As the 2016 Olympic Games draw to a close, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) plans to distribute silver medals to the residents of Rio De Janeiro that have been permanently displaced by the games for being “such good sports about the whole thing.” The awards will be given during Sunday night’s closing ceremonies.
“It’s a small token of appreciation for the communities we have destroyed,” said IOC President Thomas Bach as he showed us the still incomplete equestrian field built on what was once known as Flavela Dos Pobres, or the Slum of the Poor.
“The IOC is very aware of how these games have affected Rio’s residents,” admitted Mr. Bach as he walked through an area that until last year housed 13,000 residents. “We think these medals will do a lot to boost the morale of Rio’s people,” he said before noticing a group of homeless children begging for food on Olympic grounds. “The people of Rio are very resilient,” said Mr. Bach as he flagged down an Olympic guard to remove the children and bring them to one of the IOC’s secret prisons until the games finished.
“We will have a home for a week?” asked 9-year-old orphan Andres Oliveira jubilantly upon learning he was being taken to prison before adding “Yipee! Yipee! Hooray!”
Since Rio was named as the site of the 2016 Games, nearly 80,000 people have been forced to relocate. The inhumane treatment of Rio’s poorest residents is just one of the many controversies that have plagued this summer’s Olympiad.
“What they are doing to the locals is just awful. Not to mention the country’s inability to stop the spread of the Zika virus, the poor construction quality and unsafe water conditions of Olympic facilities, and the Brazilian government cutting social services to pay for the games. These games have been a complete and total disaster,” said Javier Sanchez, who was visiting Rio from Miami, Florida to cheer for the Colombian track-and-field team.
“The IOC is so corrupt, the entire games have been tarnished by their unethical behavior,” said Mr. Sanchez before stopping to cheer furiously as Colombian racer Caterine Ibarguen took the gold in the women’s triple jump. “This is the best day of my life!” screamed Mr. Sanchez with tremendous national pride as he ran to hug a stranger holding a Colombian flag who sat a few rows behind him.
For many, including local resident Amanda Steinbim, the IOC’s decision to award Rio’s displaced residents medals is a step toward repairing the damage done by the Olympics and quashing the criticism surrounding the more controversial details of this year’s games.
“Who wouldn’t want an Olympic medal?” asked Ms. Steinbim, an devoted Olympic fan who took off work for a week to watch the coverage from her Weston Hills home. “Those Brazilian families are so lucky,” said Ms. Steinbim as she stood up from her leather couch and wiped the layers of Flipz Yogurt Covered Pretzel crumbs that had accumulated on her Lululemon athletic tank since she began watching the men’s rowing competition 6-hours earlier.
“I always wanted to get an Olympic medal,” said resident Tomas Alvarez upon hearing the news that he would be awarded one. “This was much easier.” The medals will be limited to one per household, and will be purchased with Brazilian tax dollars, adding to the many billions the games have already cost the struggling South American country.
By Joey Ganguzza of Villain Theater