Citing fears of mass-contamination from the Coronavirus, the Ultra Music Festival has been canceled.

The Plantain spoke to several elderly homeowner’s association members who, while nervous about a global pandemic, were happy the noise and traffic typical of Ultra weekend would be avoided. “It’s a shame this thing didn’t catch on a few months ago, we could have avoided Basel traffic as well,” said Ari Fautbreath of Sunny Isle before apologizing and admitting he is very scared.

But not everyone is happy about Ultra’s cancellation. “Tsk tsk tsk tsk era era voooooooooom, robot noise,” went a track “written” about the cancellation by DJ HotStuffRiot AKA Derek Walters, from his parents’ Aventura home. Mr. Walters was supposed to make his major festival debut at Ultra but will now be doing nothing that weekend because he has no other plans or girlfriend or friends because he has put all his time into his fledgling music career and everyone he knows is just sick of hearing about it.

“Vava va va, robot noise, electronic static, BROOOOOM,” he played before stopping to tell us how electronic dance music “literally saved his life” and how important Ultra is to the community of drug users and tank-top wearing frat boys who attend every year.