Citing fears of mass-contamination from the Coronavirus, Art Basel has been canceled.

“What, this is terrible news!” said Miami Beach resident Darren Vanderdaren who uses Art Basel as an excuse to pick up women by talking about recently learned art facts, party with Adrien Brody, and do drugs. “I just learned what pointillism is,” he told us as he chucked his art book out of his condo’s 23rd story window. “I fucking hate art,” he said. Everyone does.

“At least we won’t have to deal with Art Basel traffic this year,” Coral Gables resident Hernando Martiz as he waited impatiently for traffic on U.S. 1 to ease up.

“Where is everyone going? There is a pandemic happening why is there still so much traffic?” he asked himself as he inched in traffic on his way to the Coconut Grove Flanigan’s to meet 30 of his friends and the Mayor for some rib rolls. “Until we take this virus more seriously we’re never going to get back to normal.”

“I’m really into mindfulness now,” said Brenden Williams to literally everyone he encountered. “It’s really important to self-reflect and meditate,” said the 29-year-old, who also now identifies as a “raw vegan” and is literally the worst.Mr. Williams found that mindfulness offers him the opportunity to seem deeper than he is and to evade responsibility for years of dicking over his closest friends and family by claiming those actions were “in the past” and “not a reflection of my current manifestation,” whatever that means.

“I guess I’m glad Brenden has found inner peace,” said his ex-girlfriend of three-years, Marianna. “But I’m still pissed at him for cheating on me and then trying to gaslight me by accusing me of cheating on him when I confronted him and then stealing $4,000 from our checking account, and taking a bunch of my things from my apartment including a vinyl case of CDs that I had been carrying around since high school. But maybe he really has turned over a new leaf.”

The Plantain spoke to Brenden, who is taking a two-weekend teaching seminar so he can “help others” through mindfulness, about whether his new enlightened persona is authentic or just a manipulative tool that allows him to emotionally abuse the people closest to him by pretending years of selfish behavior is somehow not attributable to his new “mindful” state.

“Nah,” replied Brenden as he placed a burned cd of Before These Crowded Streets into a yellow discman he also stole from Marianna’s apartment. “I truly am a better person now,” he said, before leaving me to attend a private meditation class with a 19 year old girl he found online and definitely plans to have sex with.

“Oh, and can you say my name Guru Amos Love Singh,” he asked me before plugging in his headphones and saying “I fucking love Dave Matthews!”

Between interviews on local television and releasing a rap song that surprisingly fucks, the ‘Only In Dade’ crew is having quite a month. Now those crazy Jabberwockys are at it again with the launch of a new Insta page “Also in Broward.”

“I was in Pembroke Pines looking at affordable housing options and saw a naked man riding a moped that was on fire and was like ‘ONLY IN DADE!’ but then some old man wearing a Lacoste shirt stopped me and told me that stupid shit also happens in Broward,” said one of the sites masked founders who asked that we not reveal his identity. “I can’t risk it, you know. Life can be dangerous for an internet mogul,” said the unidentified man before offering to sell me an Only in Dade shirt from the trunk of his suped-up Mazda.

The Only in Dade crew had to update some of its cultural references for a Broward audience. For example, where Only in Dade features jokes about croquettes, cafecitos, and Versailles, Also in Broward has jokes about cheese sandwiches, mountain dew, and Arbys.

“We want to make our Broward audience feel like we understand the dumb shit that makes them unique. So instead of like a joke about an Abuela throwing a chancleta at her grandson for talking during Walter Mercado, our Broward page will have a Bubbe feed brisket to her grandson as she sort of racistly explains why she left Miami after Hurricane Andrew.”

“I think this is great,” said Coral Springs resident Nathan Something-White, of the new Always in Broward page. “Broward has everything Miami has plus like a ton of Arby’s, it’s about time we got a hot meme Insta and a catchphrase,” said Mr. Whitename as he bit into a cheese sandwich at Arby’s. “ALSO IN BROWARD, DUDE!” he said before chasing it down with some Mountain Dew.

Update: The Plantain will be launching its own Broward specific satire website called The Oxycontin, a reference to Broward County’s chill attitude and horrible prescription drug problem.

ALSO IN BROWARD, DUDE!

“We start with the freshest ingredients,” said Sergio Mendoza, owner of “Biscayne Bay Sushi”, an unregistered food truck that can usually be found operating on NW 71st Street unless Sergio is staying with his girlfriend Yami in Kendall.

“We got lobster, stone crabs, all sort of random fish for sashimi, plus all our meals come with rice and plantain chips,” said Mr. Mendoza. “Why go to Joe’s if you can get good food from my truck for like $10 bucks?” he asked seriously, poor thing.

But business hasn’t been so great for the aspiring club promoter. “I would have thought what with all this economic turmoil or whatever people would be lining up to try my sushi,” said Sergio, who also acts as the truck’s chef. “I watched like 7 Youtube videos and half of Jiro Dreams of Sushi, so I know what I’m doing. I don’t know why there aren’t more customers.”

Biscayne Bay is full of shit and Sergio serves fish that died as a result of unhealthy water conditions,” said Miami Herald Food Editor Carlos Frías. “Can you actually attribute me as “James Beard-winning Food editor, Carlos Frías?.” We declined.

When asked to respond to allegations that he was serving fish that perished in Biscayne Bay, Mr. Mendoza was quick to explain. “That’s not totally true. We also serve lobster and like a few frogs. Biscayne Bay is like locally sourced, so it’s healthy. We even found a chicken that drowned in there. It’s so much fresher than Chicken Kitchen.”

We declined Mr. Mendoza’s offer of a lobster roll and a bootlegged Miami Heat jersey for $13 dollars, as well as his follow up offer of “okay, bro make me an offer then, what – you don’t remember Norris Cole?”

After leaving the truck, the Plantain called the City of Miami’s code department but was told they did not have the resources to investigate Biscayne Bay Sushi on account of all of the one lawyer they are going after for working at home for shady fucking reasons. “It has nothing to do with the fact that he sued us a bunch of times,” they told us preemptively.


OHhhhh. And if you do want to further support the Plantain consider buying some of our new merch. We owe $50 for our stupid website’s servers because we’re too lazy to optimize our Google ads.

I’m not four years old. I just want to get that out of the way. I know I can sometimes seem juvenile, what with all of the toilet humor, but I am definitely not four. Twitter doesn’t believe me.

This is a true story: I was on the toilet Sunday evening for a little more time than usual on account that I had eaten three artichokes. As I was scrolling through tweets about Katherine Fernandez Rundle covering up the death of Darren Rainey and about how David Rivera was caught raising money for Maduro’s government, eagerly awaiting last night’s election where they…both won somehow, I noticed something odd about the Plantain’s Twitter profile. It said we were 33 years old.

But The Plantain is not 33 years old. It is only four years old. The Plantain actually started right before Trump won somehow in 2016 — our first article was about Marco Rubio dropping out of politics to sell hoverboards at Bayfront Marketplace. Remember, there was a moment after Rubio lost the 2016 election that he said he was going to retire from politics. And that coincided with when those hoverboard things were being sold everywhere before people figured out that they could blow up and that sometimes it’s okay to just walk. Such simpler times.

So I changed the Plantain’s birthday from my birthday, which I used when I signed up for the account, to when the website started. And as soon as I did our account was locked because four-year-olds are not allowed to use Twitter despite Alan Dershowitz’s pleas. I have submitted a ticket and ID that proves I’m not in pre-K, but there is no telling how long it will take to get it back. So…follow our new twitter account: @ElNuevoPlantain
Milo

OHhhhh. And if you do want to further support the Plantain consider buying some of our new merch. We owe $50 for our stupid website’s servers because we’re too lazy to optimize our Google ads.

The Miami Herald’s endorsement of Katherine Fernandez Rundle is complete trash. Total shite. They should be embarrassed of themselves and the fact that their editorial board is so bad at their job that they have to be called out by The Plantain, a comedy website that publishes articles that are exclusively written while I’m on the toilet on break from my real job.

It shouldn’t be up to me to do this. I have work to do and would rather write an article about pastelitos or something silly and get those easy clicks. But that’s the world we live in. So let’s talk about this endorsement.

Here are some facts about Katherine Fernandez Rundle:

She has held her position for 27 years but has never charged a cop with an on-duty killing.

She hid evidence about the murder of Darren Rainey, a man who was scalded to death while in police custody, and never charged his killers.

She has lost so much support in the community that the Democratic party of which she is a member has asked for her to suspend her relection campaign.

Each of those sentences links to a Miami Herald article about KFR’s incompetency. It appears the Herald’s editorial staff were blocked by a paywall and couldn’t read them because they endorsed her over Melba Pearson, a criminal reform advocate and long-time assistant state attorney who promises to hold police accountable and not, you know, let them get away with fucking murder.

The Miami Herald’s endorsement of Katherine Fernandez Rundle is complete trash. Total shite. Very embarrassing. But that isn’t new, actually. The Herald has previously endorsed Miami Beach Commissioner Ricky Arriola and he’s spent the entire pandemic spouting off alt-right conspiracy theories about how the virus is fake and masks are like mind control devices. You can scroll through his Twitter account HERE and read the garbage he spews for yourself. The Herald has never reported on his dangerous claims and their editorial staff has never apologized for their shite endorsement of him. In fact, The Miami Herald never goes back and self-reflects on the endorsements they make.

Maybe they should. So, let’s take a look at some other Herald endorsements they drunkenly published and now hopes everyone forgets about:

The Miami Herald recommended Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, a woman who has repeatedly claimed that she was ABDUCTED BY ALIENS for the Republican Candidate for Congress.

The Miami Herald Recommended Jose “Pepe” Diaz, a man who was caught on camera driving drunk and using his office to get out of being arrested for County Commissioner.

The Miami Herald recommended Deede Weithorn, a woman who made up the fact that she went to MIT, for State Representative.

Crazy. I know.

So while The Herald’s lack of credibility when it comes to making recommendations for public office is not new, the Katherine Fernandez Rundle endorsement goes beyond their occasional incompetence. Unlike their previous endorsements of Covid-19 deniers, alien abductees, drunken commissioners, and people who lie about where they went to college, keeping Katherine Fernandez Rundle in office will lead to even more discriminatory killings by police officers in our community and the further degradation of our rights.

As a country, at this moment, we are rethinking how we should be policing our communities. We all agree police reform, in some capacity, is necessary. And whether that means reallocating police budgets to social services or funneling even more money to departments so they can better train officers is being debated at all levels of government. But police reform is IMPOSSIBLE if the police believe that they can operate without oversight of the State Attorney. And in Miami-Dade County that is not something that is even debated among our officers. Katherine Fernandez Rundle does not charge cops with crimes. FULL STOP. We have 27 years of empirical evidence on that fact. The Herald knows her record, but today presented it as “valuable experience.” The only way in which KFR’s experience is of value is if you see no value in the lives of the people who will never see justice because of her career-long inactions.

KFR’s shortcomings as a prosecutor are not old news. Just a few weeks ago, WLRN reported for the first time how she diverted millions of dollars extorted from criminal defendants to a non-profit that she secretly controls. The Herald didn’t report on that. Financial irregularities not of interest to you? Well, just last month she decided not to charge another office with shooting an unarmed teenager. The Herald didn’t report on that either. The Plantain did. So did the New Times. If Katherine Fernandez Rundle is elected again there will only be more articles like this, more grieving families, and more distrust between our police force and those they are sworn to protect.

As you can tell, I’m angry at the Miami Herald right now. I’ve been on the toilet for over an hour writing this and my legs have gone completely numb. What makes this so frustrating is that I love the Miami Herald. I support the Miami Herald. I even wrote three emails to the Miami Herald asking if there is anything The Plantain could do to help engage younger readers considering we get several hundred thousand people on our website every month, most of whom are 20-40 years old, and who only experience local news coverage through the stupid articles I write on the toilet. No one wrote us back. So what is left for me, a Herald fan with a platform, to do but to call them out when their stupidity puts our community in danger?

It makes me sad to see an institution I depend on not take its role in the community seriously and to watch this dereliction at a time when The Herald is doing poorly financially and finding itself increasingly unable to compete despite the fact that it has a staff of FUCKING GREAT reporters like Julie K. Brown, Doug Hanks, David Smiley, Nicholas Nehamas, Joey Flechas and countless others who don’t follow me on Twitter so they are dead to me. Endorsing Katherine Fernandez Rundle degrades the Herald as a platform. We can pretend it doesn’t, but it does. And at a time when the President of the United States has trained a sea of illiterate hillbillys to call every fact they don’t like “Fake News,” it’s decisions like this that make it more and more difficult for those of us that have spent a lifetime appreciating the Miami Herald to stand up for our paper of record.

The Plantain IS fake news. But we take that role seriously. Every article we write is sourced, often with Miami Herald articles written by great reporters. Every opinion we publish, even if surrounded by fart jokes, we take seriously because we know that when someone reads an article we put out about a local issue, that may be the ONLY interaction that reader has on the subject. The impact of a Miami Herald endorsement is not what it was. But it still means something, for now. It is decisions to endorse candidates like Katherine Fernandez Rundle that makes me wish the Miami Herald took its role as our paper of record at least as seriously as I do the slapdash toilet content we put out.

OMG my feet are totally asleep.

Milo

In a daring broad daylight heist, thieves stole hundreds of canvases and sculptures from the Romero Britto Art Store located in the Miami International Airport.Jacinta Fernandez, manager of the airport location informed the Plantain, “A frequent flyer inquired about a possible holiday discounts on a painting of a smiling flower he has had his eye on for two years. We informed him that we don’t do holiday discounts as that would interfere with our year-round perpetual sale. That’s when we noticed that the smiling flower painting was gone! Along with 57 other semi-original works and prints that all look the same.”
“This immediately raised our concern for our hermana stores in Lincoln Road and Wynwood.” Her calls to these stores quickly revealed that over half the inventory was missing. “We were so surprised! Over half the inventory on the gallery floor showroom has been missing since before Thanksgiving—and no one even noticed,” said Alvaro Caseres, assistant manager of the Miami Beach Lincoln Road Mall location. “It is hard to keep inventory when you can’t distinguish one piece from another.”
“Then we remembered the recent Walk of Fame star that Romero was just awarded in March–we feared it, too, might be stolen,” said Fernandez, referring to the concrete-encased Britto star located at the Bayside Walk of Fame which features sidewalk stars designed by Britto himself to honor accomplished and famed Miami personalities. But, after some searching, Britto’s star was found, safely located under a postcard rack.
Some art critics have speculated that the stolen works were removed to be sold on the black market during Art Basel. Myra Lebowitz, owner of the prestigious Miami-based, Lebowitz Gallery said that “People will pay for anything once they perceive it to have value. That’s what keeps me in business.” A source wishing to remain anonymous leaked to The Plantain, “His stuff is crap—I ought to know, I manage his Miami Beach store. Whomever took it was just trying to do the art world a favor.” Still, others have hinted that Britto himself removed the works to create a media stir to boost sales.
Miami-Dade Aviation Police Officers investigating the robbery reviewed the airports surveillance camera system, which revealed a sole, sweatshirt hoodie-wearing thief carting off Britto’s oeuvres d’art in several trips, stacking the “art pieces” by a terminal trashcan where they remained until the cleaning staff carted them off to the dumpsters. When confronted by investigators about his involvement, Airport janitor Hector Esquival added, “I don’t know jack shit about art, but I do know trash. And that stuff I threw out was trash.”
The mystery may never be solved according to Detective Ashley Ramirez, who said the investigation to find the art thieves will be ending soon. “It is difficult for our department to devote resources to this case as the items that are missing have zero value.
Romero Britto, 54, renowned Brazilian neo-pop artist who has resided in Miami since 1989, came to fame in the mid-1990’s with his colorful, child-like style that appealed to the masses and quickly became capitalized in the form of reprints, sculptures, key chains, ATM machines, fashion wear, fire hydrants, and a legion of tchotchkes. Stores began opening up in malls and airports in other cities in order to vie for a market share from their main competitor, Hello Kitty stores.
With an estimated net worth of nearly 70 million dollars, Britto is not just content to afflict the art world; a declared conservative, he has held fundraising events for Republicans, including election losers Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush.
Britto colorfully declined to be interviewed for this article, instead offering to sell us a Britto iPhone case for 30 bucks.
By Lisa W. Hopper, staff writer for The Plantain

The Sedano’s Supermarkets chain has launched new ethnic food aisles in 25 of its Miami locations as part of a strategy to target the growing segment of White millennials moving to Miami’s urban core.

Products featured in the new “Anglo” aisles include almond milk, brussels sprouts, goji berries, kombucha, gluten-free crackers, and assortments of artisanal jams sold in mason jars.

“South Florida is a community of immigrants,” said Carlos Perez-Santiago, a Sedano’s spokesperson. “We are proud to provide our newly arrived Anglo neighbors with food from their homeland.”

At a recent opening in Little Havana, local resident Andrea Figueroa, 55, wandered into the new aisle and was delighted with the interesting foreign offerings.

“There are so many amazing, exotic foods to sample,” Ms. Figureoa said as she examined a can of beets. “These Smucker’s Uncrustable are unbelievable! Who would’ve thought to put grape jelly in an empanada? Another great Anglo delicacy.”

Blake Miller, 24, who recently emigrated from his homeland of St. Louis to Midtown, said he was able to find many of his favorite comfort foods in Sedano’s new Anglo aisles.

“Knowing there is a place in Miami that sells Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper does a lot to help with the homesickness. Whenever I’m missing my homeland, I go and buy a box and, before too long, I am enjoying a home cooked meal just like my mother used to make,” Mr. Miller said.

Sedano’s will continue to focus its efforts on targeting Miami’s growing Anglo market, and has plans to brand one of its new stores as “Sedano’s Flavor”, which will feature traditional Anglo-American foods throughout the store and have an in-store buffet restaurant that will be jointly operated by Golden Corral.

“White people love buffets”, said Mr. Perez-Santiago. “I don’t get it, but we look forward to giving them an all-you-can-eat taste of home.”

By Manuel Del Fango IV


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Chinese developer Hank Greenbaum (汉克·格林鲍姆) announced plans to develop the world’s tallest building in Miami on U.S. 1 right next to the Taco Rico. The 195-floor building will replace the property’s current occupant, a vape shop.

“We searched all over the world for a place to build a building of this size and knew we had found the right spot when we saw this narrow area of land alongside already congested U.S. 1.,” said Mr. Greenbaum. “Nothing screams ‘this is the perfect location for a giant building’ like the lack of a setback,'” he said, adding that the already existing nearby Starbucks and taco stand sealed the deal. “I love tacos and building skyscrapers, what can I say?” said Mr. Greenbaum.

The Plantain asked the developer how his building would impact traffic along the already congested highway, to which he told us to “fuck off.” He had the same answer when asked about whether there would be public financing for the building.

Construction will begin on “Gimenez Tower” in the summer. When asked how they decided on the name, Mr. Greenbaum said it was to honor his friend Mayor Carlos Gimenez who promised to push this terrible idea through in exchange for hiring his son as a lobbyist and giving a campaign contribution to his Congressional bid. “We need more men like that in Washington,” said Mr. Greenbaum before leaving to catch his plane back to Hong Kong.

Katherine Fernandez Rundle has spent her career cultivating a reputation as the pro-cop, law & order prosecutor. In fact, in her 27 years as Miami-Dade’s State Attorney, she has never prosecuted a police officer for an on-duty killing. “She’s the perfect State Attorney as far as I’m concerned,” said Miami-Dade Police leader Javier Ortiz before roughing up a young woman for no good reason.

“She’s just a lovely woman,” said Mr. Ortiz as he sipped a milkshake from Shake Shack he would later claim was poisoned. “We thought for sure she’d be pressured by the radical Black Lives Matter movement to charge an officer who murdered an unarmed teen earlier this month with murder, but good ol’ KFR said there was not enough evidence and let that officer go. I love that woman,” said Ortiz before making himself throw up.

But in the wake of national unrest caused by widespread police brutality, Katherine Fernandez Rundle’s pristine record of doing absolutely nothing to discipline bad cops is under fire. On July 7, 2020 the Miami Democratic Party passed a resolution urging KFR to drop out of the race, a shocking move not reported by the Miami Herald at the time of this stupid parody’s publication.

“I don’t understand why everyone is being so mean to me!” the State Attorney told me in an interview. “I’ve only been in this job for 27-years! How many cops do they want me to have arrested?” she asked.

“More than none?” I responded but was told she was being rhetorical.

“It’s not like I’m purposefully turning a blind eye to police brutality,” said the 70-year-old as she deleted hundreds of emails and requests for comments sent to her about Miami-Dade Police Officers beating up and pepper-spraying demonstrators protesting police violence.

“If I had evidence to convict a police officer I would certainly prosecute one,” she said, explaining that there just has never been any evidence of a crime committed by an officer in the line of duty since she took office in 1993. “It’s a testament to how great Miami’s police are,” said KFR, adding “and believe me, if there was evidence I’d know about it because the cops I’m being asked to investigate are the ones who gather the evidence of their own alleged crimes.”

Katherine Ferndanzes Rundle is being challenged by Melba Pearson who is running on a radical platform of putting police officers who murder members of the public in jail. “She’s so radical! She’s basically Antifa!” said KFR before adding, “Plus, we don’t want socialism in this Country! Maduro is a monster! NASCAR should let people fly whatever flag they want!”

When asked whether if re-elected she would promise to prosecute more police, Ms. Ferndandez-Rundle informed me that I had violated campaign finance laws by asking that question. “How is that possible?” I asked, to which the veteran prosecutor said that she felt threatened and called the police to have me arrested for unlawful assembly and mayhem which was later superseded to aggravated assault on a police officer which was later superseded to attempted murder which carries with it a sentence of up to 25 years in prison.

“But I didn’t do anything but ask Katherine Fernandez Rundle a question!” I told the prosecutor who said that it was KFR’s word against mine and that it was in my best interest to plead down to felony battery since I’d be out of jail in only 3 years. I agreed.

“Katherine Fernandez Rundle is a great prosecutor who I wholeheartedly endorse,” said one of the Miami-Dade corrections officers I was assigned to on my first day of prison.

“Why do you like her so much?” I asked him as he led me to the prison’s shower.

Cause I literally murdered a man named Darren Rainey by trapping him in a hot shower while he screamed for two hours until his skin fell off the bone and she didn’t even prosecute me or nothing,” he said, adding, “I mean, that’s nuts, right? I boiled a man alive on my job and she was like ‘it’s cool, just try not to do it again.’ Anyway, take off your clothes it’s time for a shower.”

“I don’t think I want to take a shower here,” I told the officer before being told in no uncertain terms that it was not optional.

EDITOR’S NOTE: After posting this article I sent an email to the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office asking Ms. Fernandez-Rundle to charge me with violating election law since I think it would be really good publicity for the website. Typically, she declined to prosecute citing lack of evidence.