Drinks were not the only thing served at Miami’s hottest new night club, Club LAVA. Average looking woman, Paula Robinson has been sentenced to 8 months in jail for trespassing and disturbing the peace after casually entering the club while the bouncer had his head turned.

Witnesses say Paula was spotted being “friendly” and “enjoying the music” when the police were called to the club by shirtless bartender Kevin Fernandez. The bartender–who insisted we report “also DJ’s”–told authorities that he knew Ms. Robinson was not authorized to be in the club as soon as he spotted the 28-year-old graduate student nervously smiling in an off-the-rack pair of slacks and a light brown jacket.

“She was just standing there looking bland and unassuming,” said Mr. Fernandez, “I knew she didn’t belong.”

When police arrived they found Ms. Robinson sipping on a cranberry juice. Police captain Eduardo Morales said officers immediately recognized the culprit as she was the only woman in the club still wearing shoes. Although not confirmed, witnesses report the shoes may have been a pair of Easy Spirits with an orthopedic insert.

Even though local partiers were shaken up by the event, 51-year-old club goer and recent divorcee Alan Moskowitz applauded the club’s decision to remove the pleasant yet average looking woman. “The club has a duty to be visually discerning when it comes to who they let in the club,” said the overweight surgeon as he padded sweat from his receding hairline.

Following a short bench trial in which she was found guilty, Ms. Robinson told the Court that she was sorry and that she had only gone to the club because her sister advised her to “try to get out more.” Her attorney asked the court for leniency, noting that Ms. Robinson was only in the club for about 20-minutes and that any length of imprisonment would have a severe impact on his client’s life.

Criminal Court Judge David Eisenberg sentenced Ms. Robinson to 8-months in jail for her crimes, a sentence significantly more severe than that which would have been dealt to fellow Club LAVA attendee and handsome white-man Brock Turner, who had planned on raping Ms. Robinson before she was ushered out of the club by police.

By Amanda Bimstein

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>