The name “Dixie Highway” has long angered members of the African American community who view it as celebrating America’s slave-owning confederate history. But that may now be changing following a proposal to rename the highway after self-described black man Javier Ortiz.

“Racism proliferates through symbols, so as a black man I’m happy to see this symbol of Miami’s racist past upended,” said Javier Ortiz, a man who is not actually black and who is himself a symbol of Miami’s racist present.

As I stood in front of Officer Ortiz and listened as he touted his ethnicity and said “negro” an uncomfortable amount of times, I interrupted and asked him to clarify: “I’m sorry, you are suggesting that you are a black man?” I asked.

“Yes, I identify as a black man. I am a negro, my brotha,” said Javier Ortiz before pulling out a pack of Kools to emphasize the point.

“But aren’t you also the same Javier Ortiz who has for years been accused of racist and anti-black behavior and who is also widely known to have a very small penis? If you are black then why are you so racist and how come your dick is so small?” I asked. Mr. Ortiz responded that he was offended by my stereotype and noted that some black men, like himself, have very tiny micro-penises and also that it was not my place to criticize his years of attacks against African Americans which he now views as “black-on-black” crime that should be dealt with from within the black community.

The Plantain spoke to the head of Miami PD’s internal affairs about Mr. Ortiz’s comments but they just laughed and said they weren’t fuckin’ snitches and don’t investigate their own. As I disappointedly left the internal affairs office I was stopped by an officer who politely told me to “stop resisting” before knocking me in the head with a billyclub. “Blue Lives Matter, MAGA 2020, my father never loved me,” said the assaulting officer before leaving me to bleed out.

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