Dirk Hilton, CEO of Vapor Shark announced at a press conference in South Miami that his company is planning to expand throughout Miami-Dade County, with a specific focus on taking over spaces currently occupied by your favorite childhood restaurants.

“Vapor Shark is excited about this next step,” said Mr. Hilton before exhaling a large plume of musty-smelling vapor drawn from a wand attached to a lanyard around his neck. “We look forward to continuing to offer the community a “healthy”, though not-scientifically confirmed, way for smokers to wean themselves off of cigarettes without all of the hassle or benefits of actually quitting smoking,” the Oakley-wearing 33-year-old added.

Since the launch of its first retail “vape lounge” in 2012, Vapor Shark has grown at a tremendous rate by marketing its products to teenagers and Linken Park fans. The company plans to add 16 new vape lounges over the next year, including in locations now occupied by several restaurants that you cherish but have not been to for years, including The Big Cheese, Swensons, Wall’s Ice Cream and Frankie’s Pizza. A location is also planned for the area of Pearl Art Supply that is not currently a fucking Mattress Store.

“It’s our goal to make our high-quality products easily available to the men and women of Miami-Dade County,” said Mr. Hilton before retreating to the washroom where he coughed up a small but noticeable amount of blood that he keeps telling himself is no cause for concern.

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