As the people of Cuba rise against their authoritarian government, social media has seen a flood of posts from people who don’t know the first thing about Cuba showing their half-assed support for the tiny island.

“Cuba Libre, man…you know?” said recent Miami transplant and self-proclaimed “Bitcoin Maximalist” Desmond Thomas when asked about publishing the following post to his 119 followers on Twitter:

“I was trying to say “Cuba Libretad” which means, like, freedom for Cuba but it autocorrected to “Library Tad,” said Desmond of his post. I also didn’t realize that was the Puerto Rican flag when I posted it.”

Desmond quickly deleted his post but one person screenshot it and posted it to his own 400 followers as an example of everything wrong with the world or something. “This post is so disrespectful! How dare he mention Cuba Library Tad (his phone also autocorrected) with a picture of Che Guevara as his avatar and an emoji of the Puerto Rican flag.”

When asked about why he had a notorious murder as his avatar, Mr. Thomas embarrassingly explained that it was actually a picture of Maddox, an internet celebrity from the early 2000s that no one has any clue about anymore. “Google him! It’s not Che Guevara.”

After pulling out his phone to show me that indeed Maddox was not Che Guevara, Mr. Thomas continued “Look, I was trying to support my ‘gente’ here in Miami. I didn’t know the Maddox picture would offend anyone or that these flags look all the same,” Mr. Thomas said about his mistake while eating a Cuban sandwich at Sarussi Subs that the fucker put ketchup on.

Halfway into his sandwich, one he insisted is the best in Miami, he was thrown out of the restaurant by the restaurateur who overheard him say he had confused the Cuban and Puerto Rican flags.

“Oye! You disrespect Cuba when you compare us to a shithole like Puerto Rico,” said the restaurant’s owner Armando Diaz-Balart-Balart who, to be honest, after he said, it we didn’t know what to do. There is some real inter-Carribean supremacy that we are not prepared to cover as a publication.

“Look! The two flags, Cuba and Puerto Rico, they look the same!” said Mr. Thomas as he was hit in the head with week-old pastelitos like throwing stars. “They have the same color palette and design! Ouch! Why isn’t there a more diverse design scheme among flags?”

Following his beating, we spoke to Thomas, who was clearly apologetic and vowed to better educate himself. “Cuba. Blue stripes. Blue stripes. Cuba. Puerto Rico. Red stripes. Red stripes. Puerto Rico,” he repeated over and over to himself.

The Plantain asked Mr. Diaz-Balart-Balart his thoughts on the recent instability in Cuba and other island nations with a large expat population in Miami like Haiti, which is itself still reeling after the murder of Haitian president, Jovenel Moïse. The question upset Mr. Diaz-Balart-Balart, who started yelling at me for comparing Cuba to Haiti as he hit me in the head with a codfish croqueta, which is objectively the worst type of croqueta.

Editor’s Note:
The Plantain unabashedly stands with the people of Cuba 🇵🇷 🍌 🇵🇷
Please support the following orgs and accounts doing incredible work right now:

Give To Cuba





By Bradford J. Treacle

Oswaldo Lopez didn’t expect to become a revolutionary change-maker at the City of Miami Gardens Police Department when he started his shift on Tuesday. It was shaping up to be just another day in his squad car watching old Dolphins highlights on his console computer.

“Most days I’m just parked at construction sites to block traffic or in front of a Whole Foods or Publix to keep any perps from thinking of doing anything,” admitted Lopez, a five-year veteran on the force.

“But I was on my way to Gloria’s Cafe- she always gives me free cafecito- when I saw a beat up Volvo station wagon with a Vermont license plate and a Greenpeace bumper sticker and thought: ‘Oh this guy’s gotta be a Communist, it’s my duty to pull him over for that.'”

Lopez followed the Volvo as it approached a four-way stop, then hit the lights as the driver drifted through to the right. The Volvo complied with orders to stop and exit the intersection, pulling onto the shoulder in front of a Navarro.

“It wasn’t until I was walking over to the driver’s window that I remembered the Chief had told us all off for trying to issue tickets to people for their political affiliations. I realized I had to come up with a reason to have stopped this guy quick or it’d be my ass. So I looked around for the first legal-looking thing I could find, and saw those big red STOP signs and thought maybe that would work.”

Lopez informed the driver that ‘STOP means stop,’ and when he was met with little resistance, he figured he was on to something.

“I took his license to run it and went back to my car and had an inspiration when I sat down. I figured I should look up stop signs and traffic laws on my computer, so I clicked away from that Brazzers video I had on and Googled “stop sign law.” Sure enough, there’s an actual, like, car law that this dude broke! So I wrote it down on a citation: failure to stop at a stop sign – Chapter 316 Section 123. You can’t make this stuff up!”

The driver accepted his citation and showed no indication he would dispute it in court. They parted ways, and Lopez gleefully called radioed the station to tell everyone what had happened.

“It turns out there’s all sorts of things you can bust people for doing while they’re driving,” claims Officer Ted Sykes, former beat partner and current best friend to Lopez. “Like when those hot cars on I-95 go 110 miles an hour and weave all over the lanes – we can stop them for that! I’d feel a little bad since we have a good time turning on our sirens so we can hit it and go across all the lanes, but still — the law is the law.”

Lopez was commended by his superiors upon returning to the station after his shift. Word spread quickly across the precinct that there was plenty of authority to be laid down on the busy streets of Miami. According to a random IT guy for, there were more hits on their site to search for motor vehicle regulations in the past week than in the history of state vehicle code.

Even back home, the celebration for Lopez continued. The officer’s wife, Marisol, received a congratulatory call from the precinct chief and accepted a $100 gift card to P.F. Chang’s from everyone at the department.

“I’m so proud of him,” shared a tearful Mrs. Lopez. “I haven’t been this proud of him since he got those racial profiling charges acquitted.”

Miami drivers are encouraged to familiarize themselves with vehicle laws, since there is the shred of a possibility they may actually get pulled over for a legitimate reason some time, given the city’s driving habits.

Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control are celebrating the discovery of an inexpensive device that if used can reduce one’s chances of contracting Coronavirus by up to 95%. It’s a mask, you idiot.

“Coronavirus is a dangerous and highly contagious disease but the risk of infection can be greatly reduced by wearing a small mask on your face when you go to the store.”

This reporter asked his least favorite Aunt on Facebook about her reaction to the amazing discovery.

“Aunt Rosie, did you hear you can reduce your chances of catching Coronavirus by wearing a mask?????” I asked my mom’s sister before sending her several articles about the efficacy of wearing masks. Aunt Rosie is one of those crazy people you see on @KarensInTheWild. She watches Tucker Carlson every night and holds very strong opinions about 5G. I love her as much as I hate her.

I waited for Aunt Rosie to respond for several minutes, seeing ellipses come and go multiple times, only to eventually vanish. Fifteen minutes later I received a call from my mom telling me that “Aunt Rosie loves me but felt she had to unfriend me because I was trying to start a fight with her.”
“I sent her information about how wearing masks can save lives! How is that starting a fight?” I asked my mom. “We’re not going to have any family left if we don’t work to keep it together,” she said to me. I told her I wouldn’t try to message my Aunt Rosie anymore.

Aunt Rosie is the third Aunt I’ve lost this year. I lost my Aunt Anne during the protests after she took issue with posts I made that criticized the police for killing people black people and firing upon protesters for no reason. “I AM INCENSED THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER CRITICIZE THE POLICE” she texted me after seeing a post denouncing police brutality. Her son is a police officer and after she saw my post she called my mother and said she felt it was best that if there is a Thanksgiving this year our family celebrates it separately.

Then, a few weeks later, we lost my Aunt Beth to coronavirus. As in she’s dead. She decided to go to church without a mask on because it was not mandatory to wear a mask in the stupid little Texas county she lives in. “I know Jesus will protect me!” she wrote on Facebook two weeks before she died. He didn’t.

You’d think the loss of my Aunt Beth would force my family to take the threat of Coronavirus seriously. But it didn’t. My Aunt Anne is still so irrationally angry about the protesters that all she can say if you mention Coronavirus is: “If it’s so bad then how come you have thousands of people in the street looting?”

My Aunt Rosie, who convinced my Aunt Beth not to wear a mask by sharing links she sort of half-read about Carbon Dioxide poisoning and God’s Law, has become even more entrenched in her ways.

“Requiring someone to wear a mask is a violation of my rights as an American!” she told me at Aunt Rosie’s funeral. She had just lost her sister so I didn’t press it. My Facebook message to her was my attempt at education, but she can’t be educated. She is just so angry at everything, all the time, and that anger has caused her to polarize things I assumed we could always agree on. And because everything has become polarized to such an extent that even a message about how wearing a mask can prevent a deadly disease is seen as starting a fight or advocating for the degradation of personal liberties, she deletes me so her world view cannot be challenged.

So now the only thing my Aunt Rosie and I can agree on is we both have one less crazy person on our wall.

A compromise has been reached with activists demanding the U.S. government remove Thomas Jefferson’s statue from the Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C. on account that he was a slave-owning rapist.

For many, the idea of removing a memorial to the author of the Declaration of Independence is a sacrilegious affront to our nation’s history and one of our Country’s greatest minds, while others are okay with it because he was still a slave-owning rapist even if he was really really smart or whatever. The two sides appeared to be at an impasse when representatives from both sides met over Zoom and worked out a compromise: The Jefferson Memorial will remain but the statue of Thomas Jefferson will be replaced with a 19-foot tall marble likeness of Daveed Diggs.

A new viral movement swept Miami on Sunday when
thousands of white Miamians came out for “Solidarity Brunch,” bringing together casual outdoor dining and the need for racial justice and equality in America.

“We wanted to help shine a light on the issues black America is facing today,” said Solidarity Brunch co-creator Kaleigh Andrews. Rather than protesting, contacting political representatives, or donating to relevant organizations like Black Lives Matter or the Community Bail Fund, Andrews said she “felt like brunch was the best way to bring attention to this super important issue.”

Created by Andrews and her Brickell roommate Ashley Nicols, the viral movement, which saw brunches across Bal Harbour, Coral Gables, and Key Biscayne, began as the germ of an idea among friends. “It’s literally hilarious – we were having brunch and talking about how upset we were seeing these videos of police brutalizing black people and protestors clogging up our feeds – all of a sudden, this huge mass of people came by chanting ‘Black Lives Matter!’ We would’ve joined, but we still had half a pitcher of mimosa left. As they were just out of earshot, I whispered “Brunch Life Matters!” and Ashley turned to me and said:
“Oh my God, Kay – Brunch!”

“We instantly realized that we could use our voice, our passion and our anger for something greater than ourselves,” explains Nichols. Andrews made a graphic on her phone, triple-checked it wasn’t black square day again, and shared it on Instagram. By the time they got home, more than 1,700 people had shared it, including Brickell “Southern Comfort-style” restaurant “Gentry Fried.”

“It’s literally the least we could do,” said Gentry Fried owner Kyle Blake. “We wanted to make it loud and clear to our neighbors and our community where we stand on the issues of our time without actually saying or changing anything.”

To honor George Floyd, all of the brunch attendees ate pancakes and sipped mimosas in silence for eight minutes and forty-six seconds, the same amount of time Floyd is seen being held with a knee to his neck in the video of his arrest. “It really let us savor the flavors of the moment,” said one attendee who would not share his name for fear that there were better ways to help Black Americans he wasn’t aware of.

When asked whether the movement would be viewed as insensitive to protests going on across the country, Nichols was adamant that it wouldn’t. “Just this morning I shared a picture on my feed that said ‘Activism isn’t a one-way street’ – brunch is just our street. Plus, my Wag Walker is Black and I asked her about it and she said it was fine.”

Given how many shares their graphic received, Andrew and Nichols said they knew they had to start organizing. “It was really hard work,” says Andrews. “Tagging, commenting, emailing – organizing a movement is really hard work. I even made a couple phone calls. But we brunched, like, so hard for Black people.”

Nichols says one of the hardest parts of their work was deciding on a dress code. “Attending the Solidarity Brunch was important, but even more important was to make sure everyone knows that you went to the Solidarity Brunch…Seeing all of my white friends wearing all-white in honor of black people we don’t even know – it truly does prove that symbols speak louder than actions.”

The Plantain asked Nichols if the all-white dress code might be considered tone deaf for obvious reasons, but Nichols disagreed: “First of all, I don’t see color, and white and black aren’t even colors. Second, we put a lot of thought into this. “Everyone saw what happened when we posted the black squares without thinking too much about it. We didn’t make that mistake again.”

To aid their efforts, they hired professional photographers, videographers, social media strategists, and a public relations expert “so that everyone would know just how hard we brunched for Black people…That’s why we asked everyone who attended to use the hashtag #BrunchLifeMatters and #BLM.”

Andrews and Nichols worked with Blake to create several custom cocktails for the event, including the “Pepper Spray,” which featured Hennessy, blackberries, peppercorns, club soda and lime and had “a real kick to it,” said Nichols. But Andrews says the event was about more than just sipping cocktails while others marched.

“Solidarity Brunch was about bridging divisions, that’s why we split the from the drink sales evenly between the ACLU and the Police Benevolent Association. “I can’t believe I have to say this in 2020, but police need to be more benevolent towards Black people.” While she didn’t research what Policemen’s Benevolent Associations actually do, she said her intentions were more important than educating herself.

Asked to comment, a representative from the Police Benevolent Association said that they were happy to take these idiots’ money since there were no requirements to stop killing black people, profiling minorities, violating human rights, or tear-gassing peaceful protestors.

As for timing, Nichols says it was vital to host the brunch before Brickell residents moved on to “the next viral and social trend ” – which she calls a “real concern” considering how few Black residents she sees at the Brickell dog park, though she’s pretty sure there are at least two.

While Gentry Fried said they did discuss whether to
implement social distancing measures given black Americans are three times more likely to die of Covid-19 than their white counterparts, they decided it was more important to get as many people in the restaurant as possible. “This was our chance to make a difference,” Blake said. “We didn’t want to let the Black community down.”

“I had never experienced a global pandemic before” said 34 year-old Kendall resident Michael Stevenson. He recalled bravely surviving the 2014 ebola crisis from the safety of his Westwood Lakes home, a virus that killed over 11,000 people, including two Americans, and for which President Trump recently took credit for solving even though he wasn’t in office at the time.

Amid the Coronavirus crisis, toilet paper and paper towels have been flying off retail shelves, prompting Stevenson to join the fray. The unemployed aspiring app developer and self-described scientist had wandered the aisles of an Anglo Publix, a Home Depot, a Costco, a Target, and a Navarros, but found nothing but empty shelves. After driving around for nearly three hours, a visit to a Kendall CVS y Mas changed his outlook – and his life – forever.

After giving up on his toilet paper mission, he bought three tubes of Mentos at a self-checkout register before experiencing what Republican pop-psychologists refer to as an “epiphany.” “The CVS robot was printing out a seven-foot long CVS receipt, and in those six minutes, I realized — ‘just because they call it ‘toilet’ paper doesn’t mean it’s the only thing I can use on the toilet.”

“Paper comes from trees, and then they just press it into different forms. Coffee filters, paper plates, old cardboard Amazon boxes – it’s all just paper…” Stevenson thought. “What if I expanded my horizons?’ He hurried home to test his hypothesis before rushing back to the CVS for seven tubes of Hemorrhoid cream and Neosporin.

He says he wanted to test his theory on old newspapers, but couldn’t find a Miami Herald or a New Times anywhere. “Newspapers are especially important at a time like this. Not because of the news – I get my vital information from poorly-sourced memes my friends send me – but because of the quality of the paper. Thin, pliable, and dirt cheap. I mean it’s just pages and pages of gold.”

Stevenson says he’s planning to launch an app in the next few weeks wherein users can upload a photo of an object and the app will tell them whether they can wipe their ass with it. “It’ll be called ‘Wipe With It? 2’ [WWIII]. “My cousin stole the copyright to ‘Wipe With It? 1’ after I called to tell him about it. I’m hoping it goes viral,” added Stevenson before apologizing profusely for the pun and running to the bathroom to wash his hands.

Though he feels like he’s discovered a gold-mine, Stevenson says WWIII wasn’t even his first “aha” moment during the Coronavirus crisis. “I was employing ‘social distancing’” — the CDC-recommended method of staying at least six feet away from the nearest person — “and I realized I’ve already been practicing it for like a decade,” explaining that he had spent every weekend for ten years alone in his house with the lights off watching reruns of The Office. “Honestly, the coronavirus is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Update: In related news, The Miami Herald has reportedly quadrupled its hard-copy sales. A Herald spokesperson credited Mr. Stevenson, and by extension The Plantain, with single-handedly funding its pensions for years to come. “He truly is a genius,” said the spokesperson.