At a press conference Thursday morning, Miami Beach Mayor Dan Gelber announced that his office has issued an executive order declaring brunch a basic human right for all Beach residents.

“In times like these Americans need to remain committed to our core principles of civil liberty, equality, and bottomless mimosas. I only wish I could guarantee brunch to every man, woman, and child in our State,” said the Mayor who is expected to run for Governor next year on a platform of economic and ecological reform, gun control, and universal access to brunch. “Everyone deserves to have some eggs benedict with cayenne peppers late on a Sunday morning,” he added.

Residents responded enthusiastically to the news, with many taking to the streets to celebrate what is being referred to as “The Brunch Declaration”.

“I can’t believe I lived to see this”, said 38-year-old bike messenger Joseph Gonzalez. “You live your whole life hoping against hope that the world sees the light, and suddenly it happens. My children will now have access to a future I never did”.

But not everyone is happy with the declaration. Local restaurateurs questioned whether Mayor Gelber’s declaration meant they could no longer charger patrons for brunch, or if this meant that Miami Beach’s government would subsidize the costs of the meals. The Mayor’s office has yet to respond to inquiries from The Plantain.

For brunch activist Michael Roman, Mayor Gelber’s Declaration is a step forward, but by no means a complete victory. “We will not rest until the entire world has the right to enjoy a drunkenly decadent meal between the hours of 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM at taxpayer expense. We cannot stop to congratulate ourselves until #brunchrights are enjoyed by all.”

The Plantain caught up with 17-year-old Liberty City resident Antoine Jackson to gather his thoughts on the move for equal-brunch rights. The high-school senior told the Plantain that he was happy for the residents of Miami Beach and hoped to one day enjoy a brunch on Miami Beach, but couldn’t talk long because he had to walk to a convenience store eight-blocks away from his home to pick up a box of generic Cinnamon Toast Crunch for his siblings to enjoy before school.

“It’s so fucking hot I need to bring a change of shirt,” said Mr. Jackson before adding “I hope the Miami Beach residents enjoy their free meal though.”

By Daniel Jimenez

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