Bird Craps In Maduro's Mouth, 6 Dissidents Arrested on Conspiracy Charges

Bird Craps In Maduro's Mouth, 6 Dissidents Arrested on Conspiracy Charges

(CARACAS, Venezuela) — Venezuela’s Supreme Court on Wednesday ordered the arrest of 6 prominent opposition leaders in connection with an alleged assassination attempt against President Nicolas MaDuro.No, not in regards to the obviously bogus “drone attack” that occurred last week, but this time because of a sole Magnificent Frigatebird (Fregata magnificens) dropping a thick wet lumpy bird turd in President Maduro’s dumb despotic piehole. Forensic experts believe that the “turd” weighed anywhere from 3-5 lbs (1.3-2.2 Kgs) when it landed it Maduro’s slack jaw gullet. They assume that the dropping itself tasted briny and acrid with a sandy texture which is typical as the Magnificent Frigatebird forages near lagoons for small sea life and shellfish.

The moves to arrest 6 prominent opposition leaders threaten to deepen the country’s political crisis as opposition lawmakers accuse the government’s ruling party of using the alleged attack to clamp down on the opposition. A video circulating Tuesday on social media showed new angles of the giant drippy avian fecal matter completely obliterating Maduro’s otherwise useless and stupid talk box. In the video, you can see Maduro quickly spit the sticky white goop on the floor in what one analyst described as “The best thing to come out of President Maduro’s mouth in his entire garbage can life.”

During a national television broadcast Tuesday, Maduro accused the dissidents of complicity in the bird “attack” that he contends was an attempt on his life.

“The six suspects arrested face charges of treason, attempted murder, and terrorism. Investigators have linked a total of 19 people to the attack, as well as 14 birds, 8 capybaras, and an anteater at the Caracas National zoo who Maduro claimed always “creeped” him out” Chief Prosecutor Tarek William Saab said Wednesday.

Critics of Maduro’s socialist government said immediately after the bird “attack” that they feared the unpopular leader would use the incident as an excuse to round up opponents as he seeks to dampen spreading discontent over Venezuela’s devastating economic collapse. Which seems like an obvious understatement at this point.

No matter the outcome for the dissidents, or the native birdlife, we can all agree that for one brief moment a truly magnificent bird got to do what all of Venezuela wishes it could do, take a long hostile shit in “President” Maduro’s good for nothing mouth.