Citing fears of mass-contamination from the Coronavirus, Art Basel has been canceled.

“What, this is terrible news!” said Miami Beach resident Darren Vanderdaren who uses Art Basel as an excuse to pick up women by talking about recently learned art facts, party with Adrien Brody, and do drugs. “I just learned what pointillism is,” he told us as he chucked his art book out of his condo’s 23rd story window. “I fucking hate art,” he said. Everyone does.

“At least we won’t have to deal with Art Basel traffic this year,” Coral Gables resident Hernando Martiz as he waited impatiently for traffic on U.S. 1 to ease up.

“Where is everyone going? There is a pandemic happening why is there still so much traffic?” he asked himself as he inched in traffic on his way to the Coconut Grove Flanigan’s to meet 30 of his friends and the Mayor for some rib rolls. “Until we take this virus more seriously we’re never going to get back to normal.”