Move over Fontainebleau, the pool at the University of Miami, and the two blocks in the design district they no longer allow black people to visit, Miami’s hottest new spot for independently wealthy people to spend a weekday afternoon is Brickell City Centre.

Initially unwilling to spend the $40 to park at the mall, I was eventually tempted to visit by the promise of stores with unpronounceable names and an abundance of Patek Phillip watches for sale that for some reason no store would let me try on. Like, how did they know that I’m poor? I bet it was my shoes.

Unlike most malls which at least has a GAP you can go into to purchase a cheap sweater or take a nap in the dressing room, Brickell City Centre has no clothing stores that you can afford. The conciliation, of course, being that those clothes wouldn’t look good on your body type anyway, so there’s that. There is, however, a welcoming Bath and Bodyworks which you can escape to in order to momentarily pretend that you are back at Dadeland where trash like you belongs.

As for food options, standouts include Tacology and that place that people who have never been to Eataly say that it’s exactly like Eataly. Buyer beware: Tacology requires you to order on an iPad but still somehow adds an 18% service fee onto the bill without telling you they did it and then still has a TIP line on the receipt. The Nopali tacos are, however, delicious.

But it isn’t all fun. For those of you that come from family money and like the idea of saying you are an “entrepreneur”, WeWork offers a great place to both run your made up business and waste parts of your vast inheritance at the same time.

“It seems like you are just bitter because you are less wealthy and attractive than you want to be,” I said to myself in a moment of self-reflection. “Maybe those people aren’t so bad and you should just focus more on your own happiness instead of criticizing others for just living their life. You’re doing pretty good for yourself, why can’t you appreciate it?”

“I’m right,” said I, to me, “Brickell City Center isn’t so bad. It’s just not for me.”

“It’s spelled ‘Centre’ not ‘Center’, I reminded myself. “Oh, fuck this place,” I said, also now wondering if I’m schizophrenic.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>