Miami Beach residents were indifferent this past week when two men were found by police having sex in their car. “Who cares, that’s like the third best reason to own a car,” said everyone but your grandmother at the news.That indifference, however, turned to shock when Police discovered that the offenders in question were both Catholic priests.
Following that…REVELATION…the Catholic Church of Miami was quick to condemn all of those involved, expressing disappointment at the “disgusting and horribly immoral” sexual acts the two adults were consensually performing on and to each other’s holy bodies.
“The Church cannot condone this. We need to take a stand on this, and only this, the one type of sexual behavior we find completely intolerant!”, said Catholic Bishop Mordechai Rabinovitz (a convert).
“I mean there are certain things that priests might do that, while frowned upon, can be smoothed over so long as everyone keeps their fucking mouth shut. But this just disgusts me. Can you imagine? A grown man having sex with another grown man? God hates that shit.”
Plantain reporters attempted to discuss accusations that the Church has systematically covered up pedophilic and otherwise abusive acts perpetrated by Church officials on Children for years, but the Bishop felt they were not worth discussing and suggested if it really bothered us he could refer us to a different diocese.
by Daniel Jimenez