he explained over and over again how he didn’t have had sex with anyone who is underage, but that even if he did statutory rape is an outdated concept anyway. He explained at length how Jeffrey Epstein’s abusive behavior had nothing to do with him and that his role in defending him is just part of his job as a constitutional lawyer which somehow absolves him from being a shitty person or mounting campaigns against the character of his client’s and allegedly his sexual victims.

When I told him I wasn’t buying it he accused me of being anti-Semitic until he found out I was Jewish. He then started mumbling to himself in frustration before showed me the picture of him in his underwear again. “I’m a Harvard Professor who knows Anderson Cooper. Why would I do this?”

As I was leaving, Alan Dershowitz tried to stop me so he could continue explaining to me that this entire thing is a misunderstanding, a conspiracy concocted by abuse victims and investigatory journalists. But it was no use. I didn’t really exist. I wasn’t even there. He had imagined the entire exchange while he waited in line at a Dunkin Donuts near his Boston home.

“I am not a pedophile!” Alan Dershowitz yelled at the clerk. It was the third time this has happened this week.

“Professor Dershowitz, you’re at a Dunkin Donuts again,” said the store manager, news that startled the old man out of the daytime delusion he was having. “Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I will take an order of Munchkins,” he told the clerk.

When 27-year-old Miami native Delia Fernandez was arrested earlier this year for twerking on top of a car as it drove down the 836, she felt her rights were violated. “You can’t do this to me, I have rights!” screamed a scantily clad Ms. Fernandez as she was handcuffed by Miami-Dade Police in a now-infamous viral video of the incident recorded by the arresting officers that they immediately posted online.

“You don’t have a right to twerk on a moving vehicle” said one of the police officers before roughing her up a little just for fun.

At Ms. Fernandez’s court appearance on one count of disorderly conduct, the Miami-Dade College alum argued her arrest violated the First Amendment and her “right to disseminate an erotic message by twerking on a car in traffic.”

“Are you suggesting that the Founders intended for the First Amendment to protect drunken women from shaking their asses while driving on a freeway?” asked Judge Beatrice Baker, herself a former Miami-Dade alum who was known to get down in her day.

“The right to twerk on top of a car was one of the primary concerns of the Founders,” said Ms. Fernandez’s lawyer. “It’s frankly why we fought the Revolution.”

In an Order issued at the hearing, Judge Baker found that the First Amendment protected twerking on a moving vehicle and prohibited Miami-Dade from enforcing its restrictions on shaking that ass while driving, reasoning:

“It is clear, under the Supreme Court’s Barnes v. Glen Theater precedent, that erotic dancing is protected under the First Amendment and the Court finds the government has not demonstrated that its prohibition against popping one’s pussy from the hood of an Acura while it drives down the Dolphin Expressway” meets the Time, Place, and Manner standard as outlined in Ward v. Rock Against Racism. Accordingly, this Court enters an injunction prohibiting Miami from stopping any other cars with a ratchet women hanging off the hood twerking in traffic.”

“This is a great victory and I feel, like, super vindicated,” Ms. Fernandez told The Plantain as she exited the Courtroom. She then mounted the hood of her boyfriend’s Mazda and started clapping her ass, just as the Constitution intended.

Many have wondered how Senator Marco Rubio, a cowardly Miami native legally classified as a mollusk, remains so popular in Miami despite doing absolutely nothing for anyone in Miami. After a careful review of the Senator’s record and talking to the men who used to hang out in the Tropical Park bathrooms that knew him as a youth, we discovered that the qualities that keep Rubio relevant are the same ones that skyrocketed Scooby “Dooby” Doo to popularity all those years ago.

Here are 5 ways Marco Rubio is just like Scooby-Doo.

They’re both cowards

Scooby-Doo’s cowardice is one of his defining traits. He runs from every problem he faces, whether it be a ghost, a monster, a bath, or personal responsibility. While Scooby’s cowardice can get in the way, and indeed, sometimes instigates antics among his gang of meddling kids, he always redeems himself once Velma gives him a Scooby-Snack which gives him the courage needed to save the day.

Marco is also a coward unwilling to protect his constituents by standing up against his party’s dog whistle immigration policies and is too petrified to criticize literally anything Trump has ever done. Like Scooby, Marco Rubio knows he is a coward, which upsets him, and he occasionally tries to eat a Marco Snack for courage. Unfortunately, “Marco Snacks” are just croquetas from Vicky’s, which are so oily they tend to just make him tired and not brave.

They both believe in consolidating wealth at the top.

Senator Rubio loves low taxes and is a staunch believer in trickle-down economics. The economic policies he supports let the rich exploit the efforts of the working class by funneling profits up through essentially tax-exempt corporate entities. This is exactly like how Scooby-Doo uses a very-long straw to secretly suck up his friends’ milkshakes before they notice, even though they did all the work of getting the milkshake because dogs can’t buy milkshakes.

Scooby at least is honest and direct with his theft and says “ROUGH ROUGH SARRY, FRED” after he laps up Fred’s sandwich with his tongue. Marco, on the other hand, is not an honest thief and would steal Daphne’s pig to give to the butcher without any shame or even inviting her over for lechon.

They are both totally divorced from their ethnicity.

It’s a well-documented fact that “Scoob” is a DINO (Dog In Name Only) who spends all his time with humans who keep him around only for the sake of saying they have a dog. He’s clearly treated as lesser than his peers, with only shaggy making any attempt to understand dog culture.

Marco-Doo is the only prominent Hispanic Republican in the Senate, with the notable exception of Ted Cruz, who is such a hated twerp he would definitely be Scrappy-Doo by analogy. Rubio, like Scooby, totally eschews his Hispanic heritage and culture only displaying it when he wants to bark at the cat of communism.

They both have brown hair.

In Scooby’s case, it’s more like fur and he has a lot more of it since Rubio isn’t a dog and is going sort of bald too. But either way, brown.

They’re both two-dimensional characters obsessed with taking down 1960’s-era villains that don’t pose a threat to anyone anymore.

For all his faults, Marco Rubio, like Scooby-Doo, just wants the people who own him to think he is a “good boy, yes he is, a very good boy.” And like his cartoon counterpart, Marco Rubio thinks the way to achieve affection is to fight 1960’s-era villains. For Scooby-Doo, this makes sense since he is a cartoon character from the 1960’s. But Marco Rubio isn’t a cartoon dog from the 1960’s, he is a U.S. Senator.

And Fidel Castro is dead.

Bit even for all of his posturing about Castro and the problems with communism, Marco wants so desperately to have his tummy rubbed by the white man in the ascot that he is willing to ignore Trump’s dealings with Castro and the Cuban government over the years. What’s worse, with all of his obsession with what has happened in Cuba or Venezuela long ago, he ignores the many issues happening back home in Westchester, where he may or may not used to have gotten handjobs from strange men in the Tropical Park bathroom in the 90’s. Zoinks.

There were a lot of options for the headline of this satirical article about Miami’s mayoral election. I could have done something really outlandish like “The Plantain Endorses Wishes Alex Penelas Cause have been Mayor cause He’d Be Great” or something more realistic like “Esteban Bovo Promises To Defeat Ghost of Fidel Castro If Elected Mayor” but after four years of running this (highly profitable) website (that is available for purchase should any hedge fund be interested), I know that our (super literate) readers sometimes take these articles literally.

Daniella Levine Cava is one of the best people I’ve ever met. That’s not satirical and there is no hidden subtext to it. She is just a stand-up person who cares more about Miami than almost anyone I know. And I know Mitchell Kaplan. Not personally. Through a friend.

Over the last four years, I’ve tried to write a satirical article about Daniella Levine Cava, one in which I exploit her worst qualities for the hard-hitting comedy gold that any hedge fund would be lucky to have in its portfolio. But I could never do so because Daniella’s worst quality is that she is an almost unnaturally wonderful person. Her second worst quality is she may be too into floral pattern blouses.

When you meet Daniella for the first time, you think to yourself “how could this lady be so nice and genuinely caring,” and also, “that’s a distracting peacock feather patterned blouse.” She’s so nice that you think she must be up to something. But it’s been years of me waiting for the shoe to drop on Daniella Levine Cava and all I’ve found out about her is she is a saint. I’ve even grown to love her penchant for large hats and turquoise clothing. Her worst quality is that there aren’t more people like her. And that’s the type of person I want as a mayor.

I’m serious about this, by the way, here is the absolute best headline I’ve been able to come up with poking fun at DLC over the years:

“Daniella Levine Cava to change her name to ‘Daniella Levine Cava Cava’ in appeal to Hispanic voters.”

It’s a pretty good headline, if I do say so myself, but I didn’t post it because it undermines the amazing work Daniella has done as Commissioner and throughout her career in non-profits for the normal people who live in a County that is run by politicians who prioritize the needs of those who already have the most over those of us still struggling to make it. I see the role that The Plantain plays in this community as being a source that shines a light on the things that Miami should improve. Daniella, in my honest opinion, doesn’t need to be improved. She needs to be in power. That’s why I’m endorsing her for mayor.

Miami has a lot of issues. But whether it will be addressing climate change, traffic congestion, our affordable housing and overdevelopment problems, police oversight, or just having someone in power who will be transparent and care about how her decisions impact normal people, Daniella is the only choice to address those issues.

I look forward to the day I can watch her stand at County Hall in an oversized hat and paisley blouse as she is sworn in as our mayor.

A note about her opponent:

A lot of people dismiss Esteban Bovo because he is a MAGA-loving idiot. But what you may not know is he’s been terrible LONG before he became a MAGA-loving idiot. I was once at a Commission meeting and he went on this long diatribe about how no one cares about public transit because people left Cuba for freedom and freedom means being able to drive their own car. No, Bovo, people left Cuba to escape inflexible leaders with god complexes like you.

Bovo’s only argument against Daniella is that she is a “radical liberal.” Literally, that’s it. I’ve gotten about a thousand mailers saying just that, but Daniella is no radical liberal, and believe me I should know because I am a radical liberal. She is just compassionate and caring and believes that those with the least have just as much of a right to call Miami their home as those with the most. If that is radical liberal socialism, then I guess I’m a radical liberal socialist and proud of it.

Hell, I’m so proud of it I put it on stickers and shirts that’s for sale

What could be more capitalistic than that?

It was overall a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I never eat Frankie’s Pizza because it is awful. It has been awful for 50 years and anyone who tells you that’s not true just grew up in South Miami and doesn’t want to admit that their youth was spent eating subpar pizza.

But, every 4 years or so I give it another chance because deep down I want Frankie’s pizza to be good. It is an institution that I want to succeed.

But it is never good.

And it has never been good.

Their sauce is gross and their dough is spongy and I think it’s time we all just admit that it no longer meets the standards of modern pizza and we just eat it because it’s there and sometimes we’re hungry.

And yes, this review is an allegory about the election.

And no, I’m not sure if allegory is the right word.

So as I approached Frankie’s dingy little building there were two elderly men screaming at each other about socialism and telling each other to shut up over and over. I tried to make my way past them to order but they were so belligerent I couldn’t make my way through.

“Who are these men?” I asked a teenage employee smoking a black and mild on his break. “Oh, they’re just two old men who show up every couple of years and scream at each other like they fucking own the place,” he said before turning to his phone.

I asked the kid if I could order a pizza, to which he said “yeah, for sure, I’ll be back on the clock in 10 minutes.”

So I waited and watched the two men go at each other. Neither made much sense and both had difficulty getting their point across without screaming or stumbling over his own words. As they yelled about the direction of the country it was clear they didn’t care about what anyone wanted other than themselves. It was frustrating to hear, but after 10 minutes of back and forth about the police (they both basically love police) and the environment (they both basically don’t want to do anything to help it) and health care (they both basically don’t think health care should be given to everyone) and the monopolization of corporate power (they both basically love big corporations), I decided to push my way into the restaurant and order what I knew would be a very bad pizza pie.

Inside the teenager took my order but was texting with someone at the same time so I didn’t have confidence he got my order correct (it was a cheese pizza). But I am generally conflict-averse and afraid of teenagers so I said nothing and handed him my credit card. “Yeah, yeah, cool, it will be ready in 15 minutes, so just wait outside.”

Outside I listen to the old men fight again. One was fat and overly pampered and the other liver-spotted and frail. They yelled at each other about women’s rights and black’s rights and what the world would be like in 50 years and had opinions about everything that would impact everyone other than them. And they both believed each other wanted to take the country in the wrong direction but supported this belief in a very half-educated hyperbolic sort of way.

I thought it ironic that these two old men would dare to think they should still have a say in a world. How dare they? They were both in their 70’s…why not just take their remaining years and calm the fuck down. Why are they fighting so hard for things that won’t impact them when doing so means the very people who are impacted will not have a meaningful say? It’s selfish and I tried to interject several times, but they just ignored me and laughed about how I was a socialist. They both agreed that I was a socialist.

After several minutes the fat one started getting really cagey and low-key started defending Nazis for some reason. I felt I needed to interrupt at that point: “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” I finally screamed. The other old man looked stunned.

“How can you defend Nazis? They are Nazis? That should be enough for you to hate them!”

As I was really starting to get going I was interrupted by the kid who worked at Frankie’s who handed me my pizza as he walked outside to light another black-and-mild. As he blew smoke in the air and ran his fingers across his tapered hairline I realized I hated him and felt a strong desire to call him a socialist because the pizza he handed me had onions all over it. It was just cheese and raw onions. Who would order that? How could he think I or anyone else would want that? Was he fucking with me? I asked him to make me a new one, which he said he would but he just started another 15-minute break so it would be at least 45 until the pizza was ready. Fucking socialist. I decided to just accept the pizza.

As I turned back to the fat old man who was defending Nazis I noticed the other old man just standing there silently. “Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you like Nazis too?”

He took a moment and reflected…”No. I don’t like Nazis. They’re Nazis.”

For whatever reason what should have been his uncontroversial opinion that Nazis are bad made me feel comforted. I took a deep breath and I pulled out a slice of Frankie’s disgusting pizza with cheese and onions and a spongy undercooked crust and sauce that tastes like it was pickled in vinegar and reluctantly took a bite because I was exhausted and hungry and sick of fighting with someone who supports Nazis and just needed to eat something, goddammit. I gave that frail old man who doesn’t really represent me or want to fix any of the big problems I’m concerned about a nod as I left him to continue fighting with the fatter old man, because at least he doesn’t like Nazis so in this fight that means I’m on his side.

And as I walked back to my car to go home to watch the debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump I thought about how I would so much rather have gone to Big Cheese or Miami’s Best or Anthony’s or An Diamo’s or Harry’s or even fucking Pete Buttigieg Papa John’s, but that wasn’t a choice I had because I happened to be on Bird Road and needed to eat. And I knew that in four years I would likely be back at Frankie’s Pizza listening to two other old men fighting about issues that no longer impact them without any care for what I, or anyone my age, or frankly anyone who doesn’t look like them, really wants. And I’d have to eat another slice of awful cheese and onion pizza because I’ll be hungry again and need to eat and because despite a long history of disappointment Frankie’s is just not going anywhere.

Congressleprochaun Donna Shalala is under fire, yet again this week after admitting to–wait, are you serious? Uch, what an unforced error, okayCOMMITTING A FEDERAL CRIME BY NOT REPORTING THE SALE OF STOCKS SHE OWNED. This is somehow the second time in the last six months she has been busted for not reporting stock sales.

The Plantain spoke with Ms. Shalala about the FEDERAL CRIME SHE COMMITTED, which the freshman Congressmen explained it was just a “mistake” that she chalks up to her youth and inexperience. “I was only 78 years old when it happened. I’m 79 now and learned my lesson.”

When asked how an error of the magnitude of FEDERAL CRIME could occur, Ms. Shalala was unsure of the details, explaining only that she and her team of investment advisors took the position that they did not have to comply with federal law: “For the life of me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise,” said Ms. Shalala, adding that “she was merely a freshman…congressperson.”

Donna Shalala’s FEDERAL CRIME has caused some to question whether she should be appointed to the House Oversight committee overseeing the distribution of emergency Coronavirus funds. As of this publication, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she would not ask Donna to step down, chalking the entire controversy up as a “simple mistake” not at all like what Republican Senators Richard Burr and Kelly Loeffler did which was much worse for some reason..

The Plantain asked Ms. Shalala if she regretted selling her stock in violation of federal reporting laws, to which she said she did. We then asked whether she also regretted selling environmentally sensitive land owned by the Univesity of Miami when she was its President to developers to make a fucking Walmart to which the Congresswoman told me to fuck off and then had a staffer reach out to one of my friends in the Democratic party to ask me to “cool it” since the most important thing is defeating Trump and presenting a united front.

The Miami Heat are in the NBA Finals, which means fans across Miami and pretenders as far north as Boca are cheering them on as they take on Lebron James and the LA Lakers for the championship. If you’ve been a fan of the Miami Heat, you should know that it is a tradition for South Floridians to celebrate a Heat win by clanking together pots and pans while wearing a Chris Bosh jersey they got in 2013 that used to fit. “Only in Dade!” yelled one pot holding Heat fan who was too high and accidentally banged his Abuela’s ceramic vase in celebration until it shattered.

In an attempt to embrace this loud and obnoxious celebratory tradition, the Miami Heat announced that they will be releasing an official, limited-edition line of Heat-branded pots and pans so die-hard fans can celebrate in style.

The Plantain spoke to new Heat hero, 20-year-old Tyler Herro, and asked him what he thought about the Heat’s new product line and whether he is excited about being embraced by Miami’s fans. “Yeah, it’s cool” before snarling his upper lip. We asked the devilishly handsome boy how it felt leading the Heat to a finals showdown against former Heat legend Lebron James, to which the sexy, young, so-white-he-could-sell-shoes-at-a-Klan-rally player said “Um, do you want to talk to Jimmy or Bam? They’re really the two responsible for our playoff run.” Looks, talent, and humility!

We declined his offer because we had to get downtown for an interview with Duncan Robinson, and it isn’t because Jimmy and Bam are Black so don’t even think that’s the case we’re just really impressed that Tyler Herro had one really good game and therefore we’re going to put him on all of our Plantain/Heat branded merchandise and in the foreground of pictures in front of the perennial All-Star who willed this underdog team to a Finals appearance in the first place.

The Plantain reached out to former Heat champion Lebron James about his thoughts on the new line of pots and pans and whether he misses Miami’s unique cultural celebration. “Yeah, Miami was a great place to play and if they beat us in the Finals this year I might have to take my talents back to South Beach and play with Tyler Herro, Duncan Robinson, Goran Dragic, and the rest of the guys on that roster.”

The Heat-branded line of pots and pans are available on the official Miami Heat website as well as the Heat Stores located within the Dolphin Mall. The pots and pans are made in China which a representative of the Miami Heat’s Beijing office, Xian Lu, who is overseeing the manufacturing of the product line, told me was going “A-okay yankee-applesauce” before noting preemptively that China is a very good country with no human rights violations and how much he loves Tyler Herro.

Capitalizing on Miami’s ongoing fascination with driving poorly, spaghetti interchanges, and beeping at cyclists, the City of Miami Beach and the City of Miami jointly announced today the construction of a new 4-lane interstate class express road. Unlike other express lane construction in Miami-Dade, this newly announced I-305 project will be exclusively express lanes that cater only to wealthy South Beach residents willing to shell out $12+ each direction for an exclusive road, unobstructed by recently immigrated Uber drivers and abuelas talking on their speakerphones.

The construction will roughly follow NW 20th St in Miami, tunneling under Wynwood and Overtown. A tunnel was chosen for this area because both districts have already benefited from the pleasures of highway noise and exhaust. The expressway will then proceed over Biscayne Bay in a sweeping multi-million dollar arc causeway with blue LED lighting. The road will terminate at the 1111 Lincoln Road parking garage, a fitting monument to using expensive land to park more and more leased Maseratis.

Sofía Volga, resident of exclusive Sunset Harbor North complex in Miami Beach, expressed excitement to Plantain reporters. She looks “forward to soaring over the boats which keep blocking up the drawbridges on Venetian Causeway. Why they have to make me later than I am already I really don’t know.” Volga’s husband Sebastián, a real estate agent for Berkshire Hathaway who is also a DJ, agreed while adding that “the special exit into the new Trader Joe’s parking lot will really help Sofía drink more sangria, which she needs.”

José González, director of Miami Beach transportation, cut into the press conference proceedings to mention that this beautiful new highway project absolved everyone in the room of trying to build reliable public transportation. Despite Miami Beach being the single most logical place in Miami-Dade for Metrorail, another road soaring over Biscayne Bay is exactly what we need.

By Mike Garcia

The Plantain is, at its best, a waste of time during the day. And not even a very good one. Our most popular article is about a chicken worrying that Little Havana is being overdeveloped and how she is nervous she’ll be priced out of her home in a storm pipe behind a Navarro. That’s the sort of content we are most comfortable producing.

But more and more often, we find ourselves taking on the role of media critic when The Miami Herald does something inept or offensive or racist or anti-Semitic. That’s happening far too often these days and demonstrates a real issue that faces our community. It’s honestly exhausting trying to keep up with all of the Herald’s issues as of late and to come up with ways to spin them in a way that is either funny or not too preachy or tries not to concede that for many in Miami, the failures of the Herald’s leadership have irreparably tarnished the reputation of the paper as a whole.

So we decided to change things. The Plantain has partnered with Billy Corben and a team of independent journalists and editors to provide a new front page for Miami and a platform for editorial and analysis that is run by a board of locals from all walks of life whose only goal is to raise voices otherwise ignored by The Herald.

There’s not going to be any ads or sponsored content or conflicts of interest. Just the news you need from across Miami-Dade County located in one place so you can empower yourself to participate, hold our leaders accountable, and make Miami better. Will it work? Maybe. This is an experiment in independent, community-led journalism so if it is going to succeed it’s going to need your help. Join us at www.becausemiami.com to sign up to learn more about our mission and follow us on Twitter @BecauseMiami.

It shouldn’t be the responsibility of a satire website to try to save our mainstream journalistic institutions, but that’s the world we live in…Because Miami.

El socialismo es malo y el capitalismo es bueno. Lo sé porque mi papá me lo dijo cuando era niño y cuando escuché a un grupo de hombres parados afuera de una ventanita reiterar el punto después de ver a una mujer con un anillo en la nariz pasar cerca de ellos.

Sabemos que el socialismo es malo porque Cuba es socialista y es mala, y sabemos que el capitalismo es bueno porque Cuba es socialista, entonces el capitalismo es bueno. Bajo el socialismo, la gente muere y no puede pagar las necesidades básicas como comida y vivienda, pero bajo el capitalismo la gente podría permitirse cosas como comida y vivienda si trabajaran más duro.

A veces puede ser difícil saber qué es socialista y malo, especialmente en un lugar como Miami, donde todos saben que el socialismo es malo a pesar de que tenemos el nivel más alto de inscripciones de Obamacare en el país. Entonces, para ayudar a determinar si algo es socialista y malo, hemos creado esta lista:

La seguridad social, el Medicare y el Obamacare eran socialistas y malos, pero ahora son capitalistas y buenos. La expansión de la seguridad social, el seguro médico y la atención médica universal siguen siendo ideas socialistas y muy malas.

Si un programa del gobierno me ayuda, es capitalista, pero si ayuda a alguien más, es socialista.

Los proyectos de vivienda asequible financiados con impuestos son socialistas. Los estadios financiados con impuestos son capitalistas y buenos. Todos los deportes son capitalistas y buenos, excepto el hockey, que es popular en Canadá, un país socialista que es malo. Cualquier deporte popular en los países socialistas es socialista y malo, excepto el fútbol, que es capitalista y por eso Miami necesita otro buen estadio capitalista para el fútbol.

Conseguir trabajo en el sector privado es capitalista y conseguir trabajo en el sector público es socialista … a menos que uses tu trabajo en el sector público para criticar a los demás que consigan un trabajo en el sector público, en tal caso eso es capitalista y muy bueno.

Coconut Grove era socialista pero ahora es capitalista, excepto durante el King Mango Strut Festival, que es socialista.

Miami Beach es capitalista excepto durante Beach Week. Brickell es capitalista y Downtown es socialista, pero se está volviendo un poco más capitalista hoy en día. La Pequeña Habana es capitalista, pero la Pequeña Haití es socialista y no preguntes por qué, esto no tiene nada que ver con raza, cállate.

Coral Gables es capitalista, excepto Books and Books, que es socialista.

Las protestas son socialistas y violentas excepto si son contra algo socialista, en tal caso las protestas son capitalistas y pueden ser violentas porque el socialismo debe detenerse a toda costa.

Los reporteros del Miami Herald son socialistas, pero el personal editorial es capitalista. Excepto cuando apoyan a Daniella Levine Cava, que es una socialista que quiere causar sufrimiento dándole seguro médico a tu nieto y un tren a la playa.

La Bahía de Biscyane es capitalista y buena, excepto cuando está llena de peces muertos, lo cual es socialista y malo y probablemente podría arreglarse con más desarrollo a lo largo de la Bahía de Biscayne.

Los cheques de estímulo son socialistas, al igual que la asistencia social, que está sujeta a fraude. Los préstamos PPP son capitalistas y cualquier fraude que ocurra por parte de una empresa que busca uno es capitalista.

El transporte público es socialista y malo, excepto el Metromover antes y después de los juegos del Heat, cuando es capitalista y muy conveniente.

Los impuestos que se utilizan para el arte son socialistas y malos, con la excepción de las obras públicas de Britto que son buenas y capitalistas. La mayor parte del arte es socialista, excepto aquellos que se pueden comprar en Bed Bath & Beyond o que muestran a un hombre con un sombrero inclinado sobre su cara mientras fuma un tabaco.

El Nuevo Plantain es socialista y malo. OnlyinDade es capitalista y bueno. Toda sátira es socialista y todos los videos de carros en llamas en la 826 son capitalistas.