The Plantain can confirm that the FBI has uncovered evidence that the National Rifle Association spent upwards of $36.3 million dollars on a soft-influence campaign to alter the outcome of the literally hundreds of U.S. elections, including the 2016 Presidential Election in favor of Donald Trump.The evidence was uncovered through leaked public filings made by the NRA to the Federal Election Committee. “We have had knowledge that the NRA was trying to use its power, money, and influence to sway U.S. elections for some time,” said FBI field agent Bert Macklin. “This just proves it.”
This has been a tough week for the NRA. The pro-gun organization has come under intense scrutiny following the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School massacre, with literally everyone in the world upset that the organization has been able to influence U.S. politics in such a pervasive way that we have become the only nation in the world where frequent mass shootings are just sort of N.B.D.
Senator Marco Rubio, who has received more than $3 million dollars from the NRA (none of which he spent on hair plug treatments, so just shut up about it), said that although he received “a few bucks” from the NRA, it had absolutely no influence on his policies.
We asked the Senator whether that meant he would endorse gun reform legislation supported by most Americans, including a ban on assault weapons, to which for but a fleeting moment the Senator considered the question, internally debating whether he could really go on with the charade that automatic weapons were good for anything other than slaughtering innocent people, as well as how in the name of pure, political ambition he has allowed himself to take such a preposterous and, he knew, ultimately detrimental political position. “What would abuela in West Miami think?” pondered the Senator before realizing that the hot NRA spokesperson who paid him millions of dollars to get a boner for guns was standing behind him and probably armed. “She isn’t hot,” said my wife after reading this article.
“I would support an assault weapons ban if I really thought it would help,” said the defeated and balding Rubio.
Realizing a full ban on assault weapons is unlikely, state and local politicians throughout the country have proposed alternative reforms which they hope will get people off their back about all of the dead children they keep getting bothered about.
President Trump announced a plan to arm teachers that is being supported by a lot of people who frankly don’t remember how incompetent some of their teachers were. “Just think back to like your gym teacher. Remember how creepy he was with the girls in your grade? He is the type of person who is going to be given a gun. That’s insane!” said a commentator.
Meanwhile, Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel said on CNN that he believes the answer is giving police even more power and discretion to summarily detain people against their will, a proposal which sounds good at first until one remembers that we’re still in 2018. “Police aren’t off the hook yet, bro. We’re gonna get back to you in a minute,” said a different commentator. “Besides, wasn’t the Broward County Sheriff’s office the ones that missed like 39 warning signs that the shooter was homicidal and heavily armed? How is it a good idea to give those people more power?”
Sensing a changing political tide, the NRA has vowed to respond more seriously to mass shootings than it has done in the past, promising to “really pray our asses off this time” and to even “light a candle or two for the victims and their families.”
“It’s the least we could do,” said super hot NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch. “Literally.”
The NRA has also agreed to allocate $2,500 from its budget to send bouquets of flowers to the families of the 17 slain victims, as well more than $40,000,000 on lobbyists and political donations in 2018 to make sure every proposed common-sense gun regulation is blocked.
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