As the people of Cuba rise against their authoritarian government, social media has seen a flood of posts from people who don’t know the first thing about Cuba showing their half-assed support for the tiny island.
“Cuba Libre, man…you know?” said recent Miami transplant and self-proclaimed “Bitcoin Maximalist” Desmond Thomas when asked about publishing the following post to his 119 followers on Twitter:
“I was trying to say “Cuba Libretad” which means, like, freedom for Cuba but it autocorrected to “Library Tad,” said Desmond of his post. I also didn’t realize that was the Puerto Rican flag when I posted it.”
Desmond quickly deleted his post but one person screenshot it and posted it to his own 400 followers as an example of everything wrong with the world or something. “This post is so disrespectful! How dare he mention Cuba Library Tad (his phone also autocorrected) with a picture of Che Guevara as his avatar and an emoji of the Puerto Rican flag.”
When asked about why he had a notorious murder as his avatar, Mr. Thomas embarrassingly explained that it was actually a picture of Maddox, an internet celebrity from the early 2000s that no one has any clue about anymore. “Google him! It’s not Che Guevara.”
After pulling out his phone to show me that indeed Maddox was not Che Guevara, Mr. Thomas continued “Look, I was trying to support my ‘gente’ here in Miami. I didn’t know the Maddox picture would offend anyone or that these flags look all the same,” Mr. Thomas said about his mistake while eating a Cuban sandwich at Sarussi Subs that the fucker put ketchup on.
Halfway into his sandwich, one he insisted is the best in Miami, he was thrown out of the restaurant by the restaurateur who overheard him say he had confused the Cuban and Puerto Rican flags.
“Oye! You disrespect Cuba when you compare us to a shithole like Puerto Rico,” said the restaurant’s owner Armando Diaz-Balart-Balart who, to be honest, after he said, it we didn’t know what to do. There is some real inter-Carribean supremacy that we are not prepared to cover as a publication.
“Look! The two flags, Cuba and Puerto Rico, they look the same!” said Mr. Thomas as he was hit in the head with week-old pastelitos like throwing stars. “They have the same color palette and design! Ouch! Why isn’t there a more diverse design scheme among flags?”
Following his beating, we spoke to Thomas, who was clearly apologetic and vowed to better educate himself. “Cuba. Blue stripes. Blue stripes. Cuba. Puerto Rico. Red stripes. Red stripes. Puerto Rico,” he repeated over and over to himself.
The Plantain asked Mr. Diaz-Balart-Balart his thoughts on the recent instability in Cuba and other island nations with a large expat population in Miami like Haiti, which is itself still reeling after the murder of Haitian president, Jovenel Moïse. The question upset Mr. Diaz-Balart-Balart, who started yelling at me for comparing Cuba to Haiti as he hit me in the head with a codfish croqueta, which is objectively the worst type of croqueta.
The Plantain unabashedly stands with the people of Cuba 🇵🇷 🍌 🇵🇷
Please support the following orgs and accounts doing incredible work right now: