Days after signing an executive order that, on its face requires Florida residents to stay inside, but in reality allows most businesses to continue to operate, Governor Ron DeSantis thinks its time to educate Floridians about Coronavirus. The State will be throwing a series of “awesome beach bashes” around the State that the Governor believes will provide residents information about social distancing and also a damn good time.
“Coronavirus is extremely serious, I guess,” said Governor Ron DeSantis, “So I thought it would be a great idea to spread information about the disease while also allowing the community to come together during this trying time and, most importantly, support our local businesses.”
“I think this is a fantastic move by the Governor,” said recently arrested Tampa pastor Rodney Howard-Browne, who plans on preaching in the name of Jesus Christ at the Coronavirus festival, an act deemed essential and therefore exempt by the Governor’s stay-at-home order. “Everyone knows you can’t catch a virus if you love Jesus,” said the Pastor, citing the story of Jesus and the lepers before having to stop the interview on account he was coughing up blood.
The Governor’s tepid response to the Coronavirus crisis has been heavily criticized by County and City governments throughout the state who believe he should have closed down all non-essential travel and commerce weeks prior. The Plantain attended the Governor’s first Corona bash and asked Mr. DeSantis to respond to critics who say he hasn’t taken the crisis seriously enough.
“Oh, that’s crazy,” said DeSantis as he was flipped into a kegstand. “I’m doing everything I can to make sure local communities are safe,” he added shortly before signing a second executive order preventing local governments from enacting their own social distancing restrictions.
The Plantain asked the Governor about the possibility that Coronavirus would spread through on account of his lax order, but never got an answer on account Mr. DeSantis heard someone playing “I Got Friends In Low Places” on acoustic guitar and ran off yelling “This is my song!”