A team of forensic scientists at the University of Miami announced on Thursday that Congressional candidate Matt Haggman is actually a set of twins sharing one life. The discovery was made after Vickram Delsovey, a University of Miami doctoral student, received a notice that The Bethel Church tweeted a picture of Mr. Haggman giving a passionate benediction about the virtues of grace in public service only seconds after Mr. Haggman knocked on her own door to solicit her vote for the third time. “How could this guy be in two places at the same time? I had to get to the bottom of it.”
The following week, Mr. Delsovey attended several campaign events, cocktail parties, beach cleanups, fundraisers, and Make-a-Wish events, soliciting Mr. Haggman’s card at each event. It was not long before fingerprint testing of Mr. Haggman’s business cards revealed two distinct sets of prints.
When presented with the scientific evidence, Mr. Haggman admitted that he was, in fact, Patrick Haggman, Matt Haggman’s identical twin-brother, and that the two have occupied the same existence for the last six years. “It’s really the only way that I, er, I mean we, could handle our schedule.” The Plantain asked Patrick to connect us to Matt so we could get his thoughts on being discovered, but we were told that he was busy spending the day smiling as aggressive seniors interrogated him at a number of South Florida old folks home before flying to DC for a fundraiser held in his honor by a former Obama staffer.
Alberto Ibargüen, Mr. Haggman’s former boss at the Knight Foundation chuckled when presented with the information. “That actually makes a lot of sense. The guy is everywhere.”
The Haggmans announced that they plan to use their dual-identity to their advantage if elected, with Matt promising to remain at his Miami’s office while Patrick mucks around in D.C. “Patrick has always wanted to be in D.C. But my heart is in Miami,” said Matt.
EDITORS NOTE: After this article’s publication an anonymous source sent the Plantain proof that Davie Haggman, a third twin, otherwise known as a triplet, had been discovered in the candidate's/candidates' hometown of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Although initially reluctant to speak with The Plantain (whom he dismissed as "fake news"), when pressed about his brothers' candidacies, Davie Haggman said Matt and, to a lesser degree, Patrick were always "wicked ambitious pissers that always tried wicked hard to impress mom and pops because I’ve always been their favorite," said Davie, a shift-leader at MIT's second-most popular Dunkin Donuts.