The City of Miami has declared a state of emergency and has implemented a citywide curfew following mass civil unrest and violence caused by the announcement that Cuban restaurants would be giving out free croquetas for the newly designated holiday “Croqueta Day”.The curfew was initiated following the announcement that Sergio’s Cuban Restaurant had sold its 20 millionth croqueta and had plans to give away free croquetas in celebration of the achievement. Within hours every Cuban restaurant in Miami had announced that they too would be giving away free croquetas.
“As soon as they announced today was croqueta day people lost their shit. People in Miami will do anything for the croqueta…anything,” said Little Havana resident Daniel Sanchez as he bit into a codfish croqueta before he began looting.
Within an hour of the announcement of free croquetas, Calle Ocho was under siege by hungry Cubans trying to avoid the $1.05 charge for the deep fried dish. Business owners were forced to board up their property along Eighth Street as croqueta-crazed looters ransacked any businesses brave enough to not have free croquetas on hand. The National Guard quickly arrived on the scene, but have sustained numerous casualties.
Seeking refuge from the violence, the Plantain found shelter north in Broward County, where we asked locals what they thought of the turmoil occurring in Miami.
“I don’t get it,” admitted gringo attorney Jason Ireland. “It’s just cheap ham that has been breaded and fried. It’s kind of gross when you think about it.”

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