When Portland vegetarian Alyssa Milano-Milano ordered the “House Salad” from Yasvanny’s Cuban Restaurant in West Kendall last week, she expected more than tomato slices atop shredded lettuce.

The 33-year-old ordered the disappointing salad while in town for an interactive sexual dynamics workshop hosted in a Doral apartment by a guy she follows on Instagram named Emanuel.

“I wanted an authentic Cuban meal, even though I literally cannot eat any authentic Cuban dishes,” explained Ms. Milano-Milano, who even called the restaurant to make sure they could accommodate an animal-free diet. “I was definitely told: “Salad, yes. Yes, salad. Bye” by whoever answers the phone. In retrospect, I’m thinking maybe whoever I spoke with didn’t speak English.”

When Ms. Milano-Milano arrived at the restaurant to meet Emanuel, she was shocked both that no one in the restaurant seemed to have any vegetables on their plate and that Emanuel was a lot heavier than his Instagram pictures.

“Every person in the restaurant had meat on their plate. And Emanuel had titties,” said Ms. Milano-Milano who immediately regretted the comment and insisted that she was body positive and didn’t mean to make fun of Emanuel’s big titties.

After twenty minutes of engaging in awkward conversation with Emanuel, who it turns out still lives with his Abuela and only does workshops as a means of tricking women into paying him to have sex, Alyssa’s salad finally arrived.

“That’s not a salad!,” said a famished Ms. Milano-Milano, who insisted that a salad has to have, at a minimum, at least a few peppers, maybe some onions, and croutons. “Also, you can’t just hold a “workshop” without credentials,” she noted of Emanuel’s shady curriculum, which consisted of him massaging Alyssa with Royal Violets while his grandma watched La Reina del Sur in the other room.

The Plantain reached out to Yasvanny’s Cuban Restaurant about the minimal ingredients found in their house salad and was told that it contains more than just lettuce and tomato.

“We put a drizzle of canola oil as dressing,” said an assistant manager who noted she thought that salad was just “rabbit food” and encouraged vegetarians like Alyssa to stick with the chicken croquettes.

When we explained that vegetarians do not eat meat, the restaurant’s manager informed us that “Chicken isn’t meat.”

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