I am heartbroken about Notre Dame. It’s really been terrible for everyone to watch the cathedral burn. Especially for me, because I have been to France. You haven’t been to France? Well, you should. Even though it won’t ever be the same again. Not without Notre Dame, which I have seen, by the way.France is such an amazing place with an indescribable je ne sais quoi, which is French by the way. I don’t “speak” French per se, but I picked up quite a lot during the 10 days I spent there in middle school and can still pretty much watch Amélie without subtitles and still know what’s going on.
I guess Notre Dame burning just isn’t as terrible if you haven’t seen it in person. Here, let me show you a picture of me standing inside the Cathedral from my trip. Now you get it. I really was there. The place was special to me. You understand that, right? Also, while I have you, let me show you some pictures of me last weekend at Coachella. I go every year, it’s a really spiritual experience.
Goat yoga? That’s so 2017. Miami’s next hottest fitness trend is alligator yoga.The brainchild of a double-amputee Jerome “Gatorbait” Villanova, South Florida residents are paying big bucks to stretch and meditate in front of his certified yoga therapy gators.
“I came up with the idea after reading about that goat yoga trend and realizing that I could use some money and that people will pay for just about anything,” said Gatorbait before unleashing several full-grown alligators on a class of hipsters and housewives.
“It’s super relaxing to just be around such majestic creatures who are as old as the dinosaurs,” said 33-year-old aromatherapy curator Christine Johnson of Brickell shortly before being killed. “Oh my god, why on earth did we think this was a good idea? Why couldn’t we just do regular yoga?” said Ashton Bunfield right after his own maiming.
When Jenny Basques walked in on her husband of six-years in tears Wednesday evening, she feared for the worst. “Baby, what’s the matter?” she said as she ran over. “Did your mother get the test results?””No, said Hernando, 33, as he stared misty-eyed at the television. “It’s Dwyane Wade’s last game and Budweiser put out a really sad commercial.”
“Are you fucking kidding?” Jenny responded to her husband, who she had never seen cry before and whose emotional unavailability had been a source of contention between the two for years.
“It’s just so sad, Wade has done so much for Miami since joining the league in 2003, except for that time he left for Cleveland and Chicago, which we don’t talk about. I’m gonna miss him a lot,” wept Hernando, who had only last month mocked his six-year-old son for crying after he fell off his bike.
“He told our son he was ‘being a pussy’ for crying after he fell, and it turned out he had fractured his elbow!” said Jenny as she blocked the couple’s son from entering the living room at the request of her husband. “It’s not good for a boy to see his father cry,” said Hernando as he blew his nose on his Wade jersey.
“Dad,” the man’s son called from the other room. “I know you’re sad and I just want you to know that I don’t think you’re a pussy and I love you very much.”
Touched by his son’s emotional maturity, Hernando took a breath, wiped the tears from his face, and met his son in the hall.
“I love you, daddy,” said his boy, widening his arms for a hug. “Thanks, son,” said Hernando, grabbing his sons hand and giving it a vigorous shake. Hernando’s refusal to tell his son that he loved him or to hug the young boy caused the child to well up, to which Hernando told his son to stop or “he would give him something to cry about.”
Miami Dade College students will soon be able to drive down Bird Road in their stepfather’s Corolla with a little more pride. The college announced that it has redesigned its parking decals to look more like the University of Miami’s, an effort the college thinks will encourage more students to attend their institution by eliminating the stigma attached to having a MDC decal on their car.
“This remodel could change a lot of people’s lives,” said Miami-Dade College President Eduardo J. Padron, who suggested the decal redesign after a valet attendant chose to assist an 18-year-old with an S-Class before him, a decision he believes was based solely on his parking pass.
In addition to increased valet attention, initial research suggests these new decals could also result in Miami-Dade College students getting towed 100% less than they did with the old decals. Students can also expect an average of three fewer middle fingers directed at them when they drive down I-95 (although an average of two more middle fingers when they are north of the I-4 corridor or anywhere in Ohio).
Armando Rodriguez was one of the first students to get the new decal and is very happy with the results. “I went on my first date since getting into MDC,” said the Miami-Dade College Sophomore who definitely plans on transferring. “I’m pretty sure she is also a MDC student, but she only agreed to go out with me because she thinks I go to UM,” said Mr. Rodgriguez. “I’m trying to get a fake UM student ID and sublease a condo in Brickell before our next date, if you know anyone.”
Not everyone is happy with the remodeled decal. University of Miami students are very upset that people who are of a lower economic status will be treated like they have the same money, privilege, and sophisticated drug habits as UM students. “MDC students obviously want to be us, but they need to find their own thing. Next thing you know they’ll be wearing tank tops every day no mater what the weather or occasion like us too.”
UM Junior Lawrence Lauren expressed his own concerns: “I hope these Miami-Dade College students just keep in mind that I’m better than them. Not academically, but because I have more money than them.”
Despite these objections, many are applauding the redesign. “The decal is finally letting our community college students feel comfortable in their community,” said President Padron. “Statistically, every single resident of Miami goes to Miami Dade College, so we think this decal will make a huge impact.”
Miami-Dade College students can pick up their new “UM” parking pass from office services. Similar parking decal redesigns are planned at Florida International University, which will introduce its own “FIUm” parking decals next semester, and at the University of Miami itself, where starting in 2020 students will be able to chose parking decals designed to look like popular “reach” schools Georgetown, Harvard, and NYU.
Where is the love for Udonis Haslem?Much has been made of Dwyane Wade’s final season for the Miami Heat, but everyone is sleeping on UD. While Haslem’s role for Miami has diminished over the last three seasons, he is still fucking awesome.
UD’s voice has been vital to the locker room and the Heat’s success. The 38-year-old Miami native is one of the team’s captains, and it’s not uncommon for him to mentor teammates on the bench during games or raise his voice at halftime — even before coaches enter the room — when things are not going to his liking.
“UD is always the guy who sets the standard for teammates,” Heat point guard Goran Dragic said.
Haslem, a Miami High grad and an undrafted free agent out of the University of Florida, has spent his entire NBA career with the Heat. He has been part of all three NBA championship teams in franchise history. Wade can’t say that. Shaq can’t say that. LeBron can’t say that.
Haslem is the Heat’s all-time leader in rebounds. He is the first undrafted player in NBA history to be a team’s all-time leading rebounder.
Let’s honor a legend and put a statute honoring what UD does best: Taking a charge.
PS. UD also has the best song written about a basketball player:
Twelve Miami Marlins and eight Boston Red Sox players were rushed to Jackson Hospital after a previously unknown retractable floor at Marlins Stadium’s was inadvertently opened during the National Anthem on Monday. The players sustained numerous injuries after falling 15 feet onto a concrete basement floor. Several dozen others sustained minor bruises that did not necessitate hospitalization. Billy the Marlin was killed.Upon being asked why the team had installed the patently dangerous contraption, Marlins CEO Derek Jeter responded with, “I don’t f—ing know! Ask Loria! I had no idea we had a retractable floor, either!”
When pressed on why he hadn’t done his due diligence before buying the franchise, Mr. Jeter gave this reporter the middle finger and slammed a door in his face.
Jeffrey Loria, the Marlins’ former president and sentient personification of all Seven Deadly Sins, was found hiding in a copper bathtub filled with hundred dollar bills and drumsticks.
“It’s branding, baby!” he exclaimed between mouthfuls of fried chicken. “You need the biggest, the best, the loudest, the craziest to draw in the fans! You need to spend money!”
I asked Mr. Loria whether he believed the purchase of such amenities was ultimately detrimental to the team’s wellbeing.
“Detrimental?” he retorted self-righteously. “You’re talking about it aren’t you? The press is writing about it! The fans are posting about it! You can’t buy that exposure! It’s the best thing to happen to the team in years! Jeter ought to be ******* my ****.”
When questioned on whether that money might have been better invested in the players rather than dubious stadium infrastructure, Mr. Loria looked at me as if I had grown an arm from my forehead.
“Who gives a **** about the players?” he asked with genuine confusion.
Mr. Loria then took a hearty bite out of a drumstick that he pulled from between his thighs and kicked me out of his house to count his money.
Written by Bobby D. Foster.
“I’m really into mindfulness now,” said Brenden Williams to literally everyone he encountered. “It’s really important to self-reflect and meditate,” said the 29-year-old, who also now identifies as a “raw vegan” and is literally the worst.Mr. Williams found that mindfulness offers him the opportunity to seem deeper than he is and to evade responsibility for years of dicking over his closest friends and family by claiming those actions were “in the past” and “not a reflection of my current manifestation,” whatever that means.
“I guess I’m glad Brenden has found inner peace,” said his ex-girlfriend of three-years, Marianna. “But I’m still pissed at him for cheating on me and then trying to gaslight me by accusing me of cheating on him when I confronted him and then stealing $4,000 from our checking account, and taking a bunch of my things from my apartment including a vinyl case of CDs that I had been carrying around since high school. But maybe he really has turned over a new leaf.”
The Plantain spoke to Brenden, who is taking a two-weekend teaching seminar so he can “help others” through mindfulness, about whether his new enlightened persona is authentic or just a manipulative tool that allows him to continue to emotionally abuse the people closest to him by pretending years of selfish behavior is somehow not attributable to his new “mindful” state.
“Nah,” replied Brenden as he placed a burned cd of Before These Crowded Streets into a yellow discman he also stole from Marianna’s apartment. “I truly am a better person now,” he said, adding only “I fuckin love Dave!”
Joe Biden gave what many are describing as a remorseful slap on the ass to Jennifer Steinmanson, a staff member who has publicly accused the former Vice President of inappropriately touching her. The “love tap”, as Mr. Biden called it, occurred at a private meeting arranged for Mr. Biden to apologize for previously licking Ms. Steinmanson’s forehead and, in a separate incident, noting that she was “top heavy.”When asked how he felt about the exchange, Mr. Biden remarked that he was “glad that the controversy was finally over with,” and noted without prompt that he “could tell Jennifer has been working out her glutes,” before going into a tangent about how he was “friends with Jane Fonda” and had recently binged the fifth season of “Frankie and Grace.”
In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Ms. Steinmanson said that she had personally forgiven Mr. Biden. “I think he means well, it’s just he needs to learn to respect personal boundaries,” said the 26-year-old Harvard Law graduate just before Mr. Biden walked by and said “lookin’ good, legs” with a wink.
“He refers to every woman in a skirt “Legs”,” said Ms. Steinmanson. “But I really do think he means well.”