Moments after a deeply divided Senate voted on Saturday to confirm Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, the United States Constitution self-destructed in a series of flames that left onlookers and the Nation stunned.Visitors in the National Archives Rotunda were in awe as they watched the Country’s foundational document destroy itself, many wondering if it was an act of terrorism, the set-up for the next film in the National Treasure series, or the end of the Republic as we know it. It turns out it was the latter.
After initial reports that the self-destruction was a prank by British street artist Banksy, the Plantain confirmed that the Constitution “just had enough of all this.”
“We should have known this was going to happen,” said Constitutional Scholar Malinda Carpenter. “The Constitution is, after all, a self-executing document.”
The iconic document is – was – well over 200 years old and served as the supreme law of the land before we fucked it all up over the last couple of years. “I’m out,” said the Constitution before she destroyed itself.
The Plantain asked newly sworn in Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh about how he will rule without the presiding document for his role, he responded – “It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t going to use it anyway. Now…get me a beer.”
By Anna Peacock.

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