The residents of Cleveland, Ohio awoke Monday morning to the news that their city won its first professional sports championship in 52 years and the stark reality that it changes none of the awful mundanities of living in North Eastern Ohio.
“Cleveland has had it rough,” said Ohio Governor John Kasich. “It has been very difficult for its residents to come to terms with the City’s decline over the last several decades, where it’s gone from rising industrial metropolitan to economically stagnant shantytown. But during this period, the one thing that kept Cleveland going was the beacon of hope that one day one of its teams would win a world championship, and the belief, no matter how silly, that the title would usher into the City a renaissance of art and economic development that would, at long last, make living in Cleveland bearable. The Cav’s championship wrests that hope away from the fine people of Cleveland. Now, there is no hope for these people,” remarked the Governor.
“At first I was elated,” said unemployed steelworker and Cavs fan Cole Hopkins. “For literally my entire life I was told that Cleveland’s troubles would be over as soon as we won a championship. But today I woke up and realized that the plant ain’t going to reopen just because we got a title,” said a dejected Mr. Hopkins. “Nothing is going to bring back those jobs.”
As the entirety of the city’s residents started to realize that they still lived in the center of the country’s taint, local activists began to organize a campaign to have its prodigal son, LeBron James, once again leave the Cavaliers.
“LeBron James has to go,” said lifelong Clevelander Ellen McGuinty as she threw his jersey into a bonfire. “We need to begin another championship draught as soon as possible in order to give Cleveland’s people hope and optimism that the City’s best days are not behind it,” said the 58-year-old former abductee as she basked in the fire’s heat while putting the unbearable 6 months of cold she experiences every goddamn year as far away from her mind as possible.